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NEWFOUNDLAND LOVE POEM

       Of course I loves ya, darling
       You're a bloody top notch bird
       And when I say yer gorgeous
       I means every single word 

       So yer arse is on the big side
       I don't mind a bit of flab
       It means that when I'm ready
       There's somethin' there to grab 

       So yer belly isn't flat no more
       I tell ya, I don't care
       So long as when I cuddle ya
       I can get my arms round dere 

       I'm tellin' ya the truth now
       I never tells ya lies
       I think its very sexy
       Dat you've got dimples on yer thighs 

       I swear on me grannies grave
       From the moment that we met
       I thought you was as good as
       I was ever gonna get 

       No matter what you look like
       I'll always love ya, dear
       Now shut up while the hockey's on
       And get me anudder beer. 

(And who said Newfoundlanders weren't romantic? 
Doesn’t it just bring a tear to the eye?)



Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
*Answers at End *



DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS
TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING: 

Dear Abby, 
    A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.  One is a middle-aged
 gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties.  These
 two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man
 go into or leave their apartment.  
Do you think they could be Lebanese? 

Dear Abby, 
    What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? 

Dear Abby, 
   I have a man I can't trust.  He cheats so much, I'm not even sure 
the baby I'm carrying is his.. 

Dear Abby, 
    I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. 
It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, 
but I don' know him well enough to discuss money with him. 

Dear Abby, 
   I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted 
with the evidence, he denied everything and said 
it would never happen again. 

Dear Abby, 
    Our son writes that he is taking Judo.  Why would a boy who was raised 
in a good Christian home turn against his own? 

Dear Abby, 
   I joined the Navy to see the world.  I've seen it.  Now how do I get out?

 Dear Abby, 
    My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour 
every week for two and a half years.  He must be crazy. 

Dear Abby, 
   I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until 
one night he came home sober. 

Dear Abby, 
  My mother is mean and short tempered I think 
she is going through mental pause. 

Dear Abby, 
   You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him 
to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he IS a doctor.  
Now what do I do?  

Remember, these people can vote!!







THE  5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!
- - -
Q)  WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES  FOR?
  A)  It's Braille for 'suck here'
 -
Q)  WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A)  It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under .'
 -
Q)  WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A)  Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
-
Q)  WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A)  Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go,
they take your house and car with them.
-
Q)  WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A)  Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS  QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
- - -
Q) What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A) Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose .  
-
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. '
Mom', he asked,  'Are these my brains?'  
'Not yet,' she replied.





Now this is interesting

If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on the right side
of your mouth. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on
the left side of your mouth.

To make half a kilo of honey, bees must collect nectar from over 2 million
individual flowers.

Tourists visiting Iceland should know that tipping at a restaurant is
considered an insult !

People in nudist colonies play volleyball more than any other sport.

Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel in 1952,
but he declined.

Astronauts can't belch - there is no gravity to separate liquid from gas
in their stomachs.

Ancient Roman, Chinese and German societies
often used urine as mouthwash.

The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows. In the Renaissance era,
it was fashion to shave them off !

Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

It takes glass one million years to decompose, which means it never wears
out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times !

Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the
ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. When a human
body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Each year 2,000,000 smokers either quit smoking or
die of tobacco-related diseases.

Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke
unless it's heated above 450°F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the
ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only
by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet's tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the
disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why
it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when
knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you
can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go.
The first sense lost is sight.

Strawberries are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than
15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy .

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to
go to work the next day, she told the repairman,

'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter,
 and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike.
 He won't bother you.' 

'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! 

'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!' 

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
 discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But,
 just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet 
watching the repairman go about his work. 

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling,
 cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!' 

To which the parrot replied, 
'Get him Spike!' 

See - Men just don't listen!

A Sign At The Golf Course:

GOLF . . .

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER
 WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
 GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF! 

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes,
and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him,
'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole,
we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for
them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows
had something white at its rear end. I walked over,
 lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
 ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck
 right in the middle of the cow's fanny.
 Still holding the cow's tail up,
I yelled to my wife,

'Hey, this looks like yours!'
'I don't remember much after that'.



"CALM DOWN, SHE'S NOT THE CHAMBERMAID! "


 


Jennifer learned this from her mother!! 
HOW TO BE A GRACIOUS BITCH
 
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be
the best-dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new
young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart.
I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.'

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,

'Aren't you going to return the other dress?
You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.'

Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear.
I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!'



An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for
several years.  

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so
he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
apple, and peach  trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there
for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting
and laughing with glee.  

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
 skinny-dipping in his pond.  

He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'  

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he
said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...!!!'

Some old men can still think fast.



A Wish To Live Forever
 
 I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish.
 
"I want to live forever," I said.
 
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
 
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"
 
"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate.  So I eased my car over to the shoulder
of the road, carefully get out of the car and opened the trunk.
 
 I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car
facing oncoming traffic.  They look so life like you wouldn't believe it!
 
They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.
 
To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which
made it safer for me to work at the side of the road.  And of course, traffic
starts backing up.  Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy.
It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.
 
 He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me..  I could tell
 he was not a happy camper!
 
 'What's going on here?', he demanded.
 
 'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly.
 
 'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?', he asked.
 
 I couldn't believe that he didn't know.  So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my emergency FLASHERS!!

*Answers to 'test' *
1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6.. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Don't worry. you don't have alzheimers.
You are just a pervert!