"Life is too short to dwell on regrets.
Love the people who treat you right. 
Forget about those who don't."

"The happiest people don't have the best of everything.
They just make the best of everything."

"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!"

"LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past."

"If there's no smile on your face and no laughter in your heart,
YOU are just . . . . a sour old fart."

"Life is too short for drama & petty things.
So kiss slowly, Laugh insanely, Love truly 
and Forgive quickly."

Many thanks to
Trish, AngOBri, Terrygray11, Wannawynn, 
CLRiley, IrockBlue, MRuss74101
for contributing to the content of today's page.

~  Signs ~
Made To Order

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"

At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck :
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire
and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet:
Miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait. "

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
" Best place in town to take a leak."



A lady and her husband have been arguing back and forth 
for some time.
She makes an appointment to see her doctor and tells him,

"My husband has been complaining that my pussy has an odor,
but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says,
"Ma'am, you need an operation."

She says, "On my pussy?"

He says, "No, on your NOSE!"

CAN YOU FIND THE DUCK

It’s Harold’s first day in the carpool.
They honk the horn in front of his house
and he comes running out. He gets about halfway
down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound
of his wife’s foot tapping on the porch.

He turns around and there she is, scowling at him.
He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over,
kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver,
can’t stand it. Burnett asks, Harold, it’s none of my business,
but why’d you kiss her down there?

Harold says, You wouldn’t believe her breath in the morning.

INHERITANCE

A man, returning home a day early from a business trip,
got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby
if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife
was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
   
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband
and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights,
yanked the blanket back and there was his
wife in bed with another man.
The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it!
This man has been very generous!
I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Corvette I bought for you.
He paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your season Oriole tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership,
and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband
slowly lowered the gun. He looked over
at the cab driver and said,
"What would you do?"

The cabby said......
 
"I'd cover his ass with that blanket
before he catches a cold."

An employment interviewer for a big company in New York
was talking  to an attractive young woman applying for a job.
Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed
that the girl had not  answered one important question
concerning transportation to and from work.

"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.

"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply,
"but it's a 36C."

One of the Irish Radio Networks was trying to find 'new words'
not in the dictionary but in every day use.

Network: "What is your word, Sir?"

Caller: "Gowan."

Network: "How do you spell that, Sir?"

Caller: "G-O-W-A-N."

Network: "I have checked the dictionary and it is not in there.
Can you give me a sentence with your word in it?"

Caller: "Sure, Gowan Fuck Yourself!"

Network: "Apologies to our listeners."

After two hours with no new words being put forward
the Network tries one more time,
"Is there anybody out there with a new word for us?"

Caller: I have word, "Smee."

Network: "How do you spell your word?"

Caller: "S-M-E-E."

Network: "It is not in the dictionary,
Can you give us a sentence with your word in it?"

Caller: "SMEE again, GOWAN fuck yourself!"

Network - Silence - Off The Air.

   A beautiful young blonde woman was appearing in court to face a
      public disorder charge. When her name was called out in the
      court foyer, she brushed her hair, checked her make-up, took
      a deep breath, and walked into the court and took to the
      witness stand.

      The charges were read out, and she was asked how she pleaded.

      "Not guilty," the blonde answered emphatically.

      The prosecutor then approached the blonde and said,
      "Is it true that on the 11th of December last year you
      committed acts of gross indecency with a one-legged dwarf
      who was waving a union jack on the roof of a car, whilst
      traveling at over 100 mph through the center of London in a
      blizzard and . . . you were totally nude?"

      The blonde composed herself, looked straight at the prosecution
      council and calmly said,

"What was the date again?"

Him: "I woke up with a hard-on this morning,
and it had your name written all over it."

Her: "I'm sure my name is far too long to fit the
whole thing on your dick."

Him: "Oh, yeah? What's your name?"

Her: "Lu."

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?"
 
Wife: "I clean the toilet"

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

The Duck

A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer
and a ham sandwich.
 
The barman looks at him and says,
"But you're a duck".

"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
 
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get
many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".

"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.

Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
 
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub 
and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
 
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
 
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job,
paying really good money!"
 
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
 
"At the circus", says the barman.
 
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
 
"That's right", replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.
 
"Yes" says the barman.

"That place with the big tent?" the duck inquires.

"Yeah" the barman replies.

"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
 
"Of Course" the barman replies.
 
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck looks confused.
"What the fuck would they want with a bricklayer?


                                        
When my friend, John, came from Philadelphia to visit us in Kentucky,
it took him a while to get used to our Southern foods and accents.
One morning we were having breakfast at a local diner,
and he ordered an egg platter that came with grits.

"Hominy?" inquired our waitress.
 
"Just two," John replied.

Wine vs. Water
 
Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria".

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated
that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of  the year we
would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.  In other words,
we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because
 alcohol has to go through a purification process
of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember:  Water = Poop,  Wine = Health.
               
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.

A Frenchman walking through a field,
sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
 
The  Frenchman shouts: "Bois pas l’eau,
c’est plein de marde de vache! "
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow crap)
 
The man shouts back: "I'm English, speak English,
I don't understand you".
 
The Frenchman shouts back:
"Use BOTH hands." 

How many times have we thought . .
"If I just close my eyes the bitch will go away."

Payback

"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."

"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."

"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."

"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."

"Wow! Is that true"?

"I wouldn't lie.
She's twice her weight and twice her age!"

GOLF
A gushy reporter told Phil Michelson,
"You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with
the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.
What's your secret?"
 
Michelson replied, "The holes are numbered"
 

 
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3
the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole my son?"
 
The young man says, "An 8 iron, father. How about you?"
 
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
 
The young man hits his 8 iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
 
The young man says, "I don't know about you father,
but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."
 

 
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
5 iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective! Asks,
"Ma'am, is that your husband?"
 
"Yes" says the woman.
 
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
 
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club,
and puts her, hands on her face.
 
"How many times did you hit him?"
 
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times.....
just put me down for a five."
 

 
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing
and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and
saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit
through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty
swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the
forehead and killed him.
 
As he approached the gates of Heaven,
St. Peter saw him coming and asked,
"Are you a good golfer"?
 
To which the man replied:
"Got here in two, didn't I?"

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through
the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find
a little old Jew at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first."

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want
to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water
you need. Shalom."

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back.

"Your fucking brother won't let me in without a tie."



" Notable Quote "
David Letterman
<>
"Senator Craig was arrested for lewd behavior in
an airport men's room, and I'm thinking,

'Hell, I'm lucky if I can get a hand dryer to blow!'"

"PRESS ONE FOR ENGLISH"
(slight wait for tune to load)

CLICK HERE - >  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sEJfS1v-fU0

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We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

" WOW "

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