Lady Lynx

 

 

The mayor of Houston, Texas was very worried
about a plague of pigeons in Houston.
 
The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city.
All of Houston was full of pigeon poop.
The people of Houston couldn't walk on the sidewalks
or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try to
keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall
and offered the Mayor a proposition.

"I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons
without cost to the city. But, you must promise
not to ask me any questions.   Or, you can pay me
five million dollars and ask one question."

The mayor considered the offer briefly
and accepted the free proposition.
    
The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall,
opened his coat, and released a red pigeon.
The red pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the
bright blue Texas sky.
All the pigeons in Houston saw the red pigeon.
They gathered up behind the red pigeon.
The Houston pigeons followed the red pigeon
as she flew eastward out of the city.

The next day the red pigeon returned
completely alone to the man atop City Hall.
The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man
and the red pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous
feat to rid Houston of the plague of pigeons.
 
Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,
the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars
and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question
to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee
and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay
the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.
 
The man accepted the money and
told the mayor to ask his question.

The Mayor asked:
"Do you have any red Mexicans?"

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold,
he lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempts to make his way home but is stopped
by the Customs Agent at the border.

"May I see your identification, please?" asks the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet,"
"Sure, buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,"
"But I can prove that I'm an American!" he exclaims.
"I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one butt cheek
and a picture of George Bush on the other."

"This I gotta see," replies the agent.
With that, Joe drops his pants and bends over
in front of the agent.
"By golly, you're right!" exclaims the agent.
"Go on home to Boston."

"Thanks!" he says. "But how did you know I was from Boston?"
The agent replies,
"I recognized the picture of Ted Kennedy in the middle."

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS
<>
1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner
is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it!

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end  up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol handy just in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

 

Sheri Bein Baaad's Advice:
Don't keep your man in the dog house too often
or he might give his bone to the woman next door.

SIX OLD LADIES
One day while  passing a nursing home  I noticed
6 old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought
this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same Nursing Home 
with the same six old ladies laying naked on the lawn.
 This time my curiosity got the best of me &
I went inside to talk to the manager.

 Do you know there are six ladies laying naked on your front lawn?"

 "Yes," he said. "They are retired prostitutes
& they're having a Yard sale



THOUGHTS TO PONDER
<>
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
 "I am not available  right now, but thank you for
caring enough to call. I am making some changes
in my life. Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
-
At pilots training, back in the Air Corps they taught us,
 "Always try to keep the number of landings you make
equal to the number of take offs you make."
-
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
-
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
-
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's
one day, we passed a car accident.  Usually when we see
something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those
who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son,
"We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request:
"Please, God, don't let those cars
block the entrance to McDonald's."
-
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
-
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough
to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
-
God made man before woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer for her first question.

"Surprise"

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one
day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the
beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always
beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn
right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right
until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home
and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

"Put that son of a gun on the phone!
I'm lost and need directions!"



When Dick the dumb-ass teen went to the urologist
complaining of discharge dripping from his penis,
the doctor took one look and told him he had V.D.

"No way," said the shocked young lad, blushing terribly. 
"It's gotta be a cold."

"Call it what you like, dude," said the dick doctor. 
"But we'll have to treat it like the VD until it sneezes."

One day, Little Johnny's teacher, Miss Figpot asked the class,

"Children,  tell me things you can suck!"
If you know the answer, please raise your hand!

"Ice cream, mam!" Little Mary answered.

"Good, Mary." Miss Figpot said, "Anyone else?".

"How about a lollipop!" said Steven.

"Very good! And now Johnny!", the teacher said.

Little Johnny, sitting at back then answered, "A lamp !".

The teacher  wondered about Little Johnny's
answer and asked him,
"Johnny, why do you think one can suck lamp?"

"Well, last night when I passed my parents' bedroom,
I heard my mom say,
'turn off the lamp, honey and let me suck it.'"



We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I
usually do, because it feels a little roomier.  Just as the feature
was about to start, a Blonde baby boomer from the center of
the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me,
gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her
and I was a little impatient, so I said,
"Couldn't you have done this a little earlier"?

No!!" she said in a loud whisper.
"The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message
just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

The tough businessman was feeling very ill
and went to the doctor.

The doc examined him and backed away, saying,
"I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have an advanced case
of highly infectious rabies. You must have had it for some time.
It will almost certainly be fatal."

"Could you give me a pen and paper?" said the businessman.

"Do you want to write your will?"

"No, I want to make a list of all the people I want to bite."



A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous woman nursing a drink. 
 Walking up behind her he says,
"Hi, there, good lookin'! How's it going?"
 
Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around,
faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, .
 
 "Listen up, buddy.  I screw anybody, any time, anywhere,
your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door,
on the ground, standing up, sitting down,  naked or
with clothes on, dirty, clean ... it just doesn't matter to me!!!”
  
 Eyes now wide with interest, he responded,

"No kidding. I'm a  lawyer  too.
 What firm are you with?"

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***BUSH SPENT YOUR  SOCIAL SECURITY ON HIS WAR … 
FEEL  SAFER NOW?

      
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

It is the VETERAN, not the preacher, 
who has given us freedom of religion. 

It  is the VETERAN, not the reporter, 
who has given us freedom of the press. 

It  is the VETERAN, not the poet, 
who has given us freedom of speech. 

It is  the VETERAN, not the campus organizer, 
who has given us freedom to assemble.  

It is the VETERAN, not the lawyer, 
who has given us the right to a fair trial.  

It is the VETERAN, not the politician, 
Who has given us the right to vote.  

It is the VETERAN 
who salutes the Flag. 

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore