My Grandmother is ninety-five and still doesn't need glasses...

She drinks straight out of the bottle.



On a university exam, students were asked to explain the
difference between ignorance and apathy.
 
The professor had to give an "A" to the student who wrote
"I don't know and I don't care."

Just like babies - Have no fear - Everything's a game.

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today. . .
 
The people who are starting college this fall were born in 1989. 
 
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up. 
 
Their lifetime has always included AIDS. 
 
The CD was introduced two years before they were born.
 
They have always had an answering machine.
 
They have always had cable.
 
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
 
Popcorn has always been micro-waved.
 
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
 
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from. 
 
They never heard: 'Where's the Beef?', 'I'd walk a mile for a Camel',
or 'de plane Boss, de plane'. 
 
McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
 
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
 - - 
Save the earth!  It's the only planet with chocolate! 





One of our geeks was at my computer adjusting some settings
so I took the opportunity to ask him a question.

"With all this stuff going around, how do I know if I have a virus?"  

He kept working, but without missing a beat he said, . . .

"It will burn when you pee."

Strange & Useless 'Facts'

What occurs more often in December than any other month?
Conception.

Only 14% of Americans say they've done this
with the opposite sex. What is it?
Skinny dipping.

What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
No theme song/music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace. This is propinquity.

Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular
boat name requested?
Obsession

More women do this in the bathroom than men.
Wash their hands. Women * 80% - Men - 55%

What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
Gain weight.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their favorite smell.
Banana

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until you would find the letter "A"?
One thousand

What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers
and laser printers all have in common?
All invented by women.

Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single men.
Change their underwear.

This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation.
Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A kiss

This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
Honey

There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year.
Father's Day

What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?
He was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
Wear underwear.

What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen,
21% hydrogen and 9% carbon dioxide?
A fart.

About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?
Flush the toilet.

What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member,
is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.

85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
Cheating on their wives.

Procrastinator's Creed
 
1.  I believe that if anything is worth doing,
it would have been done already.
2.  I shall never move quickly, except to avoid
more work or find excuses.
3.  I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4.  I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the
     amount of bodily injury I could expect to
receive from missing them.
5.  I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
     technologies, astounding discoveries,
and a reprieve from my obligations.
6.  I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of
     the amount of time given.
7.  If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
8.  I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course
I decide to change my mind.
9.  I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or
     write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

SOMEONE GOOFED

A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car
looking so nice and glossy.  The neighbor replied that his wife
gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car.  Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer 
for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked,

"By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties
when you wear them out?"

       Why," she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards,
I put them back on again!"



A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.  The patrolman
told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver
appeared to be putting something in his mouth
as he stepped out of the cab.

Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, 
the patrolman asked,

"Did I just see you swallow something?"

 "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver.

 "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman.

"Yep, when I saw your flashing light, 
I knew I was gonna get fucked."

JUST SOME THOUGHTS

Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)
=
Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln,
how was the play?
=
When you work here,
you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
=
Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
=
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
=
I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.
=
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
=
I am having an out-of-money experience.
=
Don't sweat the petty things.
Don't pet the sweaty things.
=
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
=
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
=
I love cooking with wine.
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

><><

Which one is it?
 Is It the NBA or the NFL?  

                   


36   
have been accused of spousal  abuse

7  
have  been arrested for fraud 

19  
have been accused of writing bad  checks    

117  
have  directly or indirectly 
bankrupted  at least 2 businesses 

3  
have  done time for assault     

71  
cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14   
have been arrested on drug-related  charges    

8   
have been arrested for  shoplifting     

21   
currently 
are defendants in lawsuits,  and    

84  
have been arrested for drunk  driving    
in the last  year     
~
Can you guess which organization this  is?     

Give up  yet? . . Scroll down,    

Neither,
It's  the 435 members of the
    United  States Congress     

The same group of Idiots that crank out  
hundreds of new laws each year designed 
to keep the rest of  us in line.     



Clemens was vacationing on a riverboat casino on the Mississippi
with his wife. By the second day, they were already fighting.

"Your dresses are too tight," he screamed. 
"You look like a tramp!"

"Oh," she replied, "You want to see me 
in something long and flowing?
If you find something long and flowing, 
let me know and I'll get in it."

So he pushed her into the river.

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were playing poker when the police
raided the game. Turning to the priest, the lead police officer said,
"Father Murphy, were you gambling?"

Turning his eyes to heaven, the priest whispered, 
"Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." 
To the police officer, he then said,
 "No, officer; I was not gambling."

The officer then asked the minister, 
"Pastor Johnson, were you gambling?"

Again, after an appeal to heaven, the minister replied, 
"No, officer; I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asked, 
"Rabbi Goldstein, were you gambling?"

Shrugging his shoulders, the Rabbi replied . . . 
"With whom?"

WHEN SHOPPING CHECK THE LABELS
 Buy American