Lady Lynx

 

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A farmer was munching on a cookie as he watches
the rooster chase a hen around.

 Playfully, the farmer threw a piece of cookie to the
ground. Seeing it, the rooster stopped chasing the hen
and ran to the piece of cookie.
 
The farmer shook his head slowly and said,
"Gosh. . . I hope I never get that hungry."



PUSSY IS A FUNNY CREATURE
IT MAKES A MAN A FOOL
IT TAKES AWAY HIS WORRIES
AND WEARS AWAY HIS TOOL.
WHEN MAN CLIMBS ON A WOMAN
HE HASN'T LONG TO STAY
HIS HEAD IS FULL OF NON-SENSE
HIS ASS IS FULL OF PLAY.
HE CLIMBS ON LIKE A LION
AND ROLLS OFF LIKE A LAMB
AND WHEN HE BUTTONS UP HIS PANTS
HE IS NOT WORTH A GOOD god DAMN.......

A stripper went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a
turkey drawn on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other.

When asked why she wanted that odd combination, she replied
"Everybody knows there is good eating
between Thanksgiving and Christmas."



G.B. Shaw once sent Winston Churchill some tickets for the
first night of one of his plays.

Churchill then sent Shaw a telegram to the effect:
"Cannot come first night. Will come second night if you have one."

Shaw promptly replied: "Here are two tickets for the second night.
Bring a friend if you have one."

A South American scientist from Argentina,
after a lengthy study, has discovered that people
with insufficient brain and sexual activity,
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.



THIS and THAT
<>
They call our language the mother tongue
because the father seldom get to use his.
><
What is the differance between Niagra and Viagra?
One goes up and the other goes down
><
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot.
I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid.
Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
><
 I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.
><
"Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
"What, I have lived with him for ten years and now
I should make him happy?"
><
Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."
><
My wife is always talking about a trip to Europe.
I have no objections.
I let her talk.
><
The family that sticks together should bathe more often.
><
My Wife Says I Never Listen,
Or Something Like That...
><
Love is photogenic;
it needs darkness to develop.
><
My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog
and the dog begins to bark.

As we age, our priorities change....
 
The other day Bob, age 57, came home and was greeted
by his wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and
holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
 
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
 
So, Bob tied her up and went golfing.

I ONLY HAD A COUPLE OF BEERS




GOLF JOKES

Winston Churchill:  "Golf is like chasing a quinine pill
around a cow pasture."
 
Jack Benny:  "Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner,
and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air
and the round of golf."
 
  Lee Trevino:  "You can make a lot of money in this game. 
Just ask my ex-wives. 
Both of them are so rich
that neither of their husbands works."
 
  Unknown:  "Golf is not a game, it's bondage. 
It was obviously devised by a man torn with guilt,
eager to atone for his sins."
 
  Babe Ruth:  "It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. 
I did it in one afternoon on the golf course."
 
  Lee Trevino:  "Columbus went around the world in 1492. 
That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course."
 
Lee Trevino:  "I'm not saying my golf game went bad ,
but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced."
 
  Sam Snead:  "These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter
over the ball and hit it with the shadow."
 
  Tommy Bolt:  "Players today throw their clubs backwards,
and that's wrong.  You should always throw a club ahead of you
so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it."
 
Tommy Bolt:  "Putting allows the touchy golfer
two to four opportunities to blow a gasket
in the short space of two to forty feet."


 
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed
someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned
to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty
face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased
the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in
larger letters this time, the word "penis" on the blackboard.
Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit,
but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and
proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the
classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each
day, written larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting
to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found
scrawled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!



Abe is walking down the street with his left hand on his hip,
elbow jutting out to one side. Morris stops him and says,

"So what's with the arm? Is there something I should know?"

Abe looks down in horror.
"OY VEY!! I lost the rye bread!"

"Facts Of Life"
<>
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.
-
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
-
Home is where you can say anything you like,
'cause nobody listens to you anyway.
-
I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.
-
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
-
It is when you stop believing in Santa Claus
that you start getting clothes for Christmas!
-
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect
just by standing up really fast."
-
Sign In Pet Store:
"Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."
-
Money can't buy happiness,
but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
-
I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
-
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.
-
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?
-
I see your IQ test results were negative.
-
Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them while driving.
-
When I was born, I was so surprised
I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
-
If G~d had intended for man to use the metric system,
Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
-
I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.
-
If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.
-
The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
-
I have learned there is little difference in husbands,
you might as well keep the first.
-
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade;
if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
-
Travel is very educational.
I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.



Scientists at Rutgers University have released
a study identifying the three phases of love.
 
They are: LUST, ATTRACTION and SUBPOENA.

 
". . ..Ah,er . . . Mr.Cox . . . it's about your team sponsorship . . ."

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on,
indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled,

"Who turned on the fucking lights!?"

"Oh, no, sir, " the nearest flight attendant replied.
"Those are the breakfast lights.
You slept through the 'fucking lights'."

      
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

 

 

HUNK

 

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore