Jill was telling Mary about her first junket to Atlantic City and how hard it was
to get any sleep.

"I was awakened at one, two And four in the morning by a drunken blackjack dealer
banging On the door and screaming," she recalled.

"That's terrible," Mary said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
 
"At five o'clock I finally unlocked the door and let him out," Jill laughed.

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.
Artery......................... The study of paintings.
Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.
Barium......................... What doctors do when patients die.
Caesarean Section............... A neighbourhood in Rome.
Catscan........................ Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................... A sheep dog.
Coma........................... A punctuation mark.
D&C............................ Where Washington is.
Dilate......................... To live long.
Enema.......................... Not a friend.
Fester......................... Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................... A small lie.
G.I. Series.................... World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail....................... What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................... Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................... Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................... A higher offer.
Nitrates....................... Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................... I knew it.
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................... A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................... Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative................. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.................. Place to do upholstery.
Rectum......................... Pretty near killed him.
Secretion...................... Hiding something.
Seizure........................ Roman emperor.
Tablet......................... A small table.
Terminal Illness............... Getting sick at the airport.
Tumour.......................... One plus one more.
Urine.......................... Opposite of you're out.
Varicose....................... Near by/close by.



There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was
a young man standing there who said:

          "I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

          I said "Come in and sit down. Now, what do you want to talk about"?

         He said, “Damned if I know, I never got this far before."



A woman was sipping on a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband.
 
She says " I love you so much.  I don't know how I could ever live without  you".
 
Her husband asks, "is that you or the wine talking"?
 
She replies, "it's me talking to the wine".







Spent $40.00 on e-Bay last week for a penis enlarger. 

Just opened the box and some bastard’s sent me a magnifying glass!



In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist,
Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following:

"The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with
one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.

It is only a pity that the management system
is so fucking temperamental."

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy
of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found
that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well
even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited
the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife
and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner,
"Try a bit of self- stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and
you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she
would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," She cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office?
The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find
a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be
inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly,
fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session,
he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining
the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?"

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," He replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there.
Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."






Seen this before but you gotta laugh every time! 
You need this today, so funny, tears to my eyes laughing

Hollywood squares
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, and not scripted, 
 Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..

Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?

A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!

(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost
15 minutes of the show!)


Q. Do female frogs croak?

A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.


Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be

A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.


Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...

A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.


Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably
a man or awoman?

A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.


Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you
think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out
and ask him if he's married?

A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.


Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?

A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..


Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?

A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..


Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?

A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.


Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less
with your hands while talking?

A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter,
and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.


Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.


Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going
to get any during the first year?

A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.


Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?

A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.


Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps..
One is politics, what is the other?

A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures..


Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.


Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?

A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.


Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.
What will a goose do?

A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?


Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?

A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark..


Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?

A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.


Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?

A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.


Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?

A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.


Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or
your elephant?

A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?


Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?

A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.


Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has
actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

A. Charley Weaver: His feet.


Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?

A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.


"WE DON'T STOP LAUGHING BECAUSE WE GROW OLD,
WE GROW OLD BECAUSE WE STOP
LAUGHING" --unknown


 
In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obey the call of nature.
He went to the edge of the field and started peeing.  Most unfortunately,
he was stung by a bee right on the"tip".

The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. He
went to the farmer's house and put his penis in buttermilk.

At that moment the farmer's daughter came in. With her face red,
she stood perfectly still looking at him.

"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.

To which the girl replied:

"Yes, but this is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"



Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick
to commit suicide. Lets have a look at the evidence:

- No Christmas - No television - No nude women - No football - No pork chops 
- No hotdogs - No burgers - No beer - No bacon - Rags for clothes - Towels for hats - 
Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower - More than one wife - 
More than one mother in law - You can't shave -Your wife can't shave -
You can't wash off the smell of donkey - You wipe your ass with your hand - 
You cook over burning camel shit - Your wife is picked by someone else - 
Your wife smells worse than your donkey. 

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"

    No shit Sherlock!........It's not like it could get much worse!    

An old lady crossing the street tripped on a loose paving block and wound
up sitting on her rear end in the midst of traffic.  By chance Sarah Palin
was following a few steps behind and hastened to assist
the discombobulated dame. 

When they got to the other side Sarah said,
“It’s been a pleasure to give you a hand.  Did you recognize me?  
I’m Sarah Palin and I hope you’ll vote for me in the next big election.”

The old lady looked her in the eye and said sweetly,
“Didn’t you notice?  I fell on my ass, not my head.”