NOTICE of VACATION TIME 
Months of JULY & AUGUST 2010

I WISH EVERYONE A GREAT SUMMER

Hope to see you all again in September

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Personal Announcement

I'm letting you know before you hear it from anyone else or through the
rumor mill. I have been contacted by a woman who alleges that I am the
father of her child. I do not know whether she wishes to substantiate this
by means of a DNA test; however, she has sent a photograph of the child,
which bears a very strong & undeniable resemblance.
 
 On the basis of this photographic evidence I have decided to begin paying
child support immediately
 
Please bear with me in this trying time.  
 

 

 

Why Islamists Wish to Build Mosque at WTC Site 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxFzFIDbKpg

Use your BACK button after viewing to return here for
 the rest of the page. 
DON'T GET X'd OFF SITE

THE OLD JEWISH COMICS

In this profane world of today, these people might starve. 
Does 'funny' really require profanity?  At least the broadcast
television routines of these comedians were usually devoid of profanity...
 
Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, Myron Cohen, Totie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Youngman, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman,  Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others.

And there was not one single swear word in their comedy.
Here are a few examples:

 
 * I just got  back from a pleasure trip. 
I took my mother-in-law to the  airport.

*  I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years!
If my wife ever  finds out, she'll kill  me!
 
* What are three words a woman never wants to hear
when she's making love?

"Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it.
The  thief spends less than my wife did. *

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she  shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we  spent our wedding  
night; only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My  wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the  Dead Sea .

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was  only for the  estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud  fell off.

*  I was just in London ; there is a 6-hour time difference.
I'm still  confused. When I go to dinner, 
I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel  hungry.

*  The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying,
"Mrs. Cohen, your check came  back."
"Mrs. Cohen answered,  "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" 
Patient: "I am 60!"
Doctor: "See!  What did I tell  you?"

* A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest.  The man asks,
"Doc, how do  I stand?"
"The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

*  Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, 
"You've been  brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* The  Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study  revealed that this is due
to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is NOT NOW.  

*There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. 
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from medical school.  

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?  
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.  

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?  
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes'.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!  

Q: What's a Jewish-American-Princess's favorite position?  
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.  

* A man called his mother in Florida , "Mom, how are you?"
 "Not too good," said the mother. "I've  been very weak."  
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why  haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth
to be filled with food if you should call."

* A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells
his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
"The mother scowls and says,
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a  speaking part."  

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?  
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.  

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to  change a light bulb?  
A: (Sigh) "Don't  bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want
to be a nuisance to anybody."  

* Short summary of every Jewish  holiday:  
They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

* Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a 
Jewish mother on the  street and said,
"Lady, I  haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she  replied.  

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?  
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.  

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?  
A: Because  Jewish women don't like anything
that isn't 20% off.

 
 
Whether you own a dog or not, you must  appreciate the efforts
of this owner to sell her dog.   Read the sales pitch below!

 
 Dog For Sale  
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed
him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers,
or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.  
Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name,
Ho Lee Schitt.



While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed 
a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years 
and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying 
                        a bathing suit so I sought my husband's advice.                             
                                 
'What do you think?' I asked..
'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'
    
He's still in intensive care.

 

Judge Judy to Prostitute:   
"When did you realize you were raped?" 

Prostitute (wiping away tears):  
"When the check  bounced." 
 
Soon, the American public are going to realize 
that the only difference between the Prostitute, 
President Obama and his Democratic Congress,
like ex President Bush and his vp Cheney is . . .
 that the Prostitute was honest!

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
 
His wife was really annoyed. She told him,
 
 "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes 
from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!
 
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
 
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure 
enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the 
driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out
 to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
 
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. 
Bob has been missing since Friday!

THE RABBI'S ADVICE (AN OLDIE, BUT GOODIE)

A man gets a notice to show up at the IRS office to answer
some questions about his last tax return.
His wife advises him to wear clothes with 
holes and his worn-out shoes.
"Make them think you're poor."

Then he goes and asks his lawyer how he should dress.  
"Don't let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit
and your sharpest tie!"

The guy is overwhelmed. With these two different opinions,
he still doesn't know how he should dress. As a last resort,
he goes to see his rabbi, explains his situation, the two
contradictory opinions, and asks him what he should do.
The rabbi answers: 
"A woman, on the verge of getting married,
asks her mother what she should wear on her 
wedding night.
'Wear a long flannel night shirt 
which buttons at the neck,'
she answers.

But when the bride-to-be asks the same question to her best friend,
she gets this answer: "Wear your sexiest nightie, the one
that's open down to your navel."

The guy interrupts the rabbi:
"But what does all this have to do with the IRS?"

The rabbi nods and says:
"Whatever you wear, you're gonna get screwed."

"Do you feel used?"

I was out with family and friends at a local pub,
and I really stuck my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the pub —and of
course we all joined in. I was doing quite well, proud
of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

The question was:

"Where do most women have curly hair?"

