Many thanks to all and to
AngOBri,  AJ best, Trish, MRuss74101,
Nekia, Philalakes,ToHot4u64,
SlingoGMa, K1mmm
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

"Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, 
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back!"

A man asked his friend,
"How's your wife doing?"
 
The friend said,
"Not too well. She hasn't been feeling herself lately.
But it was a damned dirty habit anyway."



A man says to his wife,
"Say something to me that will make me both happy
and sad at the same time"
 
She replies,
"You have a much bigger dick
than your brother.

 
Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting.
Author Unknown
 
What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change,
and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure.
Gene Perret
 
Grandmothers are just 'antique' little girls.
Author Unknown
 
Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
Welsh Proverb
 
A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids
instead of the television.
Author Unknown
 
Never have children, only grandchildren.
Gore Vidal
 
Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just
a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric.
Pam Brown
 
Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good
because Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them.
Gene Perret
 
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see
just you all day and now the day was complete.
Marcy DeMaree
 
Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies.
Author unknown
 
Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while,
but our hearts forever.
Author Unknown
 
If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first.
Lois Wyse
 
My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world.
And after two or three hours with them, I believe it, too.
Gene Perret
 
If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice,
I should advise every one of you straight away to become one.
There is no fun for old people like it!
Hannah Whithall Smith
 
It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother -
that's why the world calls her grandmother.
Author Unknown
 
Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing old.
Mary H. Waldrip
 
You do not really understand something unless you can explain it
to your grandmother.
Proverb
 
An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly.
Gene Perret
 
The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents.
You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them
for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.
Dave Barry
 
I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have -
if only for self-defense.
Gene Perret
 
Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas are
short on criticism and long on love.
Author Unknown
 
Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children.
Alex Haley
 
Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of practice.
Author Unknown
 
A grandparent is old on the outside but young on the inside.
Author Unknown
 
One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new grandbaby
around the finger of a grandfather.
Joy Hargrove
 
It's amazing how grandparents seem so young
once you become one.
Author Unknown
 
If your baby is 'beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the time,'
you're the grandma.
Teresa Bloomingdale
 
Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have around
and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren.
Author Unknown
 
What is it about grandparents that is so lovely?
I'd like to say that grandparents are God's gifts to children.
And if they can but see, hear and feel what these people have to give,
they can mature at a fast rate.
Bill Cosby
 
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old;
It's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.
G. Norman Collie

The car sped off the highway, went through the guardrail,
rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped
the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
 
"Good lord, mister," he gasped, "are you drunk?"
 
"Of course," said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
"What the hell do you think I am --
a fucking stunt driver?

Tenant Complaints
Excerpts from letters to their Landlords
~ ~
My bush is really overgrown round the front and
my back passage has fungus growing in it.
 
It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
 
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired
and burnt my knob off.
 
Neighbor's 18 year old son is continually banging his balls
against my fence.
 
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof.
I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
 
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
  
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife
tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is  pregnant.
 
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
   
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children
until it is cleared.
 
Will you please send a man to look at my water.
It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
  
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning
at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
 
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
 
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please
do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times
and I still have no satisfaction.
 
Please send a man with the right tool
to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

KENTUCKY  LOVE  POEM
><

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE;
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE
SHE WAS SO  HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
 
 PAPPY  TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST  AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
 
 SO  SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL,
BUT AFTER  TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.

YOU  CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF  BROTHER.
 
BUT  MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY!



Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and cried until
his mother came in to see what was the matter.
"I have to make pee pee," wailed Little Johnny.
 
"All right," said his mother, "I'll take you to the bathroom."
 
"No," insisted Little Johnny, "I want Grandma."
 
"Don't be silly, I can do the same thing as Grandma."
 
"No you can't! " replied Little Johnny.

"Her hands shake!"



Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself nude in a mirror,
after a relaxing bath. Her frustration over her lack of ability
to lose weight was depressing her.
 
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.
 
'God...if you take away my love handles,
I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed. 
 
And just like that.........Her ears fell off!

A Fairy Tale . .
Once upon a time, long, long ago,
there lived a woman who did not
 whine, nag or complain.


But this was a long time ago
and it was just that one day.

The End



A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around
a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave
the children a work sheet to do.
 
While they were working she heard a little girl say very softly, "Damn!"
 
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say that in school."
 
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big
and she said,
"Not even when things are all fucked up?"

HOW TARZAN GOT HIS FAMOUS YELL

BUMPER STICKERS
<>
IF YOU CAN'T FEED EM, DON'T BREED EM!
~~~
The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
~~~
If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
~~~
He Who Hesitates Not Only Is Lost,
But is Miles From The Next Exit.
~~~ 
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.
~~~
Guys: No Shirt, No Service
Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
~~~ 
Heart Attacks: God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends
~~~
'POLITICIANS & DIAPERS BOTH NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN,
AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

One man was downing drinks faster than usual when the man on
the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"

The first man said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my wife.  She was a
saint on earth.  She went to church every single morning, spent her
days reading and quoting the Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all
evening, filled our house with religious statues and paintings, and
invited priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."

"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented.
"I suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."

"No," the first man replied.  "I strangled her."






THE WAY IT IS

"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap,
always leave room for the mouse.

"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.

"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear,
you had better let him lead.

"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

"Seiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who
doesn't have to do it himself.

"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people,
they have nothing to lose.

"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.

"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person will be fired.

"The Steel Law of Distribution"
They what has some... They gets more.

"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.

"Law of Drunkenness"
You cannot fall off the floor.

"The Law of Management"
The first myth of good management is that it exists.

"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.

"Washington's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite
government program.

Joe had been moping around all week, and the boss
wanted to know what  was wrong.

"It's my wife," he replied.
"She's fooling around with 
other men."

"Well... I can understand your mood then." said the boss.
"I wouldn't like that one damn bit either."

"No, no." said the guy.
"It's not that.
I just can't sleep with two other people
in our small bed."







A woman is at home when she hears someone knock at the door.
She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there.

He asks the lady 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door. It is the same man and
he asks the same question of the woman 'Do you have a vagina?'

She slams the door again.

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has
happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife
in a loving and concerned voice,
'Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home
just in case this guy shows up again'.

The next morning they hear a knock and both run for the door.

The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice,
'Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and
if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question
because I want to see where he is going with it'.

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door.

Sure enough the same fellow is standing there
and asks the same question.

'Do you have vagina?'

'Yes' she says...

The man replies...
 
'Good! Would you mind telling your husband
to leave my wife's alone and start using yours?'



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker
came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied.
"Two years older than me"

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.

She responded,
"Hardly worth going home, is it?"



Idle Thoughts of a  Wandering Mind
 
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~ 
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and
I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?





Medical Advice!!!

A husband and wife came for counseling
after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had
ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on:
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list
of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking
the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately
as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down
as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said,
'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.
Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied,
'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I fish.

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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