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Muslim Humor
Goffaq Yussef.

Good evening, gentlemen, and get out, ladies.

On my flight to New York there must have been an Israeli in the
bathroom the entire time. There was a sign on the door that said
"occupied."

What do you say to a Muslim woman with two black eyes?
Nothing! You told her twice already!

How many Palestinians does it take to change a light bulb? None!
They sit in the dark forever and blame the Jews for it!

Did you hear about the Broadway play, "The Palestinians?"
It bombed!

What do you call a first-time offender in Saudi Arabia?
Lefty!

Did you hear about the Muslim strip club?
It features full facial nudity!

Why do Palestinians find it convenient to live on the West Bank?
Because it's just a stone's throw from Israel!

Why are Palestinian boys luckier than American boys?
Because every Palestinian boy will get to join a rock group!

A Palestinian suspect was being grilled by Israeli police. 
"Honest, I'm not a suicide bomber," he said.
"I didn't say I wanted to blow myself up 
so I could sleep with 72 virgins.
All I said was I'm dying to get laid!"

What does the sign say above the nursery 
in a Palestinian maternity ward?
"Live ammunition."

A Palestinian girl says to her mommy: 
"After Abdul blows himself up,
can I have his room?"

Thank you, thank you
My name is Goffaq Yussef. (say it out loud).

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have 
plenty of room at each side. 

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out 
from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. 
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. 
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. 

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to 
where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms 
straight for more than a full minute.  (I'm at this level.)     
  
After you feel confident at that level, 
put a potato in each bag!

Hit Man Golfer

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag 
called out to them, 
'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing 
and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer,
'What do you do for a living?'

'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.

'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag and pulling out
a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight... 
'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 
'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.' 
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in 
the direction of his house.

'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. 
I can see right in the window.' 
'Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. 
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! Wait a minute, 
that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 
'How much do you charge for a hit?'

'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars 
every time I pull the trigger.'

'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, 
so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just 
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing 
perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 
'I think I can save you a grand here.

 

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!' 

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 
'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.' 

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. 
I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere' 

The clerk is astonished. 

'Your wife's name is Crisco?' 

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that 
when we're out in public.' 

'I see,' said the clerk. 

'What do you call her at home?' 

'Lard ass.' 

You gotta love old people!!!

 

THE NEW FORD

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. 
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the 
"Clitaurus". 
It comes in pink, and the average male thief won't be able to 
find it, even if someone tells him where it is!

The Jewish people sure have a practical view of things!!

A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings 
of a Jewish couple. When the final papers have been signed 
and the divorce is complete the woman
thanks the judge and says,

"Now I have to arrange for a Ghet."

The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman 
explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required 
under the Jewish religion in order to receive a
divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.

The judge says, 
"You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)

She replies, "Yes, very similar, only in this case 
you get rid of the entire prick!"

Woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, 
beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live 
in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says 
some pretty vulgar stuff." 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had 
to have the bird anyway.   She took it home and
hung the bird's cage up in her living room 
and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam." 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, 
but then thought "that's really not so bad." 

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, 
the bird saw them and said,  
"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then 
began to laugh about the situation considering 
how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Andy came home 
from work. The bird looked at him and said, 
  "Hi Andy" 

 Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting 
on a bench outside a nursing home
when an old Grandpa walked by.



One of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, 

"We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, 

"There is no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, 

"Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts 
and we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, 
he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times 
and to jump up and down several times. 

Then they all piped up and said, 

"You're 87 years old!" 

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, 
the old gent asked, 
"How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, 
the three old ladies happily yelled in unison...

"WE WERE AT YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY YESTERDAY!" 



  Marriage Humor: 

Wife:   'What are you doing? '  
Husband:   Nothing. 
Wife:    ' Nothing. You 've been reading our 
marriage certificate for an hour. ' 
Husband:     'I was looking for the expiration date. '  

<>

Wife :  ' Do you want dinner? '   
Husband:    'Sure! What are my choices? '  
Wife:     'Yes or no. ' 

<>

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet.. Why? ' 
Hubby: ' When there is a problem, no matter how great, 
I look at your picture and the problem disappears. '   
Wife:   ' You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you? ' 
Hubby: ' Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other 
problem can there be greater than this one? ' 
  
<>

 Girl:    'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, 
troubles and lighten your burden. '   
Boy:    'It ' s very kind of you, darling, but I don ' t have any 
worries or troubles. '   
Girl:      'Well that ' s because we aren't married yet. ' 




Son:    'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, 
he told me to give up my seat to a lady. '   
Mom:   'Well, you have done the right thing. '   
Son:      'But mum, I was sitting on daddy ' s lap. '  

<>

A newly married man asked his wife, ' Would you have married 
me if my father hadn't left me a fortune? '   
' Honey, ' the woman replied sweetly, ' I ' d have married you, 
NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE! '  

<>

A wife asked her husband: 
' What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body? '  
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 

'I like your sense of humor! ' 






A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife 
hit him round the head with a frying pan. 

' What was that for? ' the man asked. 

The wife replied ' That was for the piece of paper with the name 
Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket ' . 

The man then said ' When I was at the races last week 
Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on ' 

The wife apologized and went on with the housework. 

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife 
bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, 
knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness 
the man asked why she had hit again. 

Wife replied: ' Your Horse phoned '



This 80 year old woman thought she had the crabs, 
so she goes to the doctor. 
"Doctor I think I have the crabs." 

"When was the last time you had sex?" The doctor asks.

"I have never had sex. I'm still a virgin." she replied.

The doctor thought this was very strange so he told her to get on 
the table and he would examine her. After the examination he said, 

"I have some good news and bad news for you. 
The good news is you don't have the crabs. 
The bad news is you've got fruit flies." 

"Fruit flies?" asks granny. 

"Yeah," says the doctor. "Your cherry rotted."

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