CRUISE TRIP DIARY

DEAR DIARY- DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship.
I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm
really excited.
  
DEAR DIARY - DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and
we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful
vacation this has started to be.
I met the Captain Kenny today and he seems like
a very nice man.
  
DEAR DIARY - DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some
shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck.
The Captain invited me to join him at his table for
dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time.
He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
 
DEAR DIARY - DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ...
won about $80.
The Captain invited me to have the dinner with him in
his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with
caviar and champagne.
He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told
him there was no way I could, I hardly knew him.
  
DEAR DIARY - DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little
sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend
the rest of the day inside.
The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks.
He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me
to visit him for the night and again I declined. He
told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me
he would sink the ship.
I was appalled.
  
DEAR DIARY - DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today.
Twice!!

 Sometimes you can reach too far.

And when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in 
a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should always remember....... not everyone who shows up...... 
 is there to help you!!!





An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.



These WORD DEFINITIONS fit so well
they should be in a dictionary.

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends
and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
  
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
 
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to
my character lines.



19 Points to Ponder

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness
will make him wag his tail.

3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably
don't have any sense at all.

4. Seat belts and helmets are not as confining as wheelchairs
and coffins.

5. A good time to keep your mouth shut
is when you're in deep water.

6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark 
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

7. Business conventions are important because
they demonstrate how many people a company
can operate without.

8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger
than everyone else looks?

9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy
who wants to buy a car.

11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number
at 4 AM . . . It could be a right number!

13. Think about this ... No one ever says "It's only a game"
when his team is winning.

14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

15. Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.

16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.

17. Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES
running around with tattoos?
(And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)

18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow
it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching
in every joint, you are probably dead.
(Never thought that I'd say thanks for the pain...)



A fellow evidently under the influence was trying desperately
to catch a train back to his suburban home.

Three times he got on the wrong train.
 
Each time he was told that he would have to take another train.
 
When he boarded a fourth train he slumped down in a seat
beside a clergyman, whose eyes, ears and nose told him
that this new passenger had been drinking too much.
 
He told our besotted friend: "Brother, may I tell you that you
are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation."

To which the drunk replied:
"Don't tell me I'm on the wrong fucking train again!"



 GOD'S PHARMACY

It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... all before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw.  We're such slow learners...

God left us great clues as to what foods help what part of our body!  
God's Pharmacy .... Amazing!


A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes..

A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red.  All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lycopine and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.

A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums.  Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.

Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the human kidneys.

Celery, Bok Choy, Rhubarb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength.  Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium.  If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak.  These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.

Avocadoes, Eggplant, and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers.  And how profound is this?  It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit.  There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).

 Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.

 Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.

Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries.

  Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.

 Onions look like the body's cells.  Today's research show that onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells.  They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes.  A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

 

Because they needed some help around the house,
the minister's wife placed an ad for a manservant.

Around 8 a.m. the next morning a nicely dressed young man
appears at their front door.

"Can you fix breakfast by 7 a.m. every day?"
the minister asks the young man.

"Well...... I guess I can," came the bewildered reply.

"And can you make the beds, dust the living room,
do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also."
the minister continued.

"Gee, sir, I just came by to see about getting married.
But if it's going to be that much work,
you can count me out right now!"

Funny Sayings
By Karan Kapoor

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day.
He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he’s miserable and depressed.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheapest medicine.

Laughter is the shock absorber that eases the blows of life.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building,
and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

You can't have everything....where would you put it?

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say
will be misquoted, then used against you.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
Mark Twain

If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings including this one.

Nothing can confound a wise man more
than laughter from a dunce.
Lord Byron

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people,
then kill them.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand
and makes it sound confusing.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket
during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened,
and the casket rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor
in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said,
"I'm sorry, I was just thinking of
my own funeral ...
I'm a gynecologist."