Recently, a three-family, triplex home burned down in New York City.
  The Puerto Rican family on the first floor all perished.
       The black family on the third floor all perished.
       No one was injured from the white family,
who lived on the second floor.
  
       Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were enraged,
calling a press conference and demanding from the Manhattan
Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen.
The Chief replied,

 "They were at work."

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away 
people's initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them,
what they could and should do for themselves.

Abraham Lincoln



An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding
her hat so that the wind wouldn't blow it away in the wind.

 A gentleman approached her & said,
"Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward but
did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady
"But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."

"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're 
derriere is exposed!"

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old,
but I just bought this hat!"

ANY QUESTIONS?


A third-grade teacher was trying to explain to her class the
difference between singular and plural.  She said,
"What is it if one woman looks out a window?"

       Little Charlotte said, "Singular."

       "Very good," said the teacher.  "What is it if three women
are looking out of a window?"

       Little Johnny shot up his arm and shouted out,

"A whorehouse!"




SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP 
HEALTH CARE PLAN
<> 
Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
 
Directions to your doctor's office include 
"Take a left when you enter
the trailer park."
 
The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
 
The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
 
The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is
 "an apple a day..."
 
Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
 
"The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges,"
is not a typographical error.
 
The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
 
Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
   
You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct tape.

SLOGANS FOR NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
><
Cover Your Stump Before U Hump
Before You Attack Her, Wrap Your Whacker
Don't Be Silly, Protect Your Willy
When in Doubt, Shroud Your Spout
Don't Be a Loner, Cover Your Boner
You Can't Go Wrong If You Shield Your Dong
If You're Not Goin to Sack It, Go Home and Whack it
If You Think She's Spunky, Cover Your Monkey
If You Slip Between Her Thighs, Be Sure to Condomize
It Will Be Sweeter If You Wrap Your Peter
She Won't Get Sick If You Wrap Your Dick
If You Go in Heat, Package Your Meat
While You're Undressing Venus, Dress up Your Penis
Don't Be a Fool, Vulcanize Your Tool
The Right Selection Will Protect Your Erection
Wrap it in Foil Before Checking Her Oil
A Crank with Armor Will Never Harm Her

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,
and noticed he had his collar on backwards.  The little boy
asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered,
"I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren
and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds,"
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
and said,
"Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants
backwards instead of your collar."

Love
Love is a gamble, 
Love is a game, 
boys do the kissin', 
girls get the blame. 
 
One night of pleasure, 
Nine months of pain, 
three days in the hospital, 
a baby to name. 
 
It's father was a bastard, 
It's mother was a whore, 
Little Johnny wouldn't be
If the rubber hadn't tore!

The ECONOMY is so bad that . .
 
  CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

  Women are marrying for love.

  Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

  McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
 
  Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies
and learned their children's names.
 
  A truckload of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.
 
  The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
 
  Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
 
  People in Africa are donating money to Americans.
 
  Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids,
"Finish your plate! Do you know how many kids
are starving in the US?"

  Motel Six won't leave the light on.
 
  The Mafia is laying off judges.



"Bug Spray"

I took a drive to Wal-Mart the other night to pick up some stuff
for our trip this weekend. Since I was already going, 
my sister asked if I could pick up a bottle 
of bug spray for her while I was there.

After going through and getting everything on my shopping list
I was walking around looking for the bug spray. When an 
employee saw me wandering around aimlessly, 
he came up to me and asked if I needed any help.

"I am looking to get OFF. I have money."

Needless to say, I am not allowed in that store anymore!

 True   Friendship... SCOTTISH STYLE!!
(None of that Sissy Crap) 

Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems 
that always sound good, but never actually come close 
to reality? 
Well, here are a series of promises that actually 
speak of true friendship. You will see no cute
little smiley faces on these cards .. Just the 
stone cold truth of a great friendship.  

1. When you are sad --  I will help you get pissed and plot revenge
against the bastard who made you sad. 
  
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I
would probably want to be involved in.   

4. When you are scared -- I will take the piss out of you every 
chance I get until you're NOT. 
  
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about
how much worse it could be until   YOU STOP WHINING! 

6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words. 
  
7... When you are sick --  Stay the hell away from me 
until you are well again.  I don't want whatever you have. 
 
8... When you fall,  I will laugh at you, you clumsy arse, 
but I'll help you up. 
  
9... This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 
Because you are my friend. 

  
Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can 
see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.  
Send this to 10 of your closest friends, 
then get depressed because 
you can only think of 4!

WHEN SHOPPING CHECK THE LABELS
 Buy American