|
Just
checking to see
if you are at your computer
Yep,
you are!
There
was this couple that had been married for
20 years.
Every time they made love the
husband always insisted
on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this
was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of
this crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the
middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the
lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was
holding
a battery-operated leisure device... a
vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real
one.
She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She
screamed at him,
"how could you be lying to me all of
these years?
You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes
and says calmly:
"I'll
explain the toy . . .
you
explain the kids."
Jim
finds himself seated next to a cute
blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his
move.
"You
know, I've heard that flights will go
quicker if you strike up
a conversation with
a fellow passenger. So let's talk."
Barbie,
who had just opened her book,
closes it slowly and says to Jim,
"What
would you like to discuss?"
"Oh,
I don't know, how about nuclear
power?"
"OK,
that could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the
same stuff - grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the
cow turns out a flat patty,
and the horse produces muffins of dried
poop.
Why do you suppose that is?"
Jim
is dumbfounded. "I haven't the
slightest idea."
"So
tell me, how is it that you feel qualified
to discuss nuclear power
when
you don't know shit?"
MALE
MAMMOGRAM
A drunk gets up from
the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few
minutes
later, a loud, blood curdling scream is
heard from the
bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud
scream
reverberates through the bar. The
bartender goes into the
bathroom to investigate why the drunk is
screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in
there?
You're
scaring the customers!"
"I'm
just sitting here on the toilet and
every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell
out of my testicles."
With that, the bartender opens the
door, looks in
and
says...
"You idiot! You're sitting on the
mop bucket!"
"Humans
are the only animals
who have children on purpose
with
the exception of guppies,
who like to eat theirs."
Dick
Cheney is briefing George Bush in the
Oval Office.
"Oh and finally, sir, five Brazilian
soldiers were killed in Iraq
today."
Bush
goes pale, his jaw hanging open in
stunned disbelief.
He buries his face in his hands,
muttering "My God...My God".
"Mr. President," says
Cheney, "we lose soldiers all the
time, and it's
terrible, but I've never seen you so
upset. What's the matter?"
Bush looks up and says,
"How
many is a Brazilian"?
An
Arkansas cowboy walks into the dentist's
office
and after an examination the
dentist says, "That
tooth has to come out. I'm going
to give you a shot
of Novocain and I'll be back in a
few minutes."
The cowboy grabs the doc's
arm and says, "No way.
I hate needles I'm not having any
shot!"
So the dentist says, "Okay,
we'll have to go with gas."
The cowboy replies,
"Absolutely not. It makes me
very sick for a couple of days. I'm not
having gas."
So the dentist steps out and comes back
with a glass of water,
"Here,"
he says, "Take this pill."
The cowboy asks, "What is it?"
The doc replies, "Viagra."
The cowboy looks surprised and ask,
"Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replies the dentist,
"but it will give you
something to hold on to while I pull the
tooth."
Four
Perfect Animals!
A
little old lady told a friend of mine
the other day when they were standing
in
line together that all she had ever
wanted to have in life was four animals.
My
friend who has a large dog and a big
heart for strays said,
"Oh
really, what kind of animals did you
want?
The
little old lady said "A mink on my
back, a Jaguar in the garage,
a
tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for
all of it."
Well,
It must be SOMEBODY'S birthday !
Dave
is browsing in a pet shop and sees a
parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.
"Jeeps",
he wonders aloud. "Whatever
happened to this parrot?"
The
parrot says,"I was born this way. I
am a defective parrot."
"Sheesh"
Dave replies. "You actually
answered me! Oh boy!
"Of
course. I happen to be a highly
intelligent bird
and thoroughly educated as well."
"Oh
yeah? Then how do you hang onto
your perch without any feet?"
"This
is so embarrassing" the parrot
says.
"But since you ask, I wrap my
weenie around
the
wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my
feathers."
"Wow"
says Dave. "You really can
understand
and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually
I speak both Spanish and English."
I listen to the radio and I can converse
on
almost any topic.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be
a great companion."
Dave
looked at the price tag $2000 and knew
he couldn't afford that.
But
the parrot said
"I'm defective, no one wants me, so
offer $50"
Dave
did and was delighted to walk out with
the parrot.
Weeks
go by. The parrot is sensational, he has
a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, delightful and
a great pal.
Dave
comes home from work one night and the
parrot whispers in his ear.
"I
don't know if I should tell you this but
it is about your wife and the
postman."
"What
the heck are you talking about?"
demands Dave.
"When
the postman delivered the mail today,
your wife
greeted him at the door in her best
sexy nightie."
"WHAT???"
Dave asked. "THEN what
happened?"
"Well,
the postman came right into the house,
lifted up her nightie
and began petting her all over."
reported the parrot.
"NO!"
Dave exclaimed. "And she let
him?"
"Yes.
Then he continued taking off her nightie
and began to kiss her all over".
Dave,
the poor frantic guy demanded "THEN
WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Dammed
if I know. I got a hard on and
fell off my perch!"
Time
to pack it up.
See
you in July
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