TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY.
AS THE SHOFAR SOUNDS A NEW YEAR,
 MAY WE ALL BE BLESSED WITH PEACE and LOVE, 
FRIENDS and FAMILY and ALWAYS GOOD HEALTH,
DURING THIS YEAR and ALL THAT FOLLOW!
L'SHANAH TOVAH



While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist 
capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of 
alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. 
Spotting and old beachcomber standing
on the shore, the tourist shouted,

"Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, 
"they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely 
toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy,
"How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.

"The sharks got 'em."

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch 
when the husband turned to his wife and said
"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight”.

The wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, 
but be gentle this time."

"But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"

"That’s not true, she replied,
"the last time you woke me up TWICE!"



A little boy went up to his father and asked:
'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied.
'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine..'





A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to
the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said,
'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove 
a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation,
'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,
'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from
San Francisco  to  New York City?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.



* WARNING *

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" 
in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a virus. 

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton," 
do not open it.  It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.



Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder 
of Juan Gonzalez..

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'



Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'



A man is recovering from surgery when the surgical nurse
appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor
used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and
twenty pounds since I had even considered buying
a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.



 
 The graveside service just barely finished, when there was a
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of
lightning, accompanied by even more thunder
rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, '
Well, she's there!'

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