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Old Comics!!!

You may remember the old Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz.,
Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Toodie Fields, Milton Berle, 
Henny Youngman, and others. 
You've probably heard of them before,
but don't you miss their humor?
AND . . .
Not one single swear word in their comedy.
 
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel
room door all night! I finally had to let her out.
-
  A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,
"Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good  living."
-
   I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
-
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!
-
   What are three words a woman never wants to hear
when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"
-
   Someone stole all my credit  cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife  did.
-
  I always hold my wife's hands.
If I let go, she shops.
-
   My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
-
  My wife and I went to a hotel  where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.
-
  She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
-
  I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference.
I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy.
When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
-
  The doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so
the doctor gave him another six months.
-
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen  saying,
"Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." 
Mrs. Cohen answered,
"So did my arthritis!"
-
  Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor:  "See! What did I tell you?"
-
   A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor  says,
"That's what puzzles me!"
-
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
-
   A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
-
  A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know!
You're the one that's working!"
-
   Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
-
  I wish my brother would learn a trade,
so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

At a session with a marriage counselor, 
the wife snapped at her husband:

"That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"

Then, turning to the counselor, she explained:

"But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"



One night a man has a dream that he died and went to heaven.
He sat next to another man on a bench and began talking.
Before long a beautiful redhead walks by.
"Man, I'd sure like to fuck that!"

"This is heaven, just take her behind the white cloud."
His new friend replied.

So he takes her behind the cloud and has the best lay of his life. 
When he gets back to the bench he begins to tell the man all about it.

Then another hot lady walks by.
"Geez, I'd love to bang that!"

"Fine, just take her behind the white cloud."
He does, and returns back to the bench.

Another ten minutes goes by and another lady walks by.
"Excuse me for a moment, I have to get her!"

"OK, just remember to go behind the white cloud."
He gets back and sets down.

"This is great! But I really have to take a shit!"

"Go behind the white cloud" the guy replies.
He gets up and does a number.

"What do I wipe with?"

"Just use some of the white cloud" The man yells back.

Morning comes and the guy walks downstairs 
where his wife has made him breakfast.

"I had the wildest dream last night!" He says to his wife.

"You're telling me!  You fucked me three times, shit on the pillow, 
and wiped your ass with the sheets!"

COWBOYS sure know how 
to put words on a piece of paper.

  I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

  It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night
That Chewed Your Ass Out All Day Long

  If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life,
Then Number Two On You
 
  If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

  How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

I Liked You Better Before I Got To Know You So Well

  I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better

  I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

  I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

  I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

  If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, 
I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

  My wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

  She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger

  You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

  Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Were Pure

She's Looking Better After Every Beer

  I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, 
But I've Sure Woke Up  With  A Few



A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to 
a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you 
mind if I ask you a personal question?" 

"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, 
"But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway..." 

"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, 
"How many men have you slept with?" 

"That's my business!" snapped the woman. 

"Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realize 
you made a living at it!

click anywhere Birthday Calendar 
It tells you how many hours and how many seconds 
you have been alive on this earth and when you 
were probably conceived. Then, click again, and see 
what the moon looked like the night you were born. 
Who says our time clocks aren't ticking.

A Mexican from El Paso found himself in Lubbock and decided 
to approach a prostitute down on 17th and R.
He asked her, "How much do you charge for the hour?"

"$100," she replied. 

"Do you do Messican-style?" he asked.

Not knowing exactly what this was, she refused.
He tried to sweeten the deal and said, 

"I'll pay you $300 to do it Messiccan-style."

Again she declined. 

Being the persistent type, he laid down a final offer. 

"I'll give you $500 to go Messican-style with me!  What do you say?"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for 
over ten years now.  I've been there and done that, and had 
every kind of request from weirdos from all over the world.  
How kinky could Messican-style be?" 

After an hour of every possible way 
and position, she turned to him and said, 

"That was fantastic, but I was expecting 
something perverted and disgusting.  
Where does the 'Messican-style' come in?"

The Mexican popped a can of beer and replied,
"I pay you next Wednesday when I get my check."


 
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" 
while we  are in bed. I turned to her and said, 
"Do you want to have sex?" 

 "No." She answered. 
 I then said, "Is that your final answer?" 

 Yes." She replied. 

 Then I said, " I'd like to phone a friend." 

   That's the last thing I remember. 

"Gag reflex - normal."

QUOTES
Christopher Morley

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life. 
- 
Big shots are only little shots who keep shooting. 
- 
God made man merely to hear some praise 
of what he'd done on those Five Days. 
- 
Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, 
are best relieved by the letting of a little water. 
- 
High heels were invented by a woman 
who had been kissed on the forehead. 
- 
If we discovered that we only had five minutes left 
to say all that we wanted to say, every telephone booth 
would be occupied by people calling other people 
to stammer that they loved them. 
- 
In every man's heart there is a secret nerve 
that answers to the vibrations of beauty. 
- 
Lots of times you have to pretend to 
join a parade in which you're not really 
interested in order to get where you're going. 
- 
New York, the nation's thyroid gland. 
- 
Only the sinner has the right to preach. 
- 
The enemies of the future are always the very nicest people. 
- 
The misfortunes hardest to bear are these which never came. 
- 
There are three ingredients in the good life:
learning, earning and yearning. 
- 
There is only one rule for being a good talker - learn to listen. 



A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. 
The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. 
The gang was very happy to escape. 

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. 
"We got $25 between us." 

The boss screamed:
"I warned you to stay clear of lawyers... 
we had $100 when we broke in!"

Florida - Earthquake Warning

The only people who listen to both sides
of an argument are the neighbors.
<>
Why is it the loudest snorer is always
the first one to get to sleep.
<>
Frustration is trying to find your glasses
without your glasses.
<>
Life is really like a shower. One wrong
turn and you're in hot water.
<>
They who are afraid to ask are ashamed
of learning.
<>
It's easy enough to spot the winners.
They're the ones not complaining about the rules.
<>
A pedestrian is a man whose son is home
from college.
<>
It's scary when you start making the same
noises as your coffee-maker.
<>
The worst thing about history is that, every
time it repeats itself . . . the price goes up.
<>
We want all machines to be perfect,
with the exception of the bathroom scale.



Two guys strike up a conversation at the local pub...

One guy says to the other, "Last week I took the first step
towards getting divorced."

"Did you see a lawyer?" asks the second guy.

"No," replies the first, "I got married."



Panting and perspiring, a man and a beautiful blonde woman
on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill...

"THAT was a steep climb," said the man.

"It certainly was," replied the woman. "If I hadn't kept the brake on,
we would have slid down backward for sure."

A win win win situation

Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
Take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans.
Put the Florida alligators in the moat.

Any other problems you wish solved today ?

      
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

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On The Jersey Shore