One hot and summer day an Indian and a cowboy were
riding across the desert when they came upon a shade tree.
After getting down off they're horses, the Indian put his head to
the ground then rose up, looked at the cowboy and said,

" Buffalo come ".

At which the cowboy replied," Buffalo come?,
how the hell do you know that?"....

The Indian slaps his face and while pulling his hand back say's

"STICKY"





Little 4 years old Melanie rushed into the kitchen, where her mother
was preparing lunch. Melanie was all excited, tugged on her mother's
skirt, and looking up, says:

"Mommie, can a 4 year old girl have a baby?"

The mother looks at the small child, and tells her:

"Of course not, honey".

She then turns back to the stove, and hears the screen door
slam, her daughter running across the porch,
loudly exclaiming,

"O.K. boys, same game!"



Tony married a rich widow, but they didn't get along.
One day she said to him,

"If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here.
If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."

Tony mumbled, "And if it wasn't for your money,
_I_ wouldn't be here."





BILLY, A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG,
SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP.
 
HE IS TIGHTLY GRIPPING ON TO THE TOILET SEAT WITH
HIS LEFT HAND AND HITTING HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD
WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
 
HIS MOTHER ASKS, "BILLY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT?
YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR AWHILE."
 
BILLY ANSWERS, "I FINE, MOMMY. I NO GO 'DOODY' YET..."
 
"OK, HONEY--YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.
BUT, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
 
BILLY EXPLAINS IT SIMPLY,

"WORKS FOR  KETCHUP!





If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea....
does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
- -
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
- -
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
- -
What hair color do they put on the
driver's licenses of bald men?
- -
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do
Chinese mothers use . . . toothpicks?
- -
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until
you learn to drive?

An honest seven-year-old told her parents that
Billy Brown had kissed her after class.

"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.

"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady,
"but three girls helped me catch him.""

Limericks
- -
There once was a lady from Ryde
Who ate some green apples and died.
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
And made cider inside her insides.
-
There was a young lady from Thrace,
Whose corsets grew too tight to lace.
Her mother said, "Nelly,
There's more in your belly,
Than ever went in through your face!"
-
A fussy old widow named Pease
Thought her home was infested with fleas;
So she used gasoline,
And her form was last seen
Sailing over the tops of the trees.
-
Once took the Duchess to tea
She was tense as a person could be.
Her rumblings abdominal
Were simply phenomenal . .
And everyone thought it was me!






A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, 
yanks the blanket back and there is his wife 
in bed with another man!

As the husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head,
the wife shouts,
'Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Pittsburgh Steelers tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership,
and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says,
'What would you do?'
The cabby replies,
'I’d cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

MAKES A PRETTY PACKAGE



                                                                                                        lol

A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says,
"'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says,
'Fuck you?'"

The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says,
"No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you..'"

"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk,
" I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."

  Sayings
of the Jewish Buddha
                                                                                                                  


  If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life;
with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction;
with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health,
or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called,
you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
And then what do you have? Bupkis.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this
and attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be
as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet
the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.  Each flower blossoms
ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
You might want to see a specialist.

Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions.  
Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is 
a symptom of a terminal illness.

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.  
The Buddha says, "There is no self."  
So ... maybe we're off the hook?

Life is Unfair

I lost my car keys at a ball game and never found them.

I lost my sunglasses at  the beach and never found them.

I lost my socks in the washing machine and never found them.

I lost three pounds on a diet -- I found them and five more!



Deleting a File from memory


When I'm in a working mood, I worry, work and think.

When I'm in a drinking mood, I gamble, fight and drink.

When my moods are over, And my life has come to pass,
I hope they bury me upside down,
So the world can kiss my ass!

 

                                                                                   Jake Novak