"The happiest people don't have the best of everything.
They just make the best of everything."

"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!

LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past. "

If there's no smile on your face and no laughter in your heart,
YOU are just . . . . a sour old fart.

Many thanks to
AngOBri, Heartlast, Trish, Tootsie, Tomacho, Wannawynn
for contributing to the content of today's page.

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I WISH EVERYONE A GREAT SUMMER
Hope to See You All After Labor Day





INFO YOU COULD NEVER LIVE WITHOUT
Thanks Tootsie

At three minutes and four seconds after 2 AM on the 6th of May
this year, the time and date will be
02:03:04 05/06/07.
This will never happen again!



The divorcee was having a very difficult time getting across
what she wanted from her date. In a final attempt at seduction, she asked,
 
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for my appendicitis?" 

"God, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."



A man walked into a bar in Louisville, Kentucky
and ordered a drink.  While he was sitting at the 
bar watching TV, one of Hillary's political  ads came 
on.  After it went off, he stood up and announced to
everyone,  "Hillary is a horse's ass!"
       
The bartender reached under the bar and brought
out an oak club about  18 inches long and hit the man 
square across the mouth, knocking him off  his stool 
and onto the floor.
       
After a minute or two, the man got up, straightened himself 
up and  said to the bartender, "I'm sorry. I didn't know this 
was Hillary  country."
       
"It's not!" replied the bartender. "This is horse country."

"A young boy approached his father and asked,
"Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment...
"Yes, son," he replied,
"Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."



A young nurse was giving an old army man a bath
and told him he would have to wash his own privates.

"Privates?!" he shouted.
"At my age they should be at least Generals by now."



QUOTES

I have found that if you love life, life will love you back.
Arthur Rubenstein
 
If you can't accept losing, you can't win.
Vince Lombardi

The giant oak is an acorn that held its ground.
Anonymous
 
He that is of a merry heart hath a continual feast.
Proverbs 15:15

I shall allow no man to belittle my soul by making me hate him.
Booker T. Washington

 People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.
Abigail Van Buren

Ask yourself: Have you been kind today? Make kindness
your daily modus operandi and change your world.
Annie Lennox

Man has never made any material as resilient as the human spirit.
Bern Williams

If you have made mistakes, even serious mistakes, you may have
a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure"
is not the falling down, but the staying down.
Mary Pickford

The teacher, Miss Baker, asks the children what they want to be
when they grow up.

"I want to be an actress," Susie says.

"I want to be an astronaut," Cliff says.

"I want to be a sex therapist," says Little Johnny.

"Johnny, would you please tell the class what you think
your job is going to be like?" asked Miss Baker.

"Okay, Miss Baker. Look out of the window. Three women are walking
down the street eating ice cream. One is licking, one is sucking, and
one is biting. Would you please tell the class which one is married?"
says Little Johnny.

"GET OUT OF THIS ROOM,  Johnny, and come back with your
parents!" exclaims Miss Baker.

Little Johnny replies, "The one that is married is the one that is
wearing a wedding ring.
It is people like YOU, Miss Baker, that I am going to treat."



There was a club in New York called the G-Spot.
If you can't find it you can't come.



The old priest lay dying in the hospital.
For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. 
  He motioned for his nurse to come near.
 
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
  
"I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die."
whispered the priest.
 
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
 
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response.
Soon the word arrived. 
Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.
 
As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy 
"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but
it will certainly help our images." Kennedy couldn't help but agree.
  
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's
hand in his right hand and Clinton 's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
 
Finally Senator Kennedy spoke. 
  "Father, of all the people you could have chosen,
why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
  
The old priest slowly replied
"I have always tried to pattern my life after our
Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
  
Amen" said Kennedy.
 
"Amen" said Clinton
 
The old priest continued...

 "He died between two lying thieves. 
I would like to do the same.

Say when," said the fellow as he poured out her drink.

"Right after the next drink," she replied.



Down South Talk
- -
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

He's as country as cornflakes.

This is gooder'n grits.

Busier'n than a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone
to help me enjoy it.



A blonde was recently hired at the office. Her first task
was to go out and get coffee for everyone. Eager to prove her worth
to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried
to the nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos so that the counterman could view it
and she asked,
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"

The counterman looked at the thermos and replied,
"Yes. It looks like about six cups to me."

