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Morris: "Did you hear about Sam Greenberg?"

Irving: "You mean Sam Greenberg with the double hernia?"

Morris: "That's the one."

Irving: "Sam Greenberg with the liver condition and the bad leg?"

Morris: "Yes that's him."

Irving: "Of course I know him. He has yellow skin, and his head
is always bobbing up and down...Anyway, what happened to him?"

Morris: "He died."

Irving: "Oy!!! And he was such a healthy man!"

Q. What do you call a Jewish wife who
catches her husband in bed with his secretary?

A. "The Plaintiff."

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN RE-WORD

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing
but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
 
If electricity comes from electrons...
does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
 
Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color,
it's a pigment of your imagination.
 
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

Alarms: What an octopus is.
 
Dockyard: A physician's garden.

Incongruous: Where bills are passed.

Pasteurize: Too far to see.



My wife left me... And I don't understand.

After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut
back on expenses - I had to give up drinking beer.

I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.

Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day when she
came home from grocery shopping, the receipt included
$45 for makeup.

I said, "Wait a minute I've given up beer and you haven't
given up anything!"

She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."

I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"

I don't think she'll be back.

DOCTOR  'ONE LINERS'

Let me tell you about my doctor.  He is very good.
If you tell him you want a second opinion,
he will go out and come in again.
. .
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years
before he realized she was Chinese ..
. .
Another time he gave a patient six months to live.
At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill,
so the doctor gave him another six months.
. .
My doctor does have some odd quirks.
He hates ducks - he says they insult him.
. .
One time my doctor examined me and told me
I had walking pneumonia.  I asked what to do about it.
He gave me some pills and said,
"Here are some pills.  Take two every three miles."
. .
 While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible."
The doctor said,
"Tell him I can't see him."
. .
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled,
"Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film."
The doctor calmly replied,
"Let's just wait and see what develops."
. .
One patient came in and said, "Doctor,
I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"
The man replied, "When did what start?"
When the doctor saw that his memory was bad,
he made him pay in advance.
. .
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: Don't answer it.
. .
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases.
One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said,
"Here, take these.  If they don't work, give me a ring."
. .
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there.  I'll deal with you later."
. .
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
he told me to stop going to those places.
. .
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner."
. .
And what is really frustrating is that God does the healing
but the doctor gets the money.

DIRTY BIRD

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were
working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over
pulling weeds, the husband said,

"Hey honey, you're getting fat. Your butt is getting huge.
I bet it's as big as the gas grill now."

The husband, feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yard stick,
measured the grill and then measured his wife's butt.

"Yep", he said, "Just as I thought;
just about the same size."

The wife got very angry and decided to let him do
the gardening alone. She went inside and didn't speak
to her husband the rest of the day.
That evening when they went to bed,
the husband cuddled up to his wife and said,

"How about it honey? How about a little lovemaking?"

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him,
giving him the cold shoulder.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

She replied, "You don't think I am going to fire up
this big ass grill for one little weenie, do you?





ONE YEAR'S BEST
HEADLINES 

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash,
Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to
Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly,
It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked
to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain;
Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger
than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for
Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas
in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]

Local High School
Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery;
Hundreds Dead
[Did I read that sign right?]

An old lady has a parrot; she has had the bird for years and
takes him faithfully to church with her. One Sunday, for no
reason the bird says "God Damn it's hot in here!"
The lady is embarrassed, and goes home,
hoping next week will be better.
Almost through the next week's sermon, again
with the 'God Damn it's hot in here.'

The lady takes the bird to the vet and asks what she can do
to stop these outbursts.

The vet suggests that if he does it again she should grab
the bird by his feet and swing him around above her head,
thus scaring him into silence.

On the next Sunday, right in the middle of the sermon,
the bird shouts
"God Damn it's hot in here!"

With swift determination the lady grabs the pet and swings
him around above her head. The bird responds with
"NOW  I feel a Fucking BREEZE!"

JUST SO YOU WILL KNOW . .

For all of you with any money left by IRS, be aware of the next
expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor
and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in the near future:

MERGERS

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush,
and W. R. Grace Company will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Zesta Crackers
will join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining
will merge and become: Zip, Audi, Do, Da.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS,
and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected
to become: Poupon Pants!

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women
will become: Knott NOW!



How are women like snow flakes???
They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can be cold as ice.
     But they'll all melt when they land on your face.

A woman walks into her accountant's office
and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says:
"Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number,
etc, and then asks,

"What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant balks and says, "No, No, No, that won't work.
That is too gross. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK., I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming
have to do with being a whore & call girl?

"Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year."
He replies: "Good enough."

10 Commandments
of a Teenager!!!
<>
Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(Why wait?)

Thou shall not do drugz.
(Alcohol lasts longer!)

Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(WalMart has a bigger selection!)

Thou shall not get arrested for vandalism.
(Destruction has a bigger effect)

Thou shall not steal from thy parents.
(Everyone knows grandma has more money!)

Thou shall not get into fights.
(Just start them!)

Thou shall not skip class.
(Just skip the whole day!)

Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more!)

Thou shall not think of having sex.
(As nike says just do it!)

Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street.
(Just take them to the middle and leave them!)

Signs on a Synagogue
Bulletin Board
-
Under same management for over 5765 years.
-
Don't give up.  Moses was once a basket case.
-
   What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?
-
 Synagogue committees should be made up of three members,
two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

 

An older couple were lying in bed after an evening celebrating
their 50th Wedding Anniversary. The husband was falling asleep,
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said,

"You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried
to go back to sleep. A few moments later she said:

"Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek
and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:

"Then you used to bite me on my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

He answered, "To get my teeth!"

"I DON'T KNOW OF ANYBODY IN MY ADMINISTRATION
WHO LEAKED CLASSIFIED INFORMATION. IF SOMEBODY
DID LEAK CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, I'D LIKE TO KNOW
IT AND WE'LL TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION."

   
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore