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"The
happiest people don't have the best of
everything.
They
just make
the best of everything."
"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!
LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past. "
If
there's no smile on your face and no laughter in your heart,
YOU are just . . . . a sour old fart.
Many
thanks to
Terrygray11,
AngOBri, EