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Saw a commercial for Cialis. The end of their commercials always have some "warnings" about using it. I can see this guy going to an emergency room and saying "I've  got a hard on that won't go away!" "Well sir, would you like to see a doctor?" "No, maybe a nurse or two!!" PHYSICAL EXAM                  An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination,  Whereupon the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, But tell me, do you still have intercourse?"  "Just a minute, I'll have to ask  My husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said: "Bob do we still have Intercourse?"  Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once,                I told you a thousand times...             We have             Blue Cross!  A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,  "I had no idea you were this religious."  The boy turns, and whispers back,  " I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." Obtainable Affirmations   1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with   my inner sociopath.   2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-   soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.   3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the   ones that are someone else's fault.   4. I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself,   unless I want to stay employed.   5. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.   6. Having control over myself is almost as good as having   control over others.   7. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.   8. I honor my personality flaws for without them I would   have no personality at all.   9. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those   censorious, self-righteous people around me.   10. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is   willing to learn from them.     "More Americans can name the three stooges than the three   branches of government. Well, that's because the three   stooges are more likely to get something done."   --David Letterman     IT WAS SO HOT THAT ALL THE CORN STARTED POPPING AND FLYING THROUGH THE AIR. THE COWS THOUGHT IT WAS SNOWING, AND THEY FROZE TO DEATH   "Dancing is wonderful training for girls. It's the first way you learn to guess what a man is going to do before he does it."   (Christopher Morley A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later,  the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more. Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.  A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.  As before she took a tissue, wiped  her nose, her body shaking even more than before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?" "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;  When ever I sneeze I have an orgasm." The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious.  I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?" The woman nodded,    "Pepper." WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop! However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.   I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.     A college class was told that each student had to write a short story in as few words as possible. The short story had to contain the following three things: (1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery. There was only one A+ paper in the entire class. Below is that short story: "Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"   TALKING CLOCK A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole ...it's ten past three in the morning Well, it must be somebody's birthday, Mustn't it? Florida CarPool     A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. "Officer," he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last  few minutes?"    "No I haven't. What's the problem?"    "The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"    "Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?"  the officer asks.    "Well, yes," the barber replies.  "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand." Stay healthy and happy See you next month

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