'Disorder in the American Courts'
- -
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis,
does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
of something you forgot?
-
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
-
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old,_ how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
-
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
-
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:  Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:  getting laid.
-
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
-
ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
-
ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
-
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
-
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead  at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
-
ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
-
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:  No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been live
and practicing law.


THE DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH 
  


A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. 
  
And this went on for more then 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady spoke to him. 
  
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."

A guy came into work one day with a fistful of cigars
and started passing them out left and right to celebrate
the birth of his son. 

"Congratulations, Bubba," said the boss.
How much does the baby weigh?"

       "Four and a half pounds," reported the father proudly.

       "Gee, that's kind of small."

       "What did you expect?" retorted Bubba indignantly.
"We've only been married three months."







How to Interpret Personal Ads
for Senior dating

WOMEN'S ADS  
looking to attract a man

50-ish............................59
Adventurer......................Slept with all your friends
Athletic..........................No tits
Average looking..............Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile............Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated........................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure.........Medicated
Feminist.........................a Fat ball buster & doesn't shave her arm pits
Free spirit.......................Junkie
Friendship first................Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun................................Annoying
Gentle............................Comatose
Good Listener.................Borderline Autistic
New-Age.........................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded...................Desperate
Outgoing.........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate......................Sloppy drunk
Poet................................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional.....................Certified Bitch
Redhead..........................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque...................Grossly Fat
Romantic.........................Looks better by candle light
Social...........Has been passed around like an hors d'oeuvres tray
Voluptuous.......................Very Fat
Weight proportion w/ height.....Hugely Fat -as tall as you are wide
Wants Soul mate..............Stalker
Widow.............................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart..................Old bat .

MEN'S ADS  
looking to attract a woman

50-ish..........................59 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic........................Watches a lot of NASCAR
Average looking.......Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated......................Will patronize the shit out of you
Free Spirit.....................Banging your sister
Friendship first...............As long as friendship involves nookie
Fun...............................Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking.................Arrogant
Very good looking..........Dumb as a board
Honest..........................Pathological Liar
Huggable......................Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle..............Insecure mama's boy
Mature..........................Older than your father
Open-minded.......Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested
Physically fit..................Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Poet.........................Wrote ex-girlfriend's # on a bathroom stall
Sensitive.......................Cries at chick flicks
Very sensitive................Gay
Spiritual.........................Got laid in a church once
Stable...........................Arrested for stalking, but not convicted
Thoughtful......................Says "Excuse me" when he farts

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting
together in the front pew of church
listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these
two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs,
"AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust,
they yelled again,
"PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they
jumped to their feet and screamed,
"RIGHT ON, BROTHER!
TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the
two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said,
"He's quit preaching! Now he's meddling."

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
-
Middle age is when broadness of the mind
and narrowness of the waist change places.
-
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
-
Junk is something you've kept for years
and throw away three weeks before you need it.
-
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
-
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
-
Learn from the mistakes of others..
Trust me.. you can't live long enough to make
them all yourself. I've tried!!




 
My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers
in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out.

I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine,
but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."


 
A woman calls a veterinarian at 1:00 in the morning,
frantic that her pooch has been carrying on with another dog.
They are now  stuck together in the yard
and she wants to get them apart.

The male vet, sounding a little irritated asks,
"Did you try warm water?"

"Yes," said the woman, "It didn't work."

"Did you try banging pots and pans together,
make a lot of noise to frighten them apart?"

"No, but I will try that right now, hold the line!"
A few minutes later, she gets back on the phone

"No, that did not work either!"
 
The vet then says, "Ok, try this, after you hang up,
put your phone in the window so the dogs can hear it.
Get on your cell phone and dial your number."
 
She asks, "Do you really think the ringing
of my home phone will get them apart?"

The vet replies,
"Well, it worked with me and my wife when you called!

MAKES SENSE TO ME
<>
While reviewing math symbols with my second-grade pupils,
I drew a greater-than (>) and a less-than (<) sign on the chalkboard.

I asked, "Does anyone remember what these mean?"
 
A few moments passed, and then a boy confidently raised his hand.

"One means fast-forward," he exclaimed,
"and the other means rewind!"

Since it's now only about 120 days 'til Christmas, and because
a teacher, Mrs. Jones, didn't want her class to miss it, (lol)
she asked each of her students how they
usually celebrate Christmas.

She called first on young Patrick O'Malley.
"Tell me, Patrick, what do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class:
"My twelve brothers and sisters and I go to midnight Mass and
we sing hymns. Then we come home very late and we put
mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings.
Then we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas
to come with all our toys."

"Very nice, Patrick," she said.
"Now, Ester Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Sister and I also go to church with Mum and Dad, & we sing
carols. When we get home, we put cookies and milk by the
chimney and hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep
waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

"That's also very nice, Ester," she said.

Realizing that there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
wanting to leave him out of the discussion,
she asked him the same question.

"Now, Isaac,  what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, we also sing carols," Isaac responded.

Surprised, Mrs. Jones questioned further.
"Tell us what you sing."

"Well, it's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from
the office. We all pile into our big Cadillac and drive to his
toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty
shelves and sing,
'What A Friend We Have In Jesus.'

Then we all go to the Bahamas.

WHEN SHOPPING CHECK THE LABELS
 Buy American