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Many
thanks to
Nekia,
Trish, Terrygray11, EWalds8131, Heartlast7,
AngOBri, MRuss74101
for contributing to the content
of today's page.
Lady Lynx
Cards
that Hallmark Doesn't Print!
So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
-
My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I
looked
at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!
-
You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
-
You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of
Staff.
-
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
-
Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But don't fret about it, she moved in with me.
-
You totaled your car and can't remember why.
Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer,
the former world chess champion.
The table had a checkered tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass the salt.
-
I may not know what I'm doing,
but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it brilliantly.
-
A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it
lacks
in distance, it makes up for in speed.
-
There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won't
fix.
-
At the funeral parlor they told me that grief takes many
forms.
At least they helped me fill them out.
-
I know I'm beautiful on the inside ...
I have the colonoscopy video to prove it.
-
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
-
In a recent poll, 60 percent of people believe their
workplace
is louder now than it was five years ago.
The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.
-
Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.
-
I was visiting a monastery recently and I saw a sign
that read,
"In case of fire, break vow of silence."
At
school, little Johnny is learning about medicines.
The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of
medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: "Tylenol?"
"Very good! And what is it used for?"
"It is used for headache."
The second pupil said: "Nytol."
"Excellent. And what it is used for?"
"To help you sleep."
Now it is Johnny 's turn and he said: "Viagra."
" Oh? and what is it used for?"
"I think it can be used for diarrhea."
"Who told you that?"
"Nobody, but every evening
my mother tells my father "take a Viagra,
maybe your shit will get harder".
Dumbest
Questions
Asked By Cruise Passengers
-
-
Does
the crew sleep onboard?
What time is the midnight buffet?
Which elevator takes me to the front of the ship?
Do you generate your own electricity?
Is this island totally surrounded by water?
Is the water in the toilet salt or fresh?
What do you do with the ice carvings after they melt?
How high above sea level are we?
"That
new girl in the typing pool is driving me crazy!"
bemoaned Rich to Ernie.
"That girl is a real mirage."
"Aren't you using the wrong word?" asked Ernie.
"A mirage is something you can see but can't
feel."
"Yeah," came the reply "That describes her
exactly.
Why
I stopped watching golf
SEND THESE TO 10 GUYS AND
THEY'LL STOP WATCHING GOLF, TOO !!
When
our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, Sylvia kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I
always had something else to take care of first,
the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again,
but I will always have a limp.
Moral
to this story
: Marriage is a relationship in which one
person is always right, and the other is the husband.
Mike
and Jason were playing their home course.
Mike putted out and walked back to the cart.
As Jason sank his putt, Mike suddenly jumped
out of the cart and dropped his pants.
He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting and
desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.
The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner's
bare rear end, was too much for the group playing
behind the twosome.
The group raced up to the two golfers
and asked a single question:
"What was the bet?"
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any
interest
in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner
replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about
your work
and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your
death.
When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your
paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed.
"What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor..."
To
cut down on auto accidents, make sure
your car's SEAT BELTS are properly installed!
A senior citizen goes to his doctor
and says,
"Doctor, I have sex only once a week."
The doctor asks, "How old are you ?"
The patient replies "Seventy-five."
Wait now. You're 75 and have sex once a week.
I think that's wonderful.
What are you complaining about ?"
"My neighbor is almost eighty years old, and he says
he has sex three times a week, every week."
The doctor smiled and said, "I can easily solve your
problem.
From now on, you say the same thing."
Noticing
that her husband's relationship with the
alluring young miss across the street was becoming
more than a little friendly, the suspicious wife awoke one
morning to find herself alone in bed.
Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor
and bellowed into the phone,
"Tell my husband to get his ass across the
street."
"Ma'am," a soft, sexy voice replied,
"That's where he's been getting it for some time
now."
Men
are like cement.
After getting laid,
they take a long time to get hard.
Three old women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce;
smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche;
fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy.
It needs a hand start and I have to
jump on while it's still going."
A
cub reporter covered a story about an attack on a woman
by an escapee from a mental asylum.
He returned with the story and a headline of,
"Woman raped, Mental patient escapes."
The editor told him the headline needed a little punch
to grab the reader's attention.
After a while he came back with "Fiend Fucks and
Flees."
The editor told him it was a family paper and they
couldn't
use a headline like that, go back and try again.
Much later he came back with "Nut Screws and
Bolts."
Wedding prank
The wedding date was set, and the grooms three pals, a
carpenter,
an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to
play
on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed
would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin
and promised that it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later,
each of the grooms buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS;
WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED,
THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK.
BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY,
"I AM GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT
NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!"
We
All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
AMERICA
The Land of The FREE
Because of The BRAVE
"
WOW "
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BARNEGAT
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"OLD
BARNEY"
Long Beach Island
Barnegat Light, NJ
Barnegat Sunset
BARNEGAT, NEW
JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore
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