Lady Lynx

 

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The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight  attendant
gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat
belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your
trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew 
take you safely to your destination."

Ed sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
"Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said
"Did I understand you right?
Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the  attendant,
"In fact, this entire crew is female."

 "My God," said  Ed, "I'd better have two scotch and
sodas. I don't know what to  think of all those women up
there in the cockpit."

 
                   
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant,
"We  no longer call it the cock pit."

"It's the Box office."

JUST FOR KICKS
- -
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
-
When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and
get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count
how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
 -
When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard.
I was an only child... ...eventually.
- 
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier.
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- 
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
- 
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
Every once in a while I turn it on and off.
One day I got a call from a woman in France who said,
"Cut it out!"
- 
I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- 
I went to a general store
but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
-  
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.
They had little pictures of cats on them.
Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
- 
I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
- 
My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
- 
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.
I don't know how I got there.
- 
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
- 
I worked in a health food store once.
A guy came in and asked me,
'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'

FEMALE COMPASSION...

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach .
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past
and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman walked over to him and whispered in his ear
"Have you ever been fucked?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"

She said "You will be when the tide comes in".

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage,
but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.



A very well-built young blonde was lying on her
psychiatrist's couch telling him how frustrated she was
since she always failed at everything she seemed to try.

"I've tried to be a secretary and failed," she complained.
"I tried to be an actress and failed.
Then, I tried sales and I failed at that too."

The doctor thought for a moment and then said,
"It is important for everyone to live a full and meaningful life.
Have you tried nursing?"

She thought about his suggestion for a second,
then opened her blouse and revealed one of her luscious breasts.

Pointing it at the doctor, she said, "OK, I'll give it a try."

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised
to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.

The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant
walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda,
and make it snappy!"

The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.  A minute later,
she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my whiskey?  Hurry it up!"

Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and
returns quickly with the parrot's drink. 

Impressed with the parrot's technique,
the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. 
And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"

The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. 
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly
male flight attendants.  The crewmen seize the passenger
and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl
them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.

As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man,
"Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."

A friend of mine won't get a divorce.
Because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.

 

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today."
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower.
 
"Honey. . . what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you
for your money," she replied.



In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:

"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?"

In England they say, "It's 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?"

In France they say, "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"

In Poland they say, "It's 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"



What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet
in the middle, starts with a C and ends with a T ?

Coconut.

My strategy with my lawn.
I'm planting the weeds first,
hoping the grass will take over.



A Thingos Presentation © Whimsical & Wacky Wits



Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me
all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at
least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist
watch with eleven carats."

"Impressive." said the second young thing.

"Well... yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all
those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."

MORE GOLF JOKES

Jimmy Demaret:  "Golf and sex are about the only things
you can enjoy without being good at."
 
  Jack Lemmon:  "If you think it's hard to meet new people,
try picking up the wrong golf ball."
 
  Lee Trevino:  "If you're caught on a golf course during a storm
and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron.
Not even God can hit a 1-iron."
 
  Unknown:  "Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing
one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan.
Today it's called the PGA Tour."
 
  John Updike:  "Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child.
Just how childlike golf players become
is proven by their frequent inability to count past five."
 
  "Silk Stockings" TV:  "The people who gave us golf
and called it a game are the same people
who gave us bag pipes and called it music."
 
  Gerald Ford:  "I would like to deny all allegations
by Bob Hope, that during my last game of golf,
I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose."
 
  P.G.  Wodehouse:  "The least thing upsets him on the links.
He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies
in the adjoining meadows."
 
  Bob Hope:  "If I'm on the course and lightning starts,
I get inside fast.  If God wants to play through, let him."
 
  Ken Harrelson:  "In baseball you hit your home run over
the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence --
nobody cares.  In golf everything has got to be right over second base."
 
  Chi Chi Rodriguez:  "The first time I played the Masters,
I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off.
I shot the happiest 83 of my life."
 
  Chi Chi Rodriguez:  "After all these years, it's still embarrassing
for me to play on the American golf tour.
Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge
and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye."



INTERESTING OBSERVATIONS WITH AN
AMAZING CONCLUSION !!!!!

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
and........

6. The sport of choice for corporate
executives and officers is GOLF.  

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure,
the smaller your balls become.




A man is having problems with his dick,
which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says,

"Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. 
Your dick is burned out.  You only have
30 erections left in your penis."

The man walks home, deeply depressed.  His wife is waiting
for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said
concerning hisproblem.

He tells her what the doc told him.

She says, "Oh no!  Only 30 times!  We shouldn't waste that! 
We should make a list!"

He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home, 
and sorry, your name isn't on it."



LATEST POLLING...

43 percent of persons polled in the U.S.
said that immigration is a serious problem.

The other 57 percent said,
"No hablo inglés"

All last year Grandpa and Grandma Johnson have been receiving 
$500.00 checks in the mail every month and cashing them.  
It turns out an insurance company made a mistake with the address; 
the checks were intended for another Edwin P. Johnson, 
and Grandpa received notice to pay back $6,000.00.

Seriously upset, he complained to his grandson, an accountant.  
His grandson asked; "Grandpa, didn't you wonder why you 
were receiving checks for doing absolutely nothing?"  
 
Grandpa answers, 
"Nope, I jist figgered us Democrats wuz back in power."


      
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

HUNK

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore