Best Scottish Short Joke
 
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks,
looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off!  Ye'll no bring it back!'

Darling," cooed the wife sweetly over morning coffee,
"do you remember those trout you spent two weeks fishing for
back in April?"
 
"Sure,"  mumbled her husband through his newspaper.
 
"Well," she continued, "one of them called last night to say
you're going to be a father".

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness
with a Hell's Angel Biker?

A: Someone who comes to your door on Sunday and tells
YOU to fuck off!

Hard to believe, but many of the customers at my bank
still do not know how to swipe their card through
an ATM card reader.
Because of this, the tellers often find themselves
having to explain how it's done.

One teller complained that she kept getting odd looks every
time she explained it. I found out why when I overheard
her tell one man,

"Strip down facing me."

A man was separated from his wife, got drunk, staggered to their house, and began pounding on the door. After fifteen minutes, his wife had had enough. She yelled through the closed door,

"What do you want?"

Through the closed door and the bitter wind, she heard,
"Honey! I'm half frozen! Can I stay here tonight?"

"Sure." She replied.  "I was afraid you wanted to come in!"

A three-family home burned down in New York City.
The Puerto Rican family on the first floor all perished.
The black family on the third floor all perished.
No one was injured from the white family on the second floor.

Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were enraged, calling a press conference and demanding from the Manhattan Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen.

The Chief replied... "they were at work!"





Two older, successful businessmen met at a resort.
One who had recently retired was describing his life,

"I get up late in the morning, have a light breakfast and then
I lie down on my veranda for a few hours and relax.

In the afternoon I go inside for lunch, have a great salad, fruits
and cold fish, then I spend the rest of the afternoon
boating or playing golf or tennis... When it starts
to get dark I have a great dinner with the finest wines.
I smoke a Cuban cigar. Then I go lie on my veranda again."

The other gentleman acknowledges that this is a life to be envied.
Later he reported the conversation to his wife. She asked,

"What's his wife's name?"

Her husband said,

"I'm not sure, but I think it's Veranda."

SENIOR DRESS CODE
Many of us  over 50, WAY over 50, or on the way to 50 are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.  We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether  or not we are correct as we try to conform  to current fashion.
 
 In spite of  what you may have seen on the streets, the  following
  combinations DO NOT go  together and should be  avoided:
 
  1. A nose ring and  bifocals
 
  2. Spiked hair and bald spots
 
  3.  A pierced tongue and dentures

  4.  Miniskirts and support hose
 
  5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
 
  6.  Speedo's and cellulite
 
  7. A belly  button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
 
  8.  Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart  monitor
 
  9.  Midriff shirts and a midriff  bulge
 
 10.  Pierced nipples that hang below the  waist
 
  11. Bikinis and  liver spots
 
  12. Short shorts and varicose  veins

  13. Inline skates and a walker
 
  And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion for the older folks...
 
 14. Thongs and  Depends

Q. Why did the Siamese twins go to London?  

A. So the other one could drive.

PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF EBAY TRADERS,  
NOT SELLING AS ADVERTISED...   
YOU COULD BE SCAMMED!   
I ORDERED A BLOW UP DOLL...
AND THIS IS WHAT THEY SENT...
  
 
 






NEGATIVE PEOPLE

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make
your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply.. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline.
Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're
always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
  
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on 
Rome 's Tiber  River  called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place.  Everybody thinks its
gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a
dump, the worst hotel in the city!  The rooms are small,
the service is surly, and they're overpriced. 
So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" 
  
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope 
to see the Pope." 

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million
other people trying to see him.  He'll look the size of an ant."

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was
overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.
The food and wine were wonderful, and I had
a handsome 28-year-old steward who
waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their
owner's suite at no extra charge!"
  
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good,
but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
  
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican,
a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained
the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be
so kind as to step into his private room and wait,
the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door
and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words
to me."

"Oh, really!  What'd he say ?"
  
He said: "Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?