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WHICH WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

In the middle of the table is a round food tray
with five kinds of Fruits on it.
They are:

a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully
and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded at
what your choice reveals about you!

Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN



If you have chosen:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself.
May it bring you peace and understanding,
tranquility and all that other profound stuff.

Also I bet that right now you would like to find me and kick my ass.

Well, You won't find me....because I am still hunting down
the person who sent this to me...



Walking down the hospital corridor, the Nursing Supervisor
found it shocking to see one of her nurses walking towards her
in total disarray. Her uniform was wrinkled, her hair was a mess
and if that wasn't enough, one of her breasts
was hanging out of her open top.

Yelling at her, the supervisor said,
"Miss Thomas, how do you account for your appearance.
Not only do you resemble a derelict, but your breast is exposed!"

Quickly stuffing her breast back into her uniform, the nurse replied,
"Those damn interns. They never put anything back
when they're finished using it!"

Do you realize 25% of all married men kiss their wife
good-bye when they leave the house?

Of these same men, 90% will kiss their house good-bye
when their wife leaves.

ANOTHER GOLFING STORY

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students.  Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole is doing
while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends."

 
A stripper in a hurry to get home leaves the club
with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street,
a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper,
sending her flying into the air. She lands unconscious
on her back with all her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon
the stripper's crotch in order to minimize her exposure.

In the meantime, the drunk driver hardly aware he just
hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about.
Noticing the near-naked woman lying exposed on the street,
he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice,

"WELL, THE FIRST THING WE GOTTA DO
IS GET THAT GUY OUT OF THERE!"

Once upon a time there were four older ladies 
that lived in Poland.... They always sat outside and 
chatted about when they were younger....
One day they pooled their money together
and bought a laptop computer...

    

They always wanted to see what Florida was about
and they just happened to click on St. Augustine, FL.
and they read about the "Fountain of Youth" that was there...
They saved up all they could and sent for four bottles
of the magic water....
As soon as it arrived, they drank as much as they could....

The rest of this story will make you a believer
because here they are today....






Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;
The next day I stopped smoking.
 
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill
you; The next day I stopped eating red meat..
 
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;
The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;
This morning I stopped reading.

Sensible Observations

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave
you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better  verbal skills than men. I just want to say
to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??
I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress.. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown

Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased

"Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields

"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"

"What!?  How could you?" screamed the Mother,
"and just who is the father?"

The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know?
You're the one who
would never let me go steady!"



Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian,
she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night,
staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs,
and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt
and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother
and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom,
Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran
downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants,
and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man.
Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks,
and on his left foot, he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this,
she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother.
"This is a job for Mama."



Two young Polish guys were discussing
the upcoming wedding of the first guy.

"I'm not sure if my future bride is a virgin or not,"
remarked the first Polish guy.

His buddy replied,
"Oh, there's an easy test for that.
All you need is some red paint,
some blue paint and a shovel.
, "You paint one ball red, and one ball blue.
Then, on your honeymoon, if she laughs and says,
'Those are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' -
You hit her with the shovel."



THOUGHTS WE ALREADY KNOW
ABOUT DOGS



The reason a dog has so many friends
is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
-Anonymous

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence
that you are wonderful.
-Ann Landers

If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die
I want to go where they went.
-Will Rogers



There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
-Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more
than he loves himself.
-Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
-Andy Rooney

We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare
and love we can spare.
And in return, dogs give us their all.
It's the best deal man has ever made.
-M. Acklam



Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies. Quite unlike people
who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate.
-Sigmund Freud

I wonder if other dogs think poodles
are members of a weird religious cult.
-Rita Rudner

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three times before lying down.
-Robert Benchley

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like
never washed a dog.
-Franklin P. Jones

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.
-James Thurber

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise.
-Unknown

My dog is worried about the economy because
Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
-Joe Weinstein

Ever consider what our dogs must think of us?
I mean, here we come back from a grocery store
with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow.
They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
-Anne Tyler



Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs
should relax and get used to the idea.
-Robert A. Heinlein

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous,
he will not bite you; that is the principal difference
between a dog and a man.
-Mark Twain

You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
-Roger Caras

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits
in your pocket and then give him only two of them.
-Phil Pastoret



My goal in life is to be as good
a person as my dog already thinks I am.



When six year old little Susie got home from school 
she told her mother,
"Mommy, one of the boys in my class asked me to play doctor today."

"Oh dear," the mother said nervously, "what happened?"

"Nothing much. He made me wait for an hour and then
double billed the insurance company."

THE CYCLE OF LIFE

Ted hurt himself badly when he fell on the stairs so
he went to the doctor and explained what happened.

The doctor told him, 
"Here, take this cream and rub it where you fell."

Later on that day another fellow came into the doctor's office
with the same complaint. The doctor asked him where he fell.

"I fell on the stairs.
Some idiot put cream all over them!" he exclaimed.

THAT 'SINKING' FEELING



   
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore