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Many
thanks to all and special thanks to
AngOBri,
Trish, Tootsie, Ginni128
for contributing to the content
of today's page.
Lady Lynx
"Start
every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
"Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad,
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get
back!"
A farmer asked a friend to recommend an
attorney to
defend him against a charge of bestiality.
"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow
said, "but he's expensive
and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another
lawyer,"
he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer,
but he's cheap
and really knows how to pick a jury."
The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but
immediately
had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor,
began his testimony....
"I saw Jed mount his sheep from behind,"
he said,
"and when he was finished, I saw the sheep turn
around and lick Jed's pecker."
The accused farmer was devastated and
had all but given up hope until a juror in overalls
whispered to the fellow next to him,
"You know, a good sheep will do that."
I accompanied my granddaughter to church with her mother
for the first time. The A/C wasn't operating as well as it
should have
and it wasn't long before the little darling
began to complain of feeling ill.
"Mom," she whispered, "I think I'm going to
throw up."
"Go out the front door," her mother instructed,
"then walk to the back of the church and do it behind
the bushes.
I'll be out shortly."
A few minutes later, just as I was about to check on her,
she returned.
When I asked her if she felt better, she replied.
"Yes, grampa, but I didn't have to go into the bushes
behind the church like Mom said.
They have a box next to the front door that has a sign
that says FOR THE SICK."
Sign
of The Times
A
lady answered her front door to find a
plumber standing there.
"I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he
announced.
"I
didn't call a plumber," said the lady.
"What?"
huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"
The
Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago."
"How
do you like that?" grunted the plumber.
"They call you up and tell you it's an
emergency
and then they move away!"
Mrs. O'Malley arrives in Boston from Ireland,
and in no time at all her bean soup has made her
the talk of New England society.
At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe to a
fancy Charles Street
restaurant, an old matron goes up to Mrs. O'Malley and
says,
"My dear girl, what is the secret of your
soup?"
Mrs. O'Malley says, "The secret to me soup is
that I use
but two-hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."
The woman says,
"How come only two-hundred thirty-nine?"
Mrs. O'Malley says,
"Because one more would make it too farty."
One fellow really thought his marriage was secure.
But a week or so after he moved to Dallas from Kansas
City,
he noticed he had the same mailman and newspaperman.
A
magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was
different
each week so the magician did the same tricks over and
over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the
shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of
the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or "Look,
he's hiding the flowers under the table!"
or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of
spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything.
It was, after all, the captain's parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship
unfortunately sank,
drowning almost all who were on board. The magician
luckily
found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of
the sea with, and as fate would have it, with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a
word.
This went on for a day... two days... and then three
days.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back
any longer and said...
"Okay, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen
shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy.
There was some kind of wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current,
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood,
breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening
to his Walkman.
SAYINGS
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.
Always be sincere, even when you don't mean it. - Irene
Peter
Always remember no matter where you go, there you are.
Ambition is the last refuge of the failure.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Any fool can criticize, condemn, & complain. And most
do.
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing
can't do any of them well.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee,
the airline encounters turbulence.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bigamy : one husband too many. Monogamy : same thing.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Choose heaven for climate, hell for society.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices
acquired by
age 18.
Albert Einstein
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected
become the expected?
Don't be so open-minded your brains will fall out.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids
the metric system.
Efficiency takes time! Frugality: who can afford it?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite
criticism.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phone less cord.
Forgive your enemies...but REMEMBER THEIR NAMES!
Friends come and go, enemies accumulate.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Gravity doesn't exist. The Earth sucks.
Grow your own dope... plant a man.
Gun control is being able to hit your target!
He who hesitates is probably right.
What kind of sign does a prostitute hang on her door
when she goes on vacation?
'Go Fuck Yourself.'
One-Liners
I'm not afraid of dying. I just don't want to be there
when it happens.
I'm writing a book about the recession.
It starts with Chapter 11.
I'm getting so absent minded that sometimes
in the middle of a sentence I
I'm having a problem with split hair. Mine split
years ago.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Rule of Life
The Lion, when it wakes up in the morning,
knows it has to run faster than the
slowest Gazelle...or it will starve.
The Gazelle, when it wakes up in the morning,
knows it has to run faster than the
quickest Lion...or it will be eaten.
So whether you are the hunter, or the hunted,
when you wake up in the morning...
start running!
Roger and Charlie emerged from he clubhouse to tee off
at the first hole, but Roger looked distracted.
“Anything the matter?” Charlie asked.
“Na, it’s just that I can’t stand the club pro,”
Roger replied.
“He’s just been trying to correct my stance.”
“He’s only trying to help your game,” Charlie
soothed.
“Yeah, but I was using the urinal at the time.”
THE
GOLD WATCH
A
boss to a retiree:
"As
a symbol of our gratitude,
we
have created this special gold watch
to
serve as a reminder of your many years
with
the company.
It
needs a lot of winding up,
is
always a little late,
and
every day at quarter to five,
it
stops working."
What Is A Veteran?
A 'Veteran' -- whether active duty, discharged, retired,
or reserve -- is someone who, at one point in his life,
wrote a blank check made payable to
'The United States of America', for an amount of 'up to,
and including his life'.
That is honor, and there
are way too many people in this country today,
who no longer understand that fact!
We
All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to November.
Keep Informed.
Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE
your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be
kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power,
the world will know peace."
Jimi
Hendrix
AMERICA
The Land of The FREE
Because of The BRAVE
"
WOW "
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