Lady Lynx

 

 

Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid
to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks,
one turned to the other and said:
"Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because
 they have toys to play with!"

 

I can still hear my Mom saying:
"Don't play with those!  You could lose an eye!

Midlife Crisis

Well, it's not a midlife crisis,
but here's how things worked out for me.

Married 25 years, took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment,
a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and
watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got
to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen
TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot
25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be
living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed....

CAT FUN
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A 2nd grader comes home from school one day and tells her mom,
"Today I learned how to make babies!"

The mother was aghast and sent the girl upstairs to her room
until the father came in. After he had talked
to the daughter he told his wife,

'Yeah, she told me you just drop the Y and add IES."

This is an supposedly an actual job application that a 75 year old
senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
  
   NAME:  Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
      
   SEX:  Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman
(or at least one who will cooperate)
      
   DESIRED POSITION:  Company's President or Vice President.
But seriously, whatever's available.   If I was in a position
to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
      
   DESIRED SALARY:  $185,000 a year plus stock options
and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.
If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
      
   EDUCATION:  Yes.
      
   LAST POSITION HELD:  Target for middle management hostility.
      
   PREVIOUS SALARY:  A lot less than I'm worth.
     
   MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:  My incredible collection
of stolen pens and post-it notes.
      
   REASON FOR LEAVING:  It sucked!
      
   HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:  Any.
      
   PREFERRED HOURS:  1:30-3:30 p.m..
Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
      
   DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:  Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
      
   MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
      
   DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT
YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:    Of what?

   DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:  I think the more appropriate question
here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

   HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House
Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

   DO YOU SMOKE?:  On the job - no!   On my breaks - yes!

   WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

   NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles.

   DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE
TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.

A young college student wrote home to his family.

"Dear mom and dad, I haven't heard from you in nearly a month. 
Please send check so I'll know you're all right." 

My wife and I had just moved into the neighborhood.
We received a card from  Sears saying
"Since you are new in town,
would you like to apply for a credit card?"

Sure, we decided, filled out the application and returned it.
Several weeks later we got a rejection from Sears saying

"Sorry, we cannot issue to you a credit card."
"You haven't been in town long enough."

One frigid morning in North Dakota 
a man turned up at work much the worse for wear.

"I didn't sleep a wink," he told a coworker. "I was up all night 
trying to keep my wife's begonia covered against the freezing cold."

"I should be so lucky," his coworker replied. "When it's this cold, 
my wife wears so damn many clothes to bed, 
I can never get anywhere near her begonia."

 

"Joyce, you make a fella glad to come home from work!"


A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, 
went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), 
but mostly to see the horses. 

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go 
with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting 
outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her 
that none of them could reach the urinal. 
 
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, 
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one 
helping them to direct the flow. 

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice 
that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show 
that she was staring, the teacher said, 
"You must be in the 5th grade." 

"No, ma'am, " he replied. 
"I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

 

The guy is very upset and yells at his friend,
"You slept with my wife, you son of a bitch.
 I am gonna make you pay for what you did."
 
"Bullshit," replies the other one,
 "why should I pay twice?



A wife comes home unexpectedly one day and finds her husband
 in bed with a lady midget.  Upset and furious over his actions,
the woman screams, "You promised me two weeks ago
 that you would never cheat on me again!"
Trying his best to calm her down, the husband turns to his wife
 and says, "Take it easy Dear,
Can't you see I'm trying to taper off?"

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered,
half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

 Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America, well developed
and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging
but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia,
lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia,
very wide and borders are now un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....
only those with an adventurous spirit and a
 thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.


GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.

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Some Words to Live By 

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, 
and some days you're the statue. 

Always keep your words soft and sweet, 
just in case you have to eat them. 

Always read stuff that will make you 
look good if you die in the middle of it. 

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that 
can be recalled by their maker. 

If you can't be kind, at least be vague. 

If you lend someone $20, 
and never see that person again, 
it was probably worth it. 

It may be that your sole purpose in life 
is simply to serve as a warning  to others.   

Never buy a car you can't push. 

Never put both feet in your mouth at the 
same time, because then you don't 
have a leg to stand on. 

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. 
Just get up and dance. 

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, 
so sleep late. 

When everything's coming your way, 
you're in the wrong lane. 

Birthdays are good for you; 
the more you have, 
the longer you live. 

You may be only one person in the world, 
but you may also be the world to one person.   

Some mistakes are too much fun 
to only make once. 

Don't cry because it's over; 
smile because it happened. 

We could learn a lot from crayons: 
some are sharp, some are pretty, 
some are dull, some have weird names, 
and all are different colors, 
but they all have to learn to live in the same box. 

A truly happy person is one who can 
enjoy the scenery on a detour. 

Happiness comes through doors you 
didn't even know you left open.

 

Donald Rumsfeld came into the Oval Office to
 brief President Bush on the Iraq war.

" I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today."

Well, Bush was just overcome with grief.
He put his head in his hands, sobbing uncontrollably and
wailed, "three Brazilian soldiers, three Brazilian soldiers,
oh my God, three Brazilian soldiers."

He was so distraught that Rumsfeld could see
that he would get no more work done and left the office.
When he calmed down a little, Bush turned to Dick Cheney and said,
 
"Dick, please, please help me out here.
Tell me, how many is a brazillion?"

GROANER

One winter, Omar and Hector built a skating rink
in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock
decided to take a shortcut across the rink.
The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it.
Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

“Look at that,” remarked Omar to Hector.
“That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!”

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GEORGE W. BUSH: MAKING TERRORISTS FASTER 
THAN HE CAN  KILL THEM

      
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

 

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore