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IF MY BODY WERE A CAR,
this is the time I would be thinking
about trading it in for a newer model.
 
I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish
and my paint job is getting a little dull, but that's not the worst of it.
My fenders are too wide to be considered stylish.
They were once as sleek as a little MG;
now they look more like an old Buick.
 
 My seat cushions have split open at the seams. My seats are sagging.
Seat belts? I gave up all belts when Krispy Kreme opened a shop
in my neighborhood! Air bag's? Forget it. The only bags
I have these days are under my eyes.
 
 Not counting the saddlebags, of course. I have soooooo many miles
on my odometer. Sure, I've been many places and seen many things,
but when's the last time an appraiser factored
life experiences against depreciation?
 
 My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard
to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and
slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
 
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it -almost every time I sneeze, 
cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks 
or my exhaust backfires.

Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?

The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.

Pappy sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks,
"Where ya going boy?"

Little Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin',
I didn't need me no dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." Little Johnny said. "And look what you got!"



Two carrots were walking down the road when a huge truck
slammed into one of them...

An ambulance was called and they rushed the little fellow off to the
hospital where he immediately went in for hours of surgery.

Finally, the doctor emerged from the operating room and approached
the other carrot who had been anxiously waiting in the waiting room.

"Tell me" said the carrot, "how is he?"

The doctor replied, "He's going to live,
but he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life."





I always wanted to be a procrastinator,
but never got around to it.

 

A Texas cowboy walks into the dentist's office
and after an examination the dentist says,
"That tooth has to come out.
I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain
and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The cowboy grabs the doc's arm and says,
"No way. I hate needles. I'm not having any shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with gas."

The cowboy replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick
for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water,
"Here," he says, "Take this pill."

The cowboy asks, "What is it?"

The doc replies, "Viagra."

The cowboy looks surprised and ask,
"Will that kill the pain?"

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something
to hold on to while I pull the tooth."



When everything's coming your way,
you're in the wrong lane.



A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked. "What's the 
problem Carol? I hope it's not homework again."

"Well, uh, yes, it is," replied Carol "I was stupid and made my
homework paper into a paper airplane."

"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said
the teacher, "but this once I'll let your just unfold the paper and
hand it in."

"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. 
"You see, the plane was hijacked to Cuba."



My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad,
he takes something for it.

THEY MUST BE CAREFULLY TAUGHT




IMMUTABLE LAWS

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only one hand free,
the keys are in the opposite pocket.
(Von Fumbles Law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside.
(Yale Law of Destiny)

When one's hands are covered with oil, grease,
or glue, your nose will start to itch.
(Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened.
(Insurance So Sorry Law)

When things seem to be going well,
you've probably forgotten to do something.
(Cheney's Second Corollary)

When things seem easy to do, it's because
you haven't followed all the instructions.
(Destiny Awaits Law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably
because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem.
(Law of Gravitas)

Most problems are not created or solved;
they only change appearances.
(Einstein's Law of Persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you.
(Principle of Dingaling)

Using dial-up, whenever you connect with the Internet,
the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive.
(Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time,
they will always be at the same time.
(Law of Wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for,
and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi.
(Law of Pi Eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes
is directly proportional to the need to be clean.
(Law of Campbell Scoop)

Each and every body submerged in a bathtub
will cause the phone to ring.
(Law of Yes Now)

Each and every body sitting on a commode
will cause the doorbell to ring.
(Law of Ding Dong)

Wind velocity will increase proportionally
to the cost of one's hairdo.
(The Don King Principle)

After discarding something not used for years,
you will need it one week later.
(Law of Fatal Irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist
to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else
has arrived before you.
(Law of Delay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end,
you won't come out alive anyway.
(Theory of Absolute Certainty)

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.



On Saturday morning I got up early.  I put on my long johns.
I dressed quietly.  I got my lunch made, grabbed the dog and
went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck
and down the driveway I went.
 
Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down;
it is like a torrential downpour.  There is snow mixed in
with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
 
Minutes later, I returned to the garage.  I came back into the
house and turned the TV to the weather channel.
I find it's going to be bad weather all day long,
so I put the boat back in the garage,
quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.
 
There I cuddled up to my wife's back,
now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies,
" Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"



A little boy was waiting on his mother to come out of a store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked,
"Son, can  you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, ... just go straight down the street
a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said,
"I'm the new Preacher  in town and I'd like for you
to come to church on Sunday.
I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle,
"Aawww, come on;
you don't even know the way to the Post Office!"

Undercover Clergy
 
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.
They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes
and jumped in the water.

Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while
enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area,
who should come along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and
the priest covered their privates and the rabbi
covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got
their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked
the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you,
but in MY congregation, it's my face they would recognize.



If you take a shower in the morning be sure to bring it back,
  someone else might need it!!

   
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore