Many thanks to all and to
AngOBri, Nekia, Terrygray11, Trish,  
MRuss74101, IrockBlue
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

"Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, 
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back!"

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure
and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me," he asks, turning on his best charm.
"But is this stool taken?"



My husband had been stationed in Europe and away
from home for what seemed like years when I went for
my annual gynecological checkup.  My doctor asked the
usual questions, including what I was using for birth
control.  I gave the only possible response I could:

"The Atlantic Ocean."

At a high School in Montana,
a group of students played a prank on the teachers.

They brought three goats into the school and let them loose.

Before they let them go, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.
1,2 and 4.

The school administrators wasted an entire day
looking for number 3 !



SOME THE "MORE OBVIOUS"
FACTS OF LIFE

Those most opposed to serving on committees 
re made chairmen.

Those who live closest arrive latest.

Those with the best advice offer no advice.

To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd;
to look where everyone else has looked, but to see
what no one else has seen.

To attract maximum attention, it’s hard to beat a
good, big, dumb mistake.

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.

To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else
is even more human.

To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.

To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.

Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.

Only a fool can reproduce another fool’s work.

Only a mediocre person is always at their best.

Only them as knows their own…knows.

Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.

One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.

Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.

It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.

An elderly couple is attending a church service.
About halfway through, she leans over and
says to her husband,

'I just let out a silent fart.
What do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

ALMOST ONE LINERS
-
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
-
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
-
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
-
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.
-
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
been divorced three times."
-
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
-
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
-
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had
slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman
to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
-
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant,
my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a
45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said.
"We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
-
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they
would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
-
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the
waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed
something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter.
Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage,
the bride gave him back his credit card.
-
Women and cats will do as they please, and
men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
-
Three friends from the local congregation were asked,
"When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation
members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband,
a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Gene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge
difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
-
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough
to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord..
"God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-
A man goes to a shrink and says,
"Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening,
she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is
happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife.. I spoke to her on the phone
for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison".

1. Bush: End of an  Error
 
2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My  Civil Liberties Anyway
 
3. Let's Fix  Democracy in this Country First
 
4. If  You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
 
5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
 
6. If  You Can Read This, You're Not Our  President
 
7. Of Course It Hurts: You're  Getting Screwed by an Elephant!
 
8. Hey,  Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
 
9.  George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to  Fight
 
10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for  Blow Jobs Anymore
 
11.  America : One Nation, Under  Surveillance
 
12. They Call Him "W" So He  Can Spell It
 
13. Whose God Do You Kill  For?
 
14. Jail to the  Chief
 
15. No, Seriously, Why Did We  Invade Iraq  ?
 
16. Bush: God's Way of Proving  Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
 
17.  Bad President! No Ba nana.
 
18. We Need a  President Who's Fluent In At Least One  Language
 
19. We're Making Enemies Faster  Than We Can Kill Them
 
20. Is It  Vietnam  Yet?
 
21. Bush Doesn't Care About White  People, Either
 
22. Where Are We Going?  And Why Are We In This Hand basket?
 
23.  You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
 
24.  When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
 
25.  Pray For Impeachment
 
26. The Republican  Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
 
27. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You  Understand?
 
28. One Nation Under  Clod
 
29. Bush  Never Exhaled
 
30. At Least Nixon  Resigned

  A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a
confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
       
        The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the
drunk continues to sit there.
       
        Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
       
        The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper
on this side either.'



Teacher turns to her class and says,
"Today class, we are going to pick out some BIG words
and use them in a sentence. Jenny would you like to go first?"

"Yes Ma'am. Hypocrite. That boy was a hypocrite. He said it
was not OK to go outside and play. Then he went out to play"

"Very Good Jenny!"

Little Johnny jumps up in the back of the room waving his hands.
"Yes Johnny"

"I have a big one!" He exclaimed.

Sighing the teacher holds her hands together and prays silently,
"Go ahead Johnny" she says.

"Harassment!" says Little Johnny, "Her mouth said NO,
but harassment yes!"


NOW . . Anyone can KNIT





A Drinking Leprechaun

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box
and out popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender,
"I want a Rolling Rock and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and,
after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran down
to the end of the bar and spit in the guy's face.
Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, "I'll have another Rolling Rock
and a shot of whiskey for my buddy here."

After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the
end of the bar and spit in the man's face, then dashed back.

The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank
his shot of whiskey, he ran down to the end of the bar.
But this time the man was waiting for him and he
grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said, "If you spit in my face again,
I'm going to cut your pecker off."

The leprechaun laughed and said,
"Leprechauns don't have peckers."

Then the man said, "If you don't have peckers,
then how do you pee?"

"By spitting," said the leprechaun.

The Heist

Two knuckleberries, Jed and George, rob a bank and all they
get away with are two sacks, so they keep one sack each.

After a few days they meet again and Jed asks George,
"What did you find in your sack?"

"Half a million!" says George.

"Aw... that's a lot! What did you do with the cash?" asks Jed.

"I bought a house," says George. "How about your sack?"

"It was packed full o' bills!" replies Jed.

"Wow!
And what did you do with them?"

"Err," starts Jed,
"Little by little, I'm paying them off..."

The Worst Country Western
Song Titles

I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?

Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears

It's Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that
Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long

If I Had My Life to Live Over, I'd Live Over a Delicatessen

Saddle Up the Stove, Ma, I'm Riding the Range Tonight

I Thought She Was Out Jogging, But She Was Running Around On Me

If the Phone Don't Ring, It's Me Not Calling You Up

If Love Were Oil, I'd be a Quart Low

Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart was Pure

Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind

Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me

Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed

At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self-Service Pump

How Come Your Dog Don't Bite Nobody But Me?

If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You

I Wish I Were a Woman (So I Could Go Out With a Guy Like Me)

I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!

I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue

If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet?

You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me

I Sent Her Artificial Flowers For Her Artificial Love

Mama, Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)

Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart

If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin,
I Wonder Whose I'd Find On You

Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well

I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling

Going to Hell in Your Heavenly Arms

If Whiskey Were A Woman I'd Be Married For Sure

It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad

I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

She Feels Like A New Man Tonight

Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart

If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)

Your Negligee Has Turned To a Flannel Nightgown

The Last Word In Lonesome Is "Me"

Do You Love As Good As You Look

I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In

How Can I Miss You When You Won't Go Away?

I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You

You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

She Got The Gold Mine and I Got The Shaft

Come Out of the Wheatfield Nelly, You're Going Against the Grain

My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him

Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone

She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

She Offered Her Honor, He Honored Her Offer, and
all Through the Night it Was Honor and Offer

Thanks To the Cathouse, I'm In The Doghouse With You





A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the
stairs at city hall. He is taken to the hospital where he
remains in a coma for several days.

Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend,
I have bad news and I have good news. First of all, you'll
never be able to work again."

"Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat.
"What's the bad news?"

President Bush is rehearsing his speech for
the Beijing 2008 Olympic Games.
He begins his remarks with,

"Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!"

Immediately his speech writer rushes over
and whispers in the President's ear,

"Mr. President, those are the Olympic rings.
Your speech is underneath!"

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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