A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead dinosaur with a
pigmy standing beside it. Amazed, he asked: "Did you kill that?".
The pigmy said "Yes."
The hunter asked "How could a little bloke like you
kill a huge beast like that?"
said the pigmy: "I killed it with my club."
The astonished hunter asked: "How big is your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 60 of us."



YOU KNOW YOU'RE NOT A KID ANY MORE WHEN ...

-You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
-You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
-You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

-You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
-You make an appointment to see the dentist.
-You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
-Neighbors borrow your tools.

-People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
-You have dreams about prunes.
-You answer a question with "because I said so!"
-You send money to PBS.

-The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near
the top of your pants.
-You take a metal detector to the beach.
-You wear black socks with sandals.
-You know what the word "equity" means.

-You can't remember the last time
you lay on the floor to watch TV.
-Your ears are hairier than your head.
-You talk about "good grass" and you're referring
to someone's lawn.
-You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
-You got cable for the weather channel.

-You go bowling without drinking.
-You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it."

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle,
and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down
and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,
"Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"


 


Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: How many born-again Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb, and about 500 to go outside and shout,
"I've seen the light!"

Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary.
A. Ah! Breakfast in bed.

My home church welcomes all denominations,
but really prefers tens and twenties.

 

Sunday School teacher asked her class,
"Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A small girl replied,
"Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"


 


Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka
had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers,
the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter,
"what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter.
"They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."



One early Sunday morning, a proper southern woman
was rushing to get ready for church. The woman ran
frantically throughout her house, tore through her closet,
threw her clothes over her head and dashed out the door to her car.
When the woman finally arrived at the church,
she saw a man coming toward her.

"Tell me, sir," she panted in her strong SOUTHERN DRAWL,
"Is M-ass out?"

"Nope," the man replied. "But, your hat's on crooked."

 


A man goes to doctor and says: 'Doctor, I have a problem.
When I drink tea, my eye aches and when I stop, it stops too.
Can you help me?'

Doctor says: "Take the spoon out of the cup!'



BILLY BOB AND RUFUS WORKED TOGETHER IN A KENTUCKY
CLOTHING FACTORY AND BOTH WERE LAID OFF SO THEY WENT
TO THE UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE.
 
WHEN ASKED HIS OCCUPATION, BILLY BOB SAID "PANTY STITCHER.....
I SEW ELASTIC INTO LADIES COTTON PANTIES".....

THE CLERK LOOKED UP "PANTY STITCHER" AND PUT DOWN
IT WAS LISTED AS UNSKILLED LABOR, SO SHE PUT HIM DOWN
FOR $300 A WEEK UNEMPLOYMENT PAY.
 
SHE ASKED RUFUS HIS OCCUPATION AND HE SAID, "DIESEL FITTER,
WHICH WAS LISTED AS A SKILLED JOB....
SHE PUT HIM DOWN FOR $600 A WEEK....
 
WHEN BILLY BOB FOUND OUT HE WAS FURIOUS!
HE STORMED BACK INTO THE OFFICE TO FIND OUT
WHY HIS CO-WORKER GOT TWICE THE MONEY......

THE CLERK EXPLAINED, "PANTY STITCHERS ARE UNSKILLED,
AND DIESEL FITTERS ARE SKILLED LABOR"
 
"WHAT SKILL?" YELLED BILLY BOB.
I SEW THE ELASTIC ON THE PANTIES AND RUFUS
PUTS 'EM OVER HIS HEAD AND SAYS,
"DIESEL FITTER"....!!!!