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Oh my goodness!   A thought on death.... Whenever someone dies and someone else says  "They're in a better place now," I wonder how bad their apartment could possibly have been  that a hole in the ground would be considered a step up. Old Charlie, a jolly old bloke, Made love to a cow as a joke. He found pleasure divine With this friendly bovine. Now they call him the old cowpoke! Democrats make better lovers; Who ever heard of a nice piece of elephant? A man at a retirement home was walking around with  his zipper down holding his penis. A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?" He replies,"It died today." "Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied. The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again. The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday." The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing."   The new Supermarket near my house has an automatic mist machine to keep the produce fresh.          Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.    I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.    Hot Hot Hooters! There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this  breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" He agreed, so the two old folks stripped to the buff and sat back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago!" "I'm not surprised," grinned Gramps.  "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!!!"    A Nun in Hooters  A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local  Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?  The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a  statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf" .  "Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.  So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and    she proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she  came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand, why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the  statue is lifted up, the lights go out.  Now how about that drink?" Well, It must be SOMEBODY'S Birthday HAIRCUT OR CAR  A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said,  "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and  we'll talk about the car."  Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and decided to settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went into  the study, where his father said,  "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed  that you have been studying your Bible, and participating  a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed,  since you haven't gotten your hair cut." The young man paused a moment, and then said,  "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that,  and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that  Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair,  Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument  that Jesus had long hair also."  To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" How To Catch Chicks There was a little boy walking one day and he walked by this house.  On the front porch of the house was an old man. The man says to the boy, "Where are you going with that chicken wire?" The boy says, "To catch chickens!" The man says, "You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" After a couple of hours the boy returns with a dozen chickens on the wire. The man was amazed and the asked the boy for his secret. He did not reveal it. The next day, the same boy walked by the same man but now with duct tape. "Where you going with duct tape, boy?" "To catch ducks!" "You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"  A few hours later, he returns with ducks lined along the tape. Again the old man was amazed and really wanted the secret. The next day the boy walks by again. The old man says, "Where you going with that stick?" The boy says, "This ain't no stick, this here is a pussy willow." The old man says, "Wait here so I can grab my hat and I'll be right with ya!" Living Will (as it should be) I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: ______A beer ______A Bloody Mary ______A Margarita ______A Scotch and Soda ______A Martini ______A Vodka and Tonic ______A steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______The remote control ______A bowl of ice cream ______The sports page ______Chocolate ______Sex ...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person  and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day. At this point it is time to call all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had together. Signature:          ___________________________ Date:     ___________________________          TaTa until August Stay well and Happy

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On The Jersey Shore