"Oh good!", the blonde sighed in relief,
"Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf."



Jewish Humor
"ONE-LINERS"

Do you remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days, viz.,
Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman,
and others?  Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word
in their whole comedy routine!

CORNY but STILL FUNNY

There was a beautiful young woman
knocking on my hotel room door all night!
I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,
"Are you comfortable?
The man says,
"I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip.
I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night,
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. She was at the beauty shop
for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack
and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill,
so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying,
"Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen answered,
"So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?"
The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says,
"You've been brought here for drinking."
The drunk says " Okay, let's get started."

A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday."
The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?"
The bum said, "I don't know!  You're the one
that's working!"

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade,
so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women
like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact
that 'Won-Ton' spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable
until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American- Princess horror movie?
A: It's called "Debbie Does Dishes."

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence.

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good, "said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered "Because I didn't want my mouth
to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school
and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The Mother scowls and says,
"Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to
a Jewish mother on the street and said
"Lady I haven't eaten in three days."
"Force yourself," she replied.

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.



For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9:00 AM, on the dot
He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular morning 9:00 AM passed
without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased
and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering,
came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at 10:00 AM, Johnson showed up, clothes
dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised,
his glasses bent with one lens missing...

He limped slowly across the floor and was obviously in pain
as he punched the time clock, and said, aware that all eyes
were upon him,
"I tripped and fell down two flights of stairs in the subway.
Nearly killed myself."

After taking this in for a moment, the boss said,
"And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"



Don and his fetching wife, Sumi, are walking down
Main Street one evening.
They stop at a jewelry store window.

Sumi says, "Don, I'd love those diamond earrings."

He says, "No problem!"
Then he takes a brick out of his backpack,
smashes the window, and gets the earrings for her.

They walk away hastily
and soon come upon another jewelry store.

In the window, there is this gorgeous diamond ring, and Sumi says,
Don, oh please, please, please, get me that ring."

He looks around, sees there's nobody around,
takes a brick out of his backpack
and hurls it at the window.

Now she's got the earrings and this great ring,
and they walk on ... until they come to yet another jewelry store.
There's this fantastic diamond necklace in the window.

Sumi starts begging, "Don, Don, just look at it. I need it!"

He looks at her and says,
"Geesh . . . Whaddaya think . . .
I'm made of . . . bricks?"



Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the
2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people
from all over the world are asking.  Believe it or not
these questions about Canada were posted on an
International Tourism Website.
Obviously the answers are a joke;
but the questions were
really asked!

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV,
so how do the plants grow? (England)
A. We import all plants fully grown and then just
sit around and watch them die.

Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street?  (USA)
A: Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto.
Can I follow the Railroad tracks?  (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada?  (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses
of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver.  (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.

Q: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada?
Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver,
Edmonton and Halifax?  (England)
A: What, did your last slave die?

Q: Can you give me some information about
hippo racing in Canada?  (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...oh forget it.
Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary.
Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Canada?  (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.
Contact us when you get here and we'll send
the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada? (England)
A: Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada?  (Germany)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you sell it in Canada? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female
population is smaller than the male population?  (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada?  (USA)
A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and
is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers.
Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada,
but I forget its name.
 It's a kind of big horse with horns. (USA)
A: It's called a Moose.  They are tall and very violent,
eating the brains of anyone walking close to them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with
human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go?  (USA)
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.

"You can dry off and go home now, dear . . 
he just signed the lease."

Your gonna love this diet

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk
 
LUNCH
1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's Kiss
 
AFTERNOON TEA
The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

DINNER
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size Supreme pizza
3 Snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake
(eaten directly from the freezer)



CONFUCIUS SAY:

"Woman who springs on innerspring this spring,
gets offspring next spring."

"Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter."

"Sex on beach is like American beer - very near water."

"Woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock."

"Man who buy drowned cat, must pay for stinking wet pussy."

"Girl who is wallflower at party, may be dandelion in bed."

"Man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants!"

"Woman who slides down banister, makes monkey shine"



 Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on  their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them
what has happened.
 The Coroner tells the Inspector:
"First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He  died of heart failure
while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."

 "The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won
a thousand dollars  on the lottery and spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

 The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
 
 "Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning."

 "Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

 "Thought she was having her picture taken."

We All Still Have Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

" WOW "

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