"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass....
it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

Pronounced 'fooking'. 
The little hamlet of Fucking, Austria, is named after the man 
who founded the village in the 6th century. 
His name? Focko.

Another sign on a different street.
NOT SO FAST


NOW YOU CAN FORWARD THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS 
WHO KNOW NOTHING ABOUT Fucking!



" The Truth Will Out "


A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says,  
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to 
when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, 
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know
that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, 
you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers 
pass their handguns down through the Family


An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.. 
" Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my 
chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How  about you leave me 
your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da 
business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, 
a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos "

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe 
finda you wife inna bed with another man...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 
'Time's Up'?

 

Walking can add minutes to your life. 
This enables you at 85 years old to spend
an additional 5 months in a nursing home 
at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking 
five miles a day when he was 60. 
Now he's 97 years old and we
don't know where the hell he is. 

I like long walks, 
especially when they are taken 
by people who annoy me. 

The only reason I would take up walking 
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, 
before my brain figures out what I'm doing. 

I joined a health club last year ... 
spent about 400 bucks. 
Haven't lost a pound. 
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', 
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, 
but fortunately my stomach covers them..

The advantage of exercising every day 
is so when you die, they'll say, 
....'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, 
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,........ 
..... just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older, 
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

.... and 

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, 
I just find a Happy Hour, and by the time I leave, 
I look just fine. 



Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and 
most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. 
Mick, the bartender says,

"You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. 
He falls flat on his face.

"Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. 
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. 
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that 
if he can just get to the door and some fresh air 
he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door 
and shimmies up the door frame. 
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air,
feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. 
He falls flat on his face.

"I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house 
just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and 
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door 
and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way".
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 
"I can make it to the bed." He takes step into the room 
and falls flat on his face. He says 
"Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jessie, comes into the room 
carrying a cup of coffee and says, 

"Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jessie. I was fockin' pissed. 
But how'd you know?"

"Mick called....You left your wheelchair at the pub again."

POOR AINSLEY HARRIOTT
An actual magazine AD 
that didn't last long!
Read last line.

A guy walks into an opticians with a 12" turd in a carrier bag.
The Optician says, 

"I am an eye specialist not a gastric doctor"

The guy replies "I know that but every time 
I drop one of these my eyes water!!"

Confucius say, 

"If you are in a book store and cannot find 
the book for which you search, 
you are obviously in the . . . 

 
  


Finkelstein and Jesus

Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided 
that he really needed a new robe.

After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for 
Finkelstein, the Tailor...

So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements 
to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. 
A few days later, when the robe was finished, 
Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!

He asked how much he owed.

Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the 
Son of God there's no charge!

However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever 
you give a sermon, perhaps you could just 
mention that your nice new robe was made 
by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"

Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled 
the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever 
he spoke to the masses.

A few months later, while Jesus was again walking 
through Jerusalem , he happened to walk past 
Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of 
people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.

He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him 
and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: 
"Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done 
for my business! Would you 
consider a partnership?"

"Certainly," replied Jesus.

"Jesus & Finkelstein it is."

"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.

"Finkelstein & Jesus.
After all, I am the craftsman."

The two of them debated this for some time.

Their discussion was long and spirited, 
but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally 
came up with a mutually acceptable 
compromise.. A few days later,
the new sign went up over
Finkelstein's shop:




 
A man watching a football game on TV kept switching 
channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game,"

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.   
"You already know how to play football!"



Two gay guys are in a bathroom 
using the urinals. 

One of them looks at the other one's penis and 
notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other guy and says, 

'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on 
your arm or shoulder, not your penis..'

The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. 
I'm down to two butts a day.' 



Ole was out enjoying a nice morning of duck hunting 
when he decided to  take a leak. He walked over 
to a tree and propped up his shotgun. 
Just then a gust of wind blew, the 
gun fell over and discharged 
shooting him in the genitals.
 
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, 
he was approached by the doctor, who said, 

"Well Sir I have some good news and some 
bad news. The good news is that you're going to be okay. 
The damage was local to your groin. There was very little 
internal damage and we were able to remove all the 
buckshot. The bad news is that there  
was some pretty intensive buckshot 
damage done to your penis. 
I'm going to  have to refer you 
to my sister." 
 
"Vell, Ay guess dat isn't too bad," Ole replied. 
"Iss yewr sister von of  dem plastic surgeons?" 
 
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a 
flute player in the Minneapolis Symphony.
She's going to teach you where to put your
fingers so you don't pee in your eye."





Stop talking on Cell phones and Texting while  trying 
to drive. The life you save may be your own..... or mine...  

Embrace Life
Amazing what can be said without words
click above
http://embracethis.co.uk/

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HOLY HUMOR

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 

'I know what the Bible means!'  
 
His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, 
you 'know' what the Bible means?
 
The son replied, 'I do know!'
 
'Okay,' said his father.  'What does the Bible mean?'
 
'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,

' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'



There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old 
family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
 
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
 
'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to 
an Amish carriage.  The owner of the carriage 
obviously had a sense of humor, because attached 
to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

 'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. 
Caution: Do not step in exhaust.' 

Tony, the Italian milkman, had a door-to-door delivery service.  
A lady called down from her apartment, 

"Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of milk."

       "What apartment, lady?"

       She said, "4 Q."

       Tony said, "4 Q too, lady!"

A newly elected Senator was talking to the press one day.   

"Senator," asked one of the correspondents from England, 
"how do you think you will make out on Foreign Affairs?"

       The Senator scratched his chin, got a confused look, 
 quickly replaced by a smile on his face, and said,
  
"Sir, I do not know how I will handle Foreign Affairs.    
I've always had pretty good luck with the women 
right here in the good old U.S. of A.!"

 

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