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Our company has always had a problem with interoffice
communications. For instance, last week
the Personnel Department sent around
a memo on sexual harassment.

Three people initialed it and six people signed up for it.

 

Some idiot walks into a bar
with a pile of shit in his hands and says,
"Look  what I almost stepped in!"

 


A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 221."

 

"You seem to have a cracked vertebrae," the Emergency
Room doctor told the high-school-aged boy.
"What happened?"

"Well, you see," the teenager replied, "I was kissing
my girl good-night and damned if her brother didn't come
out the door and step right in the middle of my back!"


 


An 80 year-old women was arrested for shop lifting.
When she went before the judge he asked her,

"What did you steal?"

She replied, a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them, and she replied
that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches
were in the can. She replied that there were six.
The judge then said,

"I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment
the women's husband spoke up and asked the judge
if he could say something.
The judge said,

"What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

 

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
  Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe
and went to the door.
  A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

  The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe,
and the man started for the door again. He took one step,
slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against
the hard porcelain bathtub.

  Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes
and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.
  After examining him, the doctor said,

"You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken.
But you need to relax...
Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

 

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every
bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8. Your home thermostat doesn't seem to be cooling . . .
no matter what it's set on.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

 

The teacher asked her young student,
"What did your mother do yesterday morning. Vicky?"

"She done her shopping, ma'am," replied Vicky.

'Done' her shopping, Vicky?
Where's your grammar?" said the teacher.

"She done her shopping as well, ma'am," said the child.

  






I play golf in the low 80's,''
the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.

''Wow,'' said the young man, ''that's pretty impressive.''

''Not really,'' said the little old man.
''Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke.''

 

ZEN SARCASM

- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me either.
Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

- The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

- It's always darkest before dawn.  So if you're going to steal your
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

- Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

- Always remember that you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

- If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away
and you have their shoes.

- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish,
and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.

- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

- Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

- A closed mouth gathers no foot.

- Duct tape is like 'The Force'.  It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.

- There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your lips are moving.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- Never miss a good chance to shut up.

- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.


 
Burma Shave Signs
>><<
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER  THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
><
SHE  KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND  JAKE
Burma Shave
><

Remember these? For those who never saw any of the
Burma Shave signs, here is a quick lesson in our history of the
1930's and  '40's. Before there were interstates, when everyone
drove the old 2 lane roads,  Burma Shave signs would be posted
all over the countryside in farmers'
fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five
signs,  about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line
couplet......and the  obligatory 5th sign advertising
Burma Shave
a popular shaving cream. Here  are more
of the actual signs:

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A  MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
><
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT 
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
><
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL  TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
><
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER  RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND MORE STEER
Burma Shave
><
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE  SPOT
Burma Shave
><
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A  WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
><
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
><
NO  MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
><
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT  THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
><
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH  WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
><
BOTH  HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S  CODE
Burma Shave
><
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN  DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
><
CAR IN  DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
><
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT  SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
><
Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.

  

   
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

HUNK

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore