Many thanks to all and special thanks to
AngOBri, Trish, Tootsie,  Philalakes, ewalds8131, 
Ginni128,  SlingoGMa, MRuss74101, Terrygray11
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

"Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, 
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back!"

TEN PUNS
"The usually humorous use of a word in such a way
as to suggest two or more of its meanings or the meaning
of another word similar in sound."

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
  raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry,
  gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
- -
  Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to
  Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed
  behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.
  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of
  two weevils.
  - -
  Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit
  fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
  your kayak and heat it, too.
- -
  A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He
  slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man
  who shot my paw."
   - -
  Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
  during a root canal?
  He wanted to transcend dental medication.
 - -
  A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
  standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
  victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of
  the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they
  asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
  chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
- -
  A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One
  of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth
  mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband
  and that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
  husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan,
  you've seen Ahmal."
- -
  These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
  opened small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked
  to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across
  town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good
  fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and
  begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
  florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
  thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
  friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
  close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that
  Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
- -
  Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the
  time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with
  his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a
  super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- -
  And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns
  to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would
  make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a
heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist.

After listening politely for over a half-hour on
how  thankful he should be to have been spared, and
how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins
had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.

The patient responded,
"Don't be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!"





THOSE born 1920-1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930's, 40's, 50's,
60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked
and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can,
and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies
in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets
and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention,
as infants &children, we would ride in cars with no car seats,
booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always
a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends,
from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank
Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day,
as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.
to solve the problem.

We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo's, X-boxes,
no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable,
no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's,
no cell phones, no personal computers,
no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth
and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms
did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,
made up games with sticks and tennis balls and,
although we were told it would happen,
we did not poke out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked
on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was
unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best
risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! 
The past 50 years have been an explosion of
innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility,
and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who
have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers
and the government regulated so much of our lives
 for our own good .

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know
how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house
with scissors, doesn't it?

The quote of the month is by Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides,
flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country
from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu
and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time
to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

For those that prefer to think that God is not watching over us...
go ahead and delete this.

For the rest of us...pass this ON!





IRISH SMILES

Definition of an Irish husband:
He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years,
but he will kill any man who does.
-
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks Murphy's very lucky because
his own wife makes him walk.
- 
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight
so often among themselves is that they're always
assured of having a worthy opponent.
-
An American lawyer asked: "Paddy, why is it that
whenever you ask an Irishman a question,
he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.
-
Question - Why are Irish Jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
-
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.
The jury foreman came out and announced,
'Not guilty.'
'That's grand!' shouted Reilly.
'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
-
Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?'
Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
-
Mrs.. Feeney shouted from the kitchen,
'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'

' No,' said himself, 'but I'm getting closer all the time.'
-
'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you
improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!'
-
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night
on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
-
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine
giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in
to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?







Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid
to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks,
one turned to the other and said:
"Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?"

The other answered:
"Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with!"

IRS Rebate Check
 
As you may have heard, many Americans will be receiving a
tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.
 
If we spend that money at WalMart, all the money will go to China.
 
If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
 
If we purchase a computer it will go to India.
 
If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Mexico,
Honduras and Guatemala.

If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
 
If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan.
 
NONE OF THAT WILL HELP THE AMERICAN ECONOMY!!!!
 
We need to keep that money here in America!!
 
The only way to keep that money here in the States is to
 
spend it at YARD SALES!!

Those are the only businesses still in the USA!!
That's only due to the last 8 years of the lies and
'misdirection' of our 'leaders'.
Let's all of us VOTE more intelligently this time around . . .
even if we have to hold our nose while doing it!




BUMPER STICKERS

A  fool and his money are a girl’s best friend.

My karma ran over your dogma.

Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.

Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it’s the LAW!

Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Life is too complicated in the morning.

All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay
for not getting it done.

Nobody’s perfect. I’m a Nobody.

“I is a college student.”

“Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.”

“I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?”

“I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ”

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!”

“Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.”

“How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?”

“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”

“Women who seek to be equal to men, lack ambition.”

