CHURCH BULLETIN BOARDS
BLOOPERS INCLUDED
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The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance 
to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  
Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say 'Hell' to someone
who doesn't care much about you.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,'
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it,
we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.
They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 
in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 
'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items 
to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the
deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining,
super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - 
prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  
All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall 
after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the 
pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet 
in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation
is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's 
new campaign slogan last Sunday:
' I Upped My Pledge  -  Up Yours. '

An old couple was watching TV one evening, and the husband
got up to go to the kitchen. His wife told him to get her 
some iced tea, and knowing that the years had taken
their toll on his memory, she told him to write it down.

"I can remember iced tea," he protested.
"But I want sugar in my tea too," she told him, "so write it down.

"He told her he could remember iced tea with sugar.

"I want a slice of lemon too." she said, "Just write it down.

"He left the room grumbling to himself. A few minutes later he
came back with a plate full of mashed potatoes for her.

"Now look what you've done!" she yelled at him,
"You forgot my gravy."

There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. 
One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a
shopping cart with items.
 
This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official
spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, 
very tall and had that hat just like 
the Quaker Oats guy wears.
 
Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to
one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk
could hardly contain himself.
 
"Are you a real Quaker?" he asked as he was ringing up
the merchandise.
 
"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.
 
"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"
 
The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, 
"Yes, I am a real Quaker."
 
"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before.
Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.
 
The tall man ignored this request and waited for his 
merchandise to be tallied up. 
"Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"
 
The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy.
The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply.
 
The man said, "Fuck Thee."

Chicken Surprise
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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the
'Chicken Surprise', the waiter brings the meal,
served in a lidded cast iron pot.
 
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes 
looking around before the lid slams back down.
 
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it
and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking
around before it slams down.
 
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is
happening, and demands an explanation.
 
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
 
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
  
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck!'

One of the girls just walked into my office and began looking
at the pictures of my children.
"These are all of them when they were young," she said.
"Why don't you get some recent pictures of them?"

"Because," I said, "I use these pictures to remind me of when 
they were little and sweet. That way, when I go home
I don't kill the little bastards."



An Amish woman and her daughter were riding
in an old buggy one cold blistery day.
The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat
will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My  hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,
'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body
will warm them up.'

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy
with the daughter. He said,
'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied
'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body
will warm it up.

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the 
daughter, and he said,
'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy
with her mother again, and she asks,

'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,
'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost,
don't they!!!'

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again remarried and, this time, she & John had 5 more 
children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied:....
  
"I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

 
The Moroccan Sultan commanded his faithful servant:
"Get me wife number one!"

The servant raced across the palace grounds to the harem
and came back with the desired wife.

An hour later the Sultan summoned the servant again:
"Get me wife number two!" he ordered.

Again the servant dashed across the spacious grounds
of the palace and reported back with
the Sultan's second wife.

Only an hour later the Sultan called again for his
fleet-footed servant:
"Fetch me wife number three!"

As the obedient servant raced out of the royal chambers
dropped dead from physical exhaustion.

MORAL:
It's not the loving that kills you.
 It's the running around!

Condoms
Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms
and kept the same tagline.....
- -
KFC condoms - Finger Licking good.

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop.

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper.

Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that others just cannot reach.

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best in the world.

Mars condoms - pleasure you can't measure.

Pepperami condoms - its a bit of an animal.

Polo condoms - the one with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

L'oreal condoms - because your worth it!

Mr. Muscle condoms - love the jobs you hate!



"Doc, you gotta help me!" said this guy to his doctor.

"I eat apples, and whole apples come out.
I eat bananas, and bananas come out! What do I do?"

"Simple." said the Doc. "Eat shit!"

Suckling Pigs


A married man was visiting his "girlfriend"
when she requested that he shave his beard.
"Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really
love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard. I couldn't possibly do it.
She would kill me!!"

"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice...

"Really, I can't," he replied. " My wife loves this beard!!"

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife
while she was sleeping.

The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said,
" Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here.
My husband will be home soon."

CROSSING THE BORDER ILLEGALLY

WHY IS IT......IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR ?

BUT IF YOU CROSS THE US BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, 
AND FREE HEALTH CARE... 

WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS THIS?????? 

THIS IS MY COUNTRY

When will  AMERICANS STOP giving away THEIR RIGHTS???
 We've gone so far the other way .. Bent over backwards not to  
offend anyone. But it seems no one cares about the  
 AMERICAN that's being offended or about
our laws that are being broken!

WHEN SHOPPING CHECK THE LABELS
 Buy American