Many thanks to all and special thanks to
AngOBri, Trish, Tootsie,  Philalakes, Terrygray11
MRuss74101, Perilpurple
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

"Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, 
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back!"

Japanese eat very little fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.

  Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.

  Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.

  Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.

  Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer
fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you,
but the Government is trying to correct the problem. lol



"Wow . . that's great Les. . 
Even at 69 you get a boner when dancing!"

A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers.
The little boy  says,
"Please be quiet, sir.
My mother is a prostitute and works all  night.
She sleeps during the day"

The salesman scratches his head and  says,
"Well, I'll be a son of a bitch"

The little boy replies, "I'm a  bastard myself,
but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells
and  telling them about it."



Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said,

"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand
in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to
put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in,

"Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs
and can't remember whether I was on my way up
or on my way down."

The third one responded,

"Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!"
as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them,

"That must be the door, I'll get it!"





If pictures of missing children are put on MILK CARTONS.
shouldn't pictures of missing husbands be put on BEER BOTTLES
and the pictures of missing transvestites be put on
the side of HALF & HALF CONTAINERS?



Why did the hillbilly cross the road?

His dick was stuck in a chicken.



A  New York  Love Story...
 
A beautiful young blond, New York woman, was so depressed that
she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
 
But just before she could throw herself from the docks,
a handsome young man stopped her.
 
"You have so much to live for," said the man.
"Look, I'm a sailor, and we're off to Europe tomorrow,
and I can stow you away on my ship.  I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
 
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had
always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted.
 
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches
and make love to her until dawn.
 
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain
during a routine inspection.
 
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
 
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food daily and I get a free trip to Europe!
Plus he's screwing me every night."
 
"He certainly is," replied the captain.
"This is the Staten Island Ferry."





"I never slept with a man until I married your father,"
declared the stern mother to her wild young daughter.
"Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?"

"Yes," replied the girl,
"but not with such a straight face."



IF MEN GOT PREGNANT ...

* Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.

* There would be a cure for stretch marks.

* Natural childbirth would become obsolete.

* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1
health problem.

* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

* Men would be eager to talk about commitment.

* They wouldn't think twins were so cute.

* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00pm.

* Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.

* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

* They would stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.

* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as
main entrees.

* Women would rule the world.

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine...
and those who don't.
  
As Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom,
in water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,
at the end of the year we would have absorbed more
than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria  found in feces.
In other words,
we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. 

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol
has to go through a purification process of boiling,
filtering and/or fermenting.

Remember: Water = Poop,   Wine = Health.

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid,
than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for
this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service.



I just read an article on the dangers of HEAVY DRINKING ....

It scared the shit out of me.  So that's it!

After today, no more READING !

 Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet,
he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, 'I don't think you should take one Dad;
they're very strong and very expensive.'

'How much?' asked Grandpa.

'$10.00 a pill,' answered the son.

'I don't care,' said Grandpa, 'I'd still like to try one,
and before we leave in the morning,
I'll put the money under the pillow.'

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00
under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said,
'I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.

'I know,' said Grandpa. The $10 is from me.
'The hundred is from Grandma!'



"No need to be embarrassed. Since
I'm a doctor, your warm, lush, full body 
doesn't bother me a bit."


The mistress of a big English house called her Irish maid
and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano.

"Mary," she said,
"I could write my name in this dust".

Mary responded,
"My, isn't education a grand thing, ma'am!"

If Russia was to attack Turkey from the rear, 
would Greece help?



A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a cup of coffee
in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While they were sitting at
a booth near the counter sipping their coffee, a local cowboy
stumbles in and heads for the closest stool at the counter.

As he lifts his leg over the stool, he cuts one of the loudest farts
ever heard by a human. The tourist jumps up and yells,
'Sir, how dare you fart before my wife!'

The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says,
'I'm awful sorry ma'am... I didn't know we was a takin' turns.'



WITTICISMS

Lord Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes
his brains go to his head.
Margot Asquith
 
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.
   Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for
sixteen hardened criminals.
         Ronnie Corbett

They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know
if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon,
but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
         Billie Holliday
 
ON LITERATURE
   This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.
It should be thrown with great force.
Dorothy Parker
 
Living in a vacuum sucks.
Adrienne E. Gusoff
 
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
 
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
 
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters
from a kick in the pants.

A kleptomanaic is a person who helps himself
because he can't help himself.
 
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,
a bank robbery has just taken place.
         Johnny Carson
 
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial
   service called Jump-In-The-Box.
         Wil Shriner

Adultery - Two wrong people doing the right thing.

There's nothing wrong with you
that reincarnation won't cure.
Jack E Leonard

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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