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Many
thanks to
AngOBri,
Terrygray11, Nita's Niche, MRuss74101
for contributing to the content
of today's page.
Lady Lynx
What
I've learned as I've matured
I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just assholes.
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give
in.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about
fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to
others.
They are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities or politicians.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a
relationship
is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a
lot of
money to take its place.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken
from you too soon and all the less important ones
just never go away.
"Calling an illegal alien an
"undocumented immigrant"
is like calling a drug dealer an "unlicensed
pharmacist".
"Ed,
where are your manners? Take off your hat!"
WHY
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we
ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find
the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a
"whack?"
Why does "slow down" and "slow up"
mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim
chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made
for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is
"after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy"
opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean
opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do
it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience
sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia,
can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags
and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
Christmas - What other time of the year do you
sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy
out of your socks?
The
fifty-year old son was complaining to his 75 year old
father:
"Dad, lately I've been having a problem with
impotence.
Tell me, do you have the same problem?
Is it something that runs in our family?"
"Well," his father replied,
"I don't know about your mother's side of the family,
but I've never had reason to complain. Why, when I was a
lad,
I would work up a good hard-on, hang a bucket of water
from it,
and walk the full length of a football field.
But nowadays my knees give in when I'm half way."
When you apply for Welfare in Mexico
what does the Government give you ?
A map of the United States!
The
contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted
by the
presence of workmen converting the electrical service from
overhead
lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric
company's
complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable
for our
community. You must make them stop cursing so much.",
said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for
their habits.
Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still
tend to call
a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they
actually use is
'fucking shovel'.
A woman was doing the laundry in the
apartment buildings basement.
She had just finished washing and drying one load and was
getting ready to start another load when she decided to
wash the nightgown she was wearing.
She took it off and placed it in the washer. Now she is
naked
and preparing to take the freshly cleaned clothes upstairs
when she
noticed her son's football helmet lying on the shelf. She
grabbed
the helmet, placed it on her head, picked up the clean
clothes,
and turned around.
There stood the Maintenance man who quickly said,
"I don't know which team you are playing for ma'am
but I sure hope you win".
SHRINK'S
OFFICE
A visiting conventioneer from Saskatchewan walked into a
bar in
Greenwich Village and sat next to a rather attractive
woman.
"Hi," he said, "I'm new in town. Can I
buy you a drink?"
"Get lost," she remarked, "I am
Lesbian."
"Oh, really?" he asked, "How are things
in Beiruit?"
Q - To a blonde,
what is long and hard?
A - Grade 4
The preacher knocked at a lady's door one morning
and announced,
"I met Little Johnny on his way to Class.
He told me you were sick, so I decided to pay a
call."
That afternoon when Johnny came home from school,
She asked him, "Why did you lie to the
preacher?"
He retorted hotly, "I didn't lie, I thought you were
Sick last night I distinctly heard Daddy tell you
To turn over and take your medicine.
A young blonde, having just returned from a great
week-long vacation in South America, walked into the
local bank and asked about exchanging currency.
The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto
the counter,
the teller then counted it, made a phone call,
and returned to count out $27.18
The wide-eyed woman gasped.
"You mean to tell me that's all I get for that
mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the
teller,
"that's the current rate of exchange
according to our foreign exchange section."
"Good Grief!" she hissed,
"and I gave that cheap skunk breakfast, too!"
I'm not saying she's easy but she's been on her knees
more times than Billy Graham.
Q. Do you know why bankers are good lovers?
A. They know first hand the penalty for early withdrawal.
Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
He did okay until his business fell off.
"It
is now being reported that restroom enthusiast
Senator Larry Craig is no longer using the Minneapolis
airport
when he flies from Idaho to Washington, DC.
Instead he's using Denver. He says Denver's faster,
more convenient and with 23 stalls." --Jay Leno
"Dan
Rather announced the other day, he is suing CBS
for $70 million for damaging his career.
After hearing this, Katie Couric said,
'Then I'm suing for $700 million.'" --Conan O'Brien
We
All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
AMERICA
The Land of The FREE
Because of The BRAVE
"
WOW "
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"OLD
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Long Beach Island
Barnegat Light, NJ
Barnegat Sunset
BARNEGAT, NEW
JERSEY
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