"Always remember to forget the troubles 
that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

"There are no new sins; 
the old ones just get more publicity." 

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass....
it's about learning how to dance in the rain."

Woke this morning to find every surface in the house 
covered in a layer of dust from the Volcano in Iceland,
and a foul stench of sulphur in the air 
 No change, I’ve been married to that
bone-idle slob for 20 years.



A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.  Every time my
husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
 
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that..  When your husband
comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start
gargling with it.  Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor 
looking fresh and reborn.
 
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband
came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea.  I gargled
and gargled, and nothing happened!"

Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor
how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.

His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things
for what we call a Do-It-Yourself  Virginity Test Kit...
 a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night,
you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...",
you hit her with the shovel.'

PENIS STUDY

 In 1997, Harvard funded a study to see why the head of a penis
was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00,
they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the
shaft was to give the man more  pleasure during sex. 
 
After the U.S. published the study, Sweden decided to do their own.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that
the reason was  to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
 
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. 
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded
that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off
and hitting him in the forehead.

What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
 
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.  




THE FOREHEAD DOT

Finally, someone has explained this.

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads.   

  Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition
or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London ,
has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, 
she brings a dowry into the union.   

  On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see
whether he's won a corner shop, a petrol station,   
  a curry restaurant, a taxi cab or a
   motel in the United Kingdom .   

  If nothing is there, she must remain in India to answer
telephones and provide us with computer technical support.

These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented
almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town.
They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish.

A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent and impeccable Yiddish
asks them if everything is okay can he get them anything and so forth.

The Jewish men are dumbfounded.
"My God where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think.

After they pay the bill they ask the manager of the store,
 an old friend also fluent in Yiddish

"Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The owner looks around and leans in so no 
one else  will hear and says
"Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."





f
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out,
"Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
"Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,
"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"



Did you know
A.  That the words "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"?
 
B.  That "eat" is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and 
move it to the last, it spells its past tense "ate"?
 
C.  And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in 
"illegal immigrants" and add just a few more letters, 
it spells out: "Go home you free-loading, 
benefit-grabbing, kid-producing, violent, 
non-English speaking assholes and take 
those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, 
bomb-making, goat-loving, raggedy-ass 
bastards with you"?




 
DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY
WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.

  Specificity
  Indubitably
  Innovative
  Preliminary
  Proliferation
  Cinnamon
  British Constitution

IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY
WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK

  Thanks, but I don't want sex.
  No, I don't want another drink.
  No kebab for me thank you.
  Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
  Good evening officer
  I'm not interested in fighting you.
  No one wants to hear me sing.



A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said,
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box
and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated
and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said,
"Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
say things to insult passengers."

You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there
and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said.
"Here, let me hold your monkey."





A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels
to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.   
"You already know how to play football!"

He's done it again 
He sure isn't backing down on his hard line stance and one has
to appreciate his belief in the rights of his native countrymen. 

A breath of fresh air to see someone lead. 
I wish some leaders would step up in Canada & USA . 
 
  Australian Prime Minister does it again!! 

This man should be appointed King of the World..
Truer words have never been spoken. 
 
  It took a lot of courage for this man to speak what he
had to say for the world to hear.  

The retribution could
be phenomenal, but at least he was willing to
 take a stand on his and Australia 's beliefs. 

 Whole world needs a leader like this!

Prime Minister Kevin Rudd - Australia 

 Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were
told on Wednesday, March 17th to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential
terror attacks.. 
 
 Separately, Rudd angered some Australian Muslims
on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies
monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote: 
 
'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT..
Take It Or Leave It. 
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we
are offending some individual or their culture.
Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have
experienced a surge in patriotism
by the majority of Australians. ' 
 
 'This culture has been developed over two centuries of
struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women
who have sought freedom' 
 
 'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic,
Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language.
Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society,
Learn the language!' 
 
 'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian,
right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian
men and women, on Christian principles, founded this
nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly
appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. 
If God offends you, then I suggest you consider 
another part of the world as your new home, 
because God is part of our culture.'
 
 'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why.
All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony
and peaceful enjoyment with us.' 
 
 'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and
we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once
you are done complaining, whining, and griping about
Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs,
or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take
advantage of one other great Australian freedom,
'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.' 
 
'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you
to come here. You asked to be here. So
accept the country YOU accepted.' 

. . . .

Versions of the above email that named Australia's current Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd, as the person responsible for the supposed anti-Muslim stance are NOT accurate. It seems that some rather unimaginative prankster has simply substituted "Rudd" 
for "Prime Minister John Howard" in the text and replaced the photograph 
of John Howard with one of Kevin Rudd before sending on the message. 
The message is otherwise identical to the example included above. 
The "Rudd" version strays even further from the truth than the original.
None of the comments or opinions included in the message have 
any connection whatsoever with Kevin Rudd or his Government

BUT . .

 Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves in Canada & USA ,
we will find the courage to start speaking
and voicing the same truths.   

If you agree please SEND THIS ON and ON, to as
many people as you know.