"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass....
it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

LADY'S YEARLY EXAM

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics.

"How much do you weigh?" she asked.  "135," I said.
The nurse put me on the scale.

It turns out my weight is 180.

The nurse asked, "Your height?"  "5 foot 4," I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5' 2"

She then took my blood pressure and told me that it was very high.

"Of course it's high!" I screamed, 'When I came in here I was
tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on Prozac.

What a bitch !

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.

"They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replies.

"Put them back!  We can't afford them," orders the wife.

They carry on shopping. A few aisles farther on the woman
picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband.

"Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife.

Her husband retorts, "So does 24 cans of Budweiser,
and it's half the price."
-
Cleanup on aisle 25:
We have a husband down!

The Irish Lass

As soon as she had finished parochial school, 
a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of
Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York
 where before long, she became a successful
performer in show business. 

Eventually she returned to her home town for a
visit and on a Saturday night went to confession
in the church which she had always attended
as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan
recognized her and began asking her about her work. 
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, 
and he wanted to know what that meant. 

She said she would be happy to show him the 
kind of thing she did on stage. 

She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of 
Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, 
leaping splits, handsprings and back flips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn,
were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's
acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: 

"Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is
  givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical
appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day
every kid had something.
 
The teacher asks Wendy, "What did you bring?"

"I brought a Walkman."

"And what is it for?"

"You can listen to music with it!"

"That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"

"I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"

"Well done, Kenny.
Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!"

"Yes, I did. It's in the hall."

So the entire class goes into the hallway.
"Johnny, what is that?"

"It's a heart/lung machine hospitals use
to keep your heart going."

"Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"

"He said . . .  

   The Bacon Tree

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into 
the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. 

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, 
when all of a sudden Luis says........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune,
& there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon,
back bacon, double smoked bacon ...
every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved.  Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't  forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of  a meerage
that smells like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets
to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind,
when suddenly a machine gun opens up,
and Luis drops like a wet sock. 

 Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree.  Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush...."

Scientists have revealed today that they have found
a new drug for depressed lesbians.
It's called Trydixagain.

 
It is the 
VETERAN, 
 not the preacher, 
 who has given us freedom of religion. 

It is 
the VETERAN, 
 not the reporter, 
  who has given us freedom of the press.

It is 
the VETERAN, 
 not the poet, 
who has given us freedom of speech.
   
It is 
the VETERAN, 
not the campus organizer, 
who has given us freedom to assemble. 

It is 
the VETERAN, 
 not the lawyer, 
who has given us the right to a fair trial. 

 

It is 
the VETERAN, 
 not the politician, 
Who has given us the right to vote. 
 
It is the 
VETERAN who 
salutes the Flag, 

 
  
It is 
the 
VETERAN
who serves 
under the Flag, 


 GRANT THEM ETERNAL REST O LORD, 
AND LET PERPETUAL LIGHT 
SHINE UPON THEM. 




FROM ENGLAND

Dear God,                                                                                                                                 

I know that I haven't talked to you that much
but last year you took away my favourite actor, Patrick Swayze,
my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett, my favourite musician,
Michael Jackson, and my favourite salesman, Billy Mayes.

I just wanted to let you know that
my favourite prime minister is David Cameron.



 World's Laziest Cat
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An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. 
The family drove wildly to  get him to the emergency room. 
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor
appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.  Sadly he said,

"I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

       "Oh, dear God!" his wife exclaimed, her hands
clasped against her cheeks with shock. 

"Wouldn't you know it!  We've never had a
Republican in the family before!"

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle.
While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post.
Thinking it was for that night's dinner he slaughtered the sheep,
and cooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all
sulking and ignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked,

..."Did I screw up the cooking"

"No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."



NEW STANLEY TAPE MEASURE

Stanley has just released a new tape measure that
will surely take the industry by storm!!!

While at first look it seems like a regular tape measure,
the finite measurement capability is unmatched by any other
tape measure ever made (See Below).

So the next time your buddy tells you to
"move it a cunthair to the left",
you won't have to guess!

"At  Stanley , we wanna help you do things right!



The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters
when the phone rang.  He listened intently, and after
a moment his face brightened.

       When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother
to tell her the good news. 
"Ma," he shouted, "the results are in!  I won the election!"

       "Honestly?"

       The politician's smiled faded. 
"Aw, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"

A schoolteacher asks kindergarten students,
"What kind of medicines do you know and
what are they used for?"

       First pupil:  "Tylenol."

       Teacher:  "Very good!  And what is it used for?"

       Pupil: "It is used for headaches."

       Second pupil: "Nytol, Teacher"

       Teacher:  "Excellent!  And what it is used for?"

       Pupil: "To help you sleep"

       Now it is Johnny's turn and he says: 
"Viagra."

       Teacher, slightly shocked, asks
"Johnny, what do you think is it used for?"

       Johnny:  "It can be used for diarrhea!"

       Teacher:  "Who told you this?"

       Johnny:  "Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,
'Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder!"



A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. 
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. 
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees 
flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, 
the bees flew out.

'Try it now,' said one bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 
'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?

The bee answered,

 

 

How bad is the economy?

It's so bad women are having sex with men
because they can't afford batteries!!!!



As You Slide Down the Banister of Life in 2010 - Remember 
Maxine's Words of Wisdom



. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written 
An impressive new book. It's called ........ 
'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink 
And be Mary.. 

. The difference between the Pope and 
Your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring. 

. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash
and it is gone. 

. The only time the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom. 

. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. 
The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,
well, it really chilled the mood. 

. It used to be only death and taxes.  Now, of course,
there's shipping and handling, too.

. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out,
gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house. 

. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines
and a large trash can.

. Definition of a teenager? 
God's punishment . . . For enjoying sex. 

As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters
never point the wrong way! 

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BREAST CANCER AWARENESS