WHERE GOD WENT WRONG

Soooooooooooo . . .
 

  


FLORIDA COURT SETS AN
ATHEIST HOLY DAY

       In   Florida , an atheist created a case against  Easter and Passover Holy days.

He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews 
and observances of their holy days.  The argument was that it was unfair 
that atheists had no such recognized days.

       The case was brought before a judge.  After listening to  the passionate 
presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"

       The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, 
"Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case?  The Christians have 
Christmas, Easter and others.  The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and  Hanukkah, 
yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.."

       The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, 
"But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant."

       The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any 
special observance or holiday for atheists."

       The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. 
Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' 
Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God,
then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day!
Court is adjourned.."

You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!

 

"THE POWER OF WORDS"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hzgzim5m7oU

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MEN & WOMEN

The Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation 
that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation - 
no one wanted him to leave. 

Soren, who owns several car dealerships in the city, 
stands up and proclaims, 

"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every two years, 
and his wife with a Chevy minivan to transport their children!" 

The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. 

Not to be outdone, his brother Magnus, who owns several rental houses 
in town, stands and says, 

"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll let him and his family stay rent free 
in one of my rental houses, right down the block!" 

More sighs and loud applause. 

Lena, now age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 

"If the Preacher stays, I will give him sex!" 

There is total silence until finally the Preacher, blushing, asks her, 

"Lena, whatever possessed you to say that?" 

Lena's 90-year-old husband, Ole, is now trying to hide, holding 
his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head 
from side to side. Lena smiles broadly and replies, 

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 
'Screw the preacher!'"

This is undoubtedly the most expressive picture I've ever seen of an animal! 
You can almost hear him say these words; 

      "You want me to do WHAT?" 

"You Can kiss my ass. I'm not smellin' those!" 

 

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously
imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to 
come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you 
for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. 
What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, 
"My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, 
smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore!... HE is!"



A man is at the bar, drunk.  I pick him up off the floor, 
and offer to take him home.  On the way to my car, 
he falls down three times. 

       When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, 
and on the way to the front door, he falls down 
four more times.  I ring the bell, and say, 
"Here's your husband!"

       The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"


        
       Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.
  
The first man said, 
"My wife was reading "A Tale of Two Cities," 
and she gave birth to twins."

       "That's funny", the second man remarked.  
"My wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers',
and she gave birth to triplets!  Three boys."

       The third man shouted, "Good God!  I have to rush home!"

       When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, 
"When I left the house, my wife was reading 
'Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!'"



The wife and I were at home watching TV. 
 
I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a 
fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more 
annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!  
You already know how to fish!"

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations
at this country inn. 

The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. 
Looking forward toan exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the 
stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover 
with an infant in her lap! 

       "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. 
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, 
and the baby would have my name!" 

       "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all 
night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a 
bastard in the family than a lawyer!"

"HELL YES . . . I'M GONNA SNIFF IT!"

An Italian fellow took his mother fishing on a party boat for Fluke one day. 
After drifting for hours without even a nibble, his mother hooks into one.
Everyone on the boat was excited, cheering the old woman on 
and telling her to take her time.

Finally she lifted it into the boat, picked up the fish, removed the hook, looked at it 
up and down, and then tossed it back into the water.

Stunned, her son says, "Mama why did you throw that fish back into the water?"

She replied, "I don't know, to me it just didn't look fresh."

 
"Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?"

A Frenchman was arrested and charged with having sex with a 
dead woman. 

"How do you plead?" asked the judge. "Guilty or not guilty?" 

"Not guilty," replied the man. 

"On what grounds?" queried the judge. 

"I didn't know she was dead...I thought she was an American." 

A woman is sitting at home on the veranda with her husband 
and she says, "I love you."

He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me...................talking to the wine." 

New Proverbs for the New Millenium 

1. Home is where you hang your @. 

2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail. 

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click. 

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks. 

5. Great groups from little icons grow. 

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone. 

7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories. 

8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice. 

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish. 

10. The modem is the message. 

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse. 

12. The geek shall inherit the earth. 

13. Don't byte off more than you can view. 

14. Fax is stranger than fiction. 

15. What boots up, must come down. 

16. Windows will never cease. 

17. Virtual reality is its own reward. 

18. Modulation in all things. 

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to 
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks. 

20. There's no place like your homepage. 

Those darn Israelis are at it, again!!!