REPAIR

A Kansas farm wife called the local Phone Company to report
her telephone failed to ring when her friends called,
and that on the few occasions, when it did ring,
her dog always "moaned" right before
the phone rang.

The Telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set,
and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog "moaned"
and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the Telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by  pissing and moaning.



My musician son decided to play guitar at his own wedding reception. 
That day, tuning his strings was taking longer than usual. 

"It's a little harder to do with a ring on,"
he apologized to the waiting guests.

That's when a man called out,
"Everything's harder with a ring on!"

 Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder........ 

I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. 

Having not seen my wife for several months, I was horny & hot, pulsing 
with anticipation and looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her. 

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel 
wrapped round her head, and I shot her.

Traffic Stop
 

South Carolina State Trooper


S.C. State Trooper: " Registration please Ma'am. "

Woman: " Let me look for it. Sorry officer, I can't find it. "

Trooper: " Look again. " 

Woman: " It is NOT in my glove box ! "

Trooper: " Just to make sure Ma'am, please look again. "

Woman: " Look Officer, You've already ordered me to check my glove box 
three times. My registration just isn't in there !! "

Trooper: " Ma'am....Please Check again ! "

Woman: " For the last time.... I can't find it !! "

Trooper: Look again . . . . .

THE LIFE CYCLE OF A CHICKEN 
IN THREE PHOTOS...

You don't have to speak any particular language to understand this little 
philosophical nugget.  A picture is worth a thousand words, so, with a 
little imagination, could be applied to all life in general.

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do Something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him.

Then God said,
'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that To him, and then said,
'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a Hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On The other side of the
Hill you will find a Cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a Cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave You will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a Woman?'

So God explained That to him, too. Then, God said,
'I Want you to Reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?' 

God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....' 

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down Into  the valley,
Across the river, and Over the hill, into the Cave, and finds the Woman.

Then, in about five Minutes, he was back.

God, His patience Wearing thin, said Angrily, 'What is it Now?'

And Adam said.... ' God, what's a headache?'



A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a
tiny necklace cell phone for women.

Have you seen this thing? It's on a chain - you wear It around your neck -
it hangs down right into a woman's cleavage.

The only problem women have with it; when it rings,
every guy in the room yells, "I'll get it."

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house  should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.



A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance
to the emergency room.  In typical hospital ER fashion, she was placed
on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.
       Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,

"Please help me!"

"Sorry... it's not my table."



Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him.
He'd never been to church in his life.  After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said,
"Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass.
What made ya come?"

"I got to be honest with you Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I
really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine
and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had
to take  off  his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in
the back of church.So, I was going to leave after Communion
and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat..
What changed your mind?"  

"Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments,
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said;
"After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would
rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"  

Murphy slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'
I remembered where I left me hat."





A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,
when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said.

'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl
a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said,
'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell
Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said:

'Next year tell Santa;
the prick goes underneath the horse,
not on top'!!!

 

Who is Jack Shitt

click->  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XuRwis3_iVk&feature=youtu.be <-click 


Click your BACK button after viewing to return to The Copy Macheen
DON'T GET X'd OFF SITE



A newlywed couple is getting ready for bed when the husband says,
"Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see your
body. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

She opens her robe and lets her husband see her naked body.

And he says, "You are so so so beautiful. Can I get the camera
and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" she asks.

"Because I love you so so so much, and I'd like to keep your
picture next to my heart forever!"

She allows him to get the camera and take the picture. Then she
says, "Honey, now that we're married, it's okay for me to see
your body too. Would you open your robe so I can have a look?"

He opens his robe and lets his wife see his naked body.

And she asks, "Can I get the camera and take a picture?"

"Why do you want to do that?" he asks her.

"Because I want to get it enlarged!"



This is a true story about a married couple who travel together on business. 
One night they are so tuckered out they decide to be sure they get some
rest by booking two separate, but adjoining first floor rooms.
Suddenly, in the middle of the night, the wife screams out,

“Help!!!”

As the husband rushes into his wife’s chamber, he sees a shadowy figure
slipping away into the garden.

“Darling,” the wife sobs, “It was awful. Somebody broke into my room
and raped me two times.”

“Two times?” the husband asks in surprise.
“Why didn’t you call me after the first time?”

“Well, the first time I thought it was you,” the wife said.
“But when he began again, I realized it was somebody else….”