Many thanks to all and special thanks to
AngOBri, Perilpurple, MRuss74101, Tootsie, 
Youniqu101, SlingoGMa
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man
on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me
had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart
piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight
when the cashier beckoned the woman
to come forward, looked into the cart,
and asked sweetly,
"So which ten items would you like to buy?"



Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my
elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute
wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old.
We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.

The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is
that they would hate to have to make a living
under the laws they've passed.



All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her
down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom;
the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with
ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.

Before her father gave her away in marriage,
the bride gave him back his credit card.



Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax
and get used to the idea.



An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "Maybe,
but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put
the curse on you."

Without hesitation the old man says,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."

OVERWEIGHT WOMAN

A woman is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
and repeat this procedure for two weeks.  The next time
I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the woman returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says.
"Did you follow my instructions?"

The woman nods.  "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from all that skipping."

A man walks into a bar with his dog and puts the dog on a barstool.
The bartender asks the man what he wants to drink.
"I'll have a bourbon and Coke!"

The man then turns to his dog and asks,
"What are you going to have, Rover?"

"I'll have a Scotch and Soda. Light on the Soda."  says Rover

The bartender is skeptical about the dog talking.
"Come on," he says, "that dog can't talk.
You're a ventriloquist!"

"No, Rover can really talk! While I am in the restroom,
you can have a conversation with him yourself, but
don't let him out of your sight. He is a very valuable dog."

The man goes to the restroom.  When he returns, the dog is gone.

"Hey, where's my dog?   I told you not to let him out of your sight."

"Aw, I didn't believe that Rover could talk, so I gave him a quarter
and sent him to the drug store to buy me a paper."

"Let's go look for him," said the man.
The two went to the drugstore. No Rover.

They walked up and down nearby alleys and streets.  No dog!

Finally, they found Rover in an alley on top of another dog,
pumping away.

Pointing his finger at Rover, the man says angrily,
"How come you are doing this?"
"You have never done this before!"

Rover says;  "First time I ever had any money!"

Recently I was asked to play in a golf outing.
At first I said, "Naaahhh...."

Then they said to me, "Come on, it's for
handicapped and blind kids".

Then I thought..........
SHIT -- I could win this thing!!!



I'LL  BET . .

If the paper clip were invented today,
it would probably have ten moving parts,
five transistors, and require a service man
three times a year.



I'm Italian and I am a Golfer
  
    An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
"How do you stay in such great physical condition?"
    
   I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why
I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and
out golfing up and down the fairways."
"Have a glass of vino, and all is well."
    
   "Well," says the doctor,  "I'm sure that helps, but there's got
to be more to it.  How old was your Dad when he died?"
  
   "Who said my Dad's dead?"
  
   The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old
and your Dad's still alive.  How old is he?"
    
   "He's 100 years old," says the old Italian
   golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning,
and then we went to the topless beach for a walk,
that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian
   and he's a golfer too."
   
   "Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure
there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad?
How old was he when he died?"
    
   "Who said my grandpa's dead?"  "He's still akick'n."
    
   Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old
and your grandfather's still living!
   Incredible, how old is he?"
  
   "He's 118 years old," says the old Italian
   golfer.  The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
"So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
      
   "No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's
getting married today."
   
   At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married!!
Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
  
   "Who said he wanted to?"

HOW THE 'STICK PEOPLE' BECAME EXTINCT

The Blind Bunny And The Snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail
and tripped over a large snake and fell, right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you,
but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake.
 'To be sure, it was my fault.
I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too,
and I didn't see you coming.
By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never
seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

 So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft,
and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail
and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way,
what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny
agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished,
the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied,
'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any Balls..
You must be a POLITICIAN.'

The George W Bush Presidential Library
The George W Bush Presidential Library is now starting the
construction stage. The Library will include:
 
The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
 
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able
to remember anything.
 
The Texas Air National Guard Room,
where you don't even have to show up.
 
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
 
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
 
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room,
which no one has been able to find.
 
The National Debt room which is huge and has no ceiling.
 
The 'Tax Cut' Room with entry only to the wealthy.
 
The 'Economy Room' which is in the toilet.
 
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they
make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and
sometimes fifth tour.
 
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed  location,
complete with shotgun gallery.
 
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
 
The Supremes Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
 
The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your
favorite Republican Senators.
 
The 'Decider Room' complete with dart board, magic 8-ball,
Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
  
The museum will have an electron microscope to help you
locate this President's accomplishments!

SMILES

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
-
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
-
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and over fifty for Miss America?
-
Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.
-
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear
loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
-
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping,"
now I just "chunky dunk."
-
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching
may not be able to tell the difference.
-
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life
we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
-
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school,
but they can in prison?
-
Wouldn't you know it...
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but F A T cells live forever.
-
Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the
Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?
-
Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher and, since it's in English,
thank a soldier"
-
And remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end,
the faster it goes.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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