“It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.”

“No Radio - Already Stolen”

“Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ”

“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!”

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.

She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.



This guy walks into a bar. He walks up the wall and
over the ceiling down the other wall;
back flips into his usual seat at the bar
and orders a Bud Light.

Joe, standing aghast at the bar says to the barman,
" Wow that was really unusual."

The barman replies,
"I know he usually drinks Miller Light."



THE NINE IMPORTANT MEN
IN A WOMAN'S LIFE

1. THE DOCTOR:
Because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST:
Because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
Because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?".

4. THE MILKMAN:
Because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
Because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER:
Because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate
For a while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER:
Because he says, "If you take it out too soon,
You'll lose interest.

8. THE HUNTER:
Because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always
Eats what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
Because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up
Against the wall?





We did sex education at school, and were shown
various films on the subject.
 
One I especially remember was called,
"How to put on a condom."

So when the time came, and I was in the position to try out
what I had learned at school, I took the condom and
followed the instructions from the video.

All was going well, until she said,
"So, now what do we do with the banana?"



The following items appeared overseas. Natives innocently used
  English words inappropriately. . . in restaurants for some really
bizarre menu items, as well as for the names of various
products on sale.  A chuckle or two for us all.
- -
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
French fried ships - Cairo
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Fried friendship - Nepal
Strawberry crap - Japan
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
French Creeps - L.A.
Fried fishermen - Japan
Teppan Yaki - Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Pepelea’s Meat Balls - Romania

Peculiar Attempts at Product Names

Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Pipi - Yugoslavian orangeade
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
Zit - Greek soft drink
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent



Fifteen minutes after the Titanic sank, Arthur and Jon
find themselves hugging a piece of wreckage from the great ship.

The water is freezing, sharks are swimming nearby, and, of course,
the Titanic is long gone.

"Oh well," says Art, "It could have been worse."

"Worse? How could it have been worse?" screams Jon.

"We could have bought return tickets."



There was a ragged, old, retired Submarine Chief who shuffled
into a waterfront bar. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands
shook as he took the 'Piano Player Wanted' sign from the window
and handed it to the bartender.
"I'd like to apply for the job,' he said.

The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old Squid,
but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player
and business was falling off. So, the barkeep
decided to give him a try.

The old Chief staggered his way over to the piano while
several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his
hird bar of music, every voice was silenced.

What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music, unlike
anyone had heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't
a dry eye in the place.

The bartender took the old Chief a beer and asked him
the name of the song he had just played.

Its called 'Drop your Skivvies, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight'
said the old Chief after he took a long pull from the beer.

The bartender and the crowd winced, but the piano player
went on with a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime
that had the place jumping.

After he finished the Chief acknowledged the applause
and told the crowd the song was called,
'Big Boobs Make My Anchor Chain Run Out.'
He then excused himself as he lurched to the head.

When he came out the bartender went over to him and said,
"Look Chief, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open
and your pecker is hanging out?"

"Know it?" the old Chief replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Fart Facts

~ Farts are created mostly by e. coli.

~ On the average a fart is composed of about 59% nitrogen,
21% hydrogen, 9% carbon dioxide, 7% methane, and 4% oxygen.
Less than 1% is what makes them stink.

~ The temperature of a fart at time of creation is
98.6 degrees Fahrenheit.

~ Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second.

~ A person produces about half a liter of farts a day.

~ Although they won't admit it, women fart as much as men.

~ Farts are flammable.

~ The word "fart" comes from the Old English "feortan"
(meaning "to break wind").

~ Excess gas in the intestinal is medically termed "flatulence."

~ The sounds are produced by vibrations of the anal opening.
Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of the gas
and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of the anus.

~ Everyone farts if they're alive.
People even fart shortly after death.

~ Even movie stars fart!
So do grandmothers, priests, kings, opera singers,
beauty queens, and nuns. Even Presidents fart.




~Termites are the largest producers of farts.
The world's energy problems just might be solved by Termites.
check it out if interested
copy and paste into your browser
http://www.physorg.com/news3700.htm

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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