~

~

Apparently the answer is Africa.





A Frog Walks Into A Bank

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from 
her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 

"Miss Whack, I'd  like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." 

Patty looks at  the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog 
says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, 
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan 
with some collateral. 

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain 
elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. 

Very confused, Patty  explains that she'll have to consult with 
he bank manager and  disappears into a back office. 

She finds the manager and says, 
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there 
who claims to know you and wants to borrow 
$30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 
"I mean, what in the world is this?" 

(folks,  you're gonna luv this) 

The  bank manager looks back at her and says... 

"It's a  knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. 
His old man's a  Rolling Stone." 


(You're  singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you  are........) 
 Come on now, you grinned, I know you  did!!!

Halliburton Pours Money Into the Campaigns Of 
Congress Members Who Will Investigate Oil Spill. 
Gee -- I wonder why!

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED 
OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON

MAKING IT 'STIFF'

To make it stand,
You wet it !

To make it wet,
You suck it !

To make it stiff,
You lick it !

To get it in,
You push it!

Damn !

Threading a needle when you're
a senior citizen is a BITCH !!

     A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his 
father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

     His father said he'd  make a deal with his son:  'You bring your 
grades up from a C to  a B average, study your Bible a little, and get 
your hair cut.  Then we'll talk about the car.'

     The boy thought about  that for a moment, decided he'd settle for 
the offer, and they agreed  on it.

     After about  six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your 
grades up  and I've observed that you have been studying your 
Bible, but I'm  disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

     The boy said, 'You  know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and 
      I've noticed in my  studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, 
John the Baptist  had long hair, Moses had long hair...and
 there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
 
    To this his father  replied,

    'Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's 
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup. 

So she peels it off and starts screaming, 
'I've won a motor home!     
I've won a motor home!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible. 
The biggest prize is a free Lunch.' 

But the blonde keeps on screaming, 
I've won a motor home! 
I've won a motor home!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says, 
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. 
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home 
because we didn't have that as a prize. 

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake. 
I've won a motor home!'  

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads...
 
"W I N A B A G E L"



LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.
                 
LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is just a town in Pennsylvania.



I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled
it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it
lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and
easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards
of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. 

Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile,
the chairs, the table .. Everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb 
me and try to peck me even though I had fed them 
out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night and demanded 
that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch
anymore.  So I took down the bird feeder and in three days
the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down
the many nests they had built all over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .... quiet, serene....
and no one demanding their 'rights' to a free meal.

Now let's see. Our government gives out free food, 
subsidized housing, free medical care and free
education, and allows anyone born here to be 
an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.  
Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; 
small apartments are housing 5 families; you
have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency 
room doctor; your child's second grade class is 
behind other schools because over half the class 
doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and
people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are
squawking and screaming In the streets, 
demanding more rights and free liberties.

JUST MY OPINION, but maybe it's time for 
our government to take down the bird feeder! 

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
just continue cleaning up the poop!



Dear  Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man,
Love to forgive him, and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord,  if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to  death.

One  day my housework-challenged husband decided to
wash his Sweat Shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry  room, he shouted to me,

'What setting do I use on the  washing machine?'

'It depends.' I replied. 'What does  it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'New York Yankies.'

And they say blondes are  dumb!

A  couple are lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to  make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman  replies, 'I'll miss you...'



 Why do little boys whine?
They are practicing to  be men.



 What do you call a handcuffed man?
 Trustworthy.

 What does it mean when a man is in your bed
gasping for  breath and
calling your name?
You did not hold the pillow down long enough!



 Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the  toilet?
It helps them remember which end they need  to wipe.



 Florida stories
 


Getting old in Florida

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in 
Bonita Springs, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh sure I do.'

The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
'Who drives you to the beach?'

- -

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
in Ft. Lauderdale reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the
green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length
and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be
much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size
of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece..

The third old lady remarked,
'I can't hear a word you're saying, but
I remember the guy you're talking about.

- -

Two elderly people living in Ft. Myers , he was a widower and
she a widow, had known each other for a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper
in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances
at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her,
'Will you marry me?'

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered
'Yes.. Yes, I will!'

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges,
they went to their respective places.. Next morning, he was troubled.
'Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?'

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone
and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.. As he gained a little
more courage, he inquired, 'When I asked if you would marry me,
did you say ' Yes' or did you say 'No'?'

He was delighted to hear her say, 'Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will'
and I meant it with all my heart.' Then she continued,
'And I am so glad that you called, because
I couldn't remember who had asked me.'



A man was telling his neighbor in Miami ,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

- -

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream
parlor in Naples , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids'



This company had a real superior product in its butter substitute,
but the company went under one time when it received an order for
a million pounds of the stuff.     
Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing the product
and much of it was wasted. They weren't able to 
deliver in time. 
       The problem turned out to be that the company had
not allowed enough margarine for error. 

That one should prove I NEED A VACATION!

SUPPORT
BREAST CANCER AWARENESS