A little girl's prayer to God:

"Dear God, in this year of need please send clothes for 
all those poor ladies in Daddy's computer......!"

Amen

FAMOUS LAST WORDS 

I'll get a world record for this.
 
It's fireproof. 

He's probably just hibernating.
 
What does this button do? 

It's probably just a rash. 

Are you sure the power is off? 

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
 
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one! 

Pull the pin and count to what? 

Which wire was I supposed to cut? 

I wonder where the mother bear is. 

I've seen this done on TV. 

These are the good kind of mushrooms. 

I'll hold it and you light the fuse. 

Let it down slowly. 

Rat poison only kills rats. 

It's strong enough for both of us. 

This doesn't taste right. 

I can make this light before it changes. 

Nice doggie. 

I can do that with my eyes closed. 

I've done this before. 

Well, we've made it this far. 

That's odd. 

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? 

Don't be so superstitious. 

Now watch this.

 

BANANA GONE BAD

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 
'What would you do if you had to arrest 
your own mother?' 

He answered, 'Call for backup.' 

In 1923 Who Was: 
1. President of the largest steel company? 
2. President of the largest gas company? 
3. President of the New York StockExchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator? 
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 
6. Great Bear of Wall Street? 

These men were considered some of the worlds 
most successful of their days.
Now, over 85 years later, the history book asks us
if we know what ultimately became of them.. 

The Answers: 

1. The president of the largest steel company. 
Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 

2. The president of the largest gas company, 
Edward Hopson, went insane. 

3. The president of the NYSE, 
Richard Whitney, was released 
from prison to die at home. 

4.The greatest wheat speculator, 
Arthur Cooger died abroad, penniless. 

5. The president of 
the Bank of International Settlement, 
shot himself. 

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, 
Cosabee Livermore, committed suicide. 

In that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion 
and the winner of the most important golf tournament, 
the Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him? 
He played golf until he was 92, 
died in 1999 at the age of 95. 
He was financially secure 
at the time of his death. 

 
                         

A man goes to the doctor, suffering from premature ejaculation. 

"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man. 

"No, but I can give you the address of a woman 
who has a short attention span," replied the doctor.



 

CHILDREN'S SCIENCE EXAM

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water 
can be made safe to drink.
.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon.
All water tends to flow towards the moon, because  there is
no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum.
I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and 
looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax
and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain,
the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal
cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb
If it has tires or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it !
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX

 

You're Not A Kid Anymore, 
When . . .

Your biggest concern about dancing is falling.
Your back goes out more than you do.

You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.

You have a dream about prunes.

You tell the barber to comb it over the best he can.

Your family Chihuahua weighs more than 25 lbs.

You are alarmed by how young your doctor is.

You think about Walter Cronkite at least once a day.

You wear knee high stockings with everything.

Your idea of a perfect nightcap is Metamuscil.

You find no humor in bladder control jokes.

You can't climb a tree...even with a ladder.

You browse the bran cereal section in the grocery store.

You play golf with your wife.

You don't like to drive after dark.

Nobody ever tells you to slow down.

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