Many thanks to all and to
AngOBri, MRuss74102, Trish, K1mmm,  
Bob'sFiles, Nekia, Terrygray11,
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

"Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, 
is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back!"

" May this joyous festival, celebrating the
'Season Of Our Freedom', help us all to
 truly  appreciate  the  priceless gift of
 freedom that we, of all faiths, cherish."

GOD BLESS AMERICA !

A sign in the Red Dog Saloon, Juneau, Alaska, reads:
"If our food, drinks, and service aren't up to your standards,
please lower your standards."

Three older women were sitting around and bragging
about their children. The first one says,
"You know my son, he graduated with honors
from Stanford, he's now a doctor
making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
 
The second woman says,
"You know my son, he graduated first
in his class from Harvard, he's now a lawyer
making half a million dollars a year
and he lives in Los Angeles."
 
The last woman says,
"You know my son Morris, he never did too well
in school, he never went to any university but he now
makes one million dollars a year in New York
working as a sports repairman."
 
The other two women ask, "What is a sports repairman?"
 
The third momma proudly replies,
"Morris fixes boxing matches,
football games, tennis matches...."



The young bride's mother had some old fashioned ideas
of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
 
"Never let your husband see you in the nude."
"You should always wear something."
 
"Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl.
 
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked,
 
"Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?"
 
"Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?
 
"Well, we've been married for two weeks now
and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed!"






New Lexus

I bought a new Lexus 330 but returned to the dealer
the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio
was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again"
came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant
"Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
every time I'd say,
"Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music.
If I said, "Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a driver ran a red light and nearly creamed
my new Lexus, but I swerved in time to avoid him.  I yelled, "Ass Hole!"

Immediately "Hail-to-the-Chief "began playing.

I LOVE this car!



Eight Not So Little Words,
the meanings of which
depend on who is doing the defining.
><
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male... Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip
with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male... Trying not to hit on other women
while out with this one.

 ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

 FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male... A source of entertainment, self-expression,
male bonding.

 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female... The greatest expression of intimacy
a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

 REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female... A device for changing from one TV channel
to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels
every 5 minutes.

Any intelligent  fool can make things bigger and
 more complex. It takes a touch of genius -  and a lot
 of courage to move in the opposite direction.
Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a  bicycle. To keep your balance
  you must  keep moving.
Albert Einstein

When his wife asked him to change clothes to
 meet  the German Ambassador, he said  "If they
 want to see me, here I am. If  they want to see my
 clothes, open my closet and show them my suits."
Albert Einstein

Intellectuals  solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
Albert Einstein

The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.
Albert Einstein

  If the rich could hire other people to die for them,
         the poor could make a wonderful living.
Jewish  Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue,
  says more  than the fool when he speaks.
Jewish  Proverb

What  you don't see with your eyes, don't invent
   with your mouth.
Jewish  Proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut
  when he is right.
Jewish  Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.
Jewish  Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who
 wasn't good enough  to marry your daughter can be
 the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
Jewish  Proverb

Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor.
Jewish  Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two.
Jewish  Proverb

A wife gets naked & asks hubby,
'What turns you on more,
my pretty face or my sexy body?'
 
Hubby looks her up & down and replies,
'Your sense of humor!'



A six year old went to the hospital with his grandma to visit
his grandpa.  When they got to the hospital he ran ahead of
his grandma and burst into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, Grandpa," he said excitedly.
"as soon as Grandma comes into the room,
make a noise like a frog!"
 
"What?" said his Grandpa.
 
"Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said
that the soon as you croak we're going to Disneyland!"



The clerk showed the guy the store's
most expensive perfume.

"This is called 'Perhaps,'" said the sales clerk.
"It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the guy shot back, "for $285 an ounce,
I don't want something  called 'Perhaps';
I want something called,
"You Can Bet Your Happy ASS You'll Get Some!"

A Polish immigrant goes to the Brooklyn DMV to apply for
a driver's license. He has to take an eye sight test.
The optician at the DMV shows him a card with the letters:

          C Z W I J N O S T W I C Z

"Can you read that?" , the optician asks.

"Read it?",  the Polish guy replies,
" My sister married the bastard."

An Irishman's wife calls the doctor, stating that her
husband has taken ill. The doctor asks if she had taken
his temperature; she replied that she hadn't but would and then call back.
 
When she hadn't called within a half hour, the doctor
called and asked her what had happened. She said,
"Well, I didn't have a thermometer, so I put a
barometer on his chest and it said DRY,
So I gave him a pint and he went off to work!"



Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Boudreaux's
old lady's been pregnant for some time, and now her time had
come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began
to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor
looked over at Boudreaux and said,

"Hey, Boudreaux, you just had you a son! Aint dat just grand"?

Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor
spoke up and said,
 
"Hold on! We ain't finished up yet!"

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you a daughter!
She a pretty lil ting, too."

Boudreaux was kind of puzzled by all this,
and then the doctor said,

"Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,

" Boudreaux, you just had youself another boy!"

When Boudreaux and Marie went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,

"Mama, you remember dat night what we runned
out of dat dere Vaseline and we
had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?"

 She said, "Yeah, I do."

"Man",  Boudreaux said,
"it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!"

QUICKIES

Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer.
---
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma
to succeed as an undertaker.
---
Did you hear about the blonde who got locked
into the bathroom?
She was in there so long she peed her pants.
---
A guy picks up a five-dollar hooker and gets
the crabs from her.
Seeing her the following week, he confronts her and says,
"You gave me the crabs!"
She replies,
"What did you expect for five bucks, lobster?"
---
Two mothers are having a conversation about their children.
"How do you get your Pauly up so early on school mornings?"
"Oh, that's easy. I just throw the cat on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"Because he sleeps with the dog."
---
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A: When you smack a mosquito, it stops sucking.
---
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.





A furrier from the United States went to Helsinki, Finland
to purchase furs. The first night in Helsinki
he met a gorgeous blonde named Astrid,
and before long the two were alone in his hotel room.
The encounter turned physical and soon their love-making
session was complete.

After they were finished the man attempted to chat
with Astrid but it wasn't going well.
He said,  "I'm afraid my Finnish isn't too good."

Astrid replied, "Your foreplay ain't all that hot either!"

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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