When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things,
and prevents us from achieving them.

Nobody can help everybody.
But everybody can help somebody!!






As a ex law enforcement officer I have been approached by several people
lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth Lab.
 
Here is a picture of four Labs.  I think it's pretty obvious
which one is the Meth Lab. 

I hope this helps.  
 
Let me know if I can be of any further service in this matter.
 
 
 
 


 
 


An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick Catholic Church.. 
            
 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.' 
  
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven.
Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' 
 
 Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional.

'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had
sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.' 
      
 This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?' 
  
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied. 
  
 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'
 
 At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed
up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest.

Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching,
shiny emerald-green shoes. 
 
 The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching
green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize
she wasn't wearing any underwear. 
 
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,
'Is that Nookie Green?' 
 
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,
'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'..

A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi.
'' Jack and Joe are both in love with me,'' she says.
''Who will be the lucky one?''
The wise old Rabbi answers: " Jack will marry you.
Joe will be the lucky one.

<>

  If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses
an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?

<>

My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family."
I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"

<>

  Jewish Marriage advice "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may leave you.
Of course... an ugly person may leave you too. But who cares?"

<>

Morris, went to his rabbi for some needed advice.
" Rabbi, tell me is it proper for one man to profit from another man's mistakes?"
" No, Morris, a man should not profit from another man's mistakes"
answered the rabbi.
" Are you sure Rabbi?"
" Of course, I'm sure, in fact I'm positive" exclaimed the Rabbi.
" OK, Rabbi, if you are so sure, how about returning the two hundred dollars
I gave you for marrying me to my wife?"

<>

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

<>

Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget,
but she'll never forget what she forgave."



A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said,
"All I want out of life is four little animals".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be, sugar?"

The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."

The teacher fainted!



I met a girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us,
and she immediately dropped to her
knees and laid on the grass at my feet.
And as we lay making love, I thought...

"These taser guns are really worth the money!"

Double Martinis & Fertility!

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.
The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said,
"This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered,
"Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile.
But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.




I found an old picture of me with my first babysitter. 

My psychiatrist told me this is where my problem started!


 

I MISS HER A LOT!

The wife was watching a cooking program on TV the other day. 

I said, "What are you watching that for? You can't cook." 

She said, "You watch porn."

My husband died aged 79.  He lead a wonderful life and
never suffered ....... unless I wanted him to!




For 30 years every day old Moishe ate at "Abe's Kosher Delicatessen". Old
Moishe was an honoured guest and had his own reserved stool at the counter.
He was loved by everyone and was generous to all the servers and staff. Abe,
the owner loved Moishe too. One day Moishe didn't show at his regular time.
Abe was worried a bit as he realized Old Moishe was a widower and lived
alone but then got busy and forgot about Moishe's absence.

The next day...no Moishe....now Abe was worried... he phoned Moishe's number
and got no answer. He even called a few local hospitals and even called
Moishe's daughter in Israel to no avail. Abe couldn't sleep that night
wondering what had happened. Next day again no Moishe!

Now Abe was really concerned and just as he was about to call the cops and
911 he glanced out the window and saw Moishe going into "Goldberg's Deli"
across the street. Abe took off out the door and raced across the street
narrowly missing getting hit be a bus and confronted Moishe just as he was
sitting down. Abe screamed,
"Where the hell have you been! I lost sleep and
spent good money phoning around about you and
what are you doing here at Goldberg's.....
you know he's my worst enemy! Explain to me Moishe!!!!!"

Moishe looked at Abe and said calmly,
"Settle down Abraham, settle down, you'll be having a heart attack.
I'll tell you what happened okay. I went to the dentist 3 days ago
and had one of those root canals. Oy the pain! The dentist gave
me some pills and said . . .

. . . 'Moishe, for a few days eat on the other side'".

A blonde gets a job as a teacher

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know'

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: "Because I'm the goal keeper"





"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.



I am told that this was written by
a black gentleman in Texas.
What a great sense of humor  
and creativity!!!

When U BLACK, U BLACK

When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK,

NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW,
When you get sick, you're GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all be callin'
COLORED Folks?



Two guys  are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a  day?"

"Aw crap...," says his  friend, "and I just joined the Moose!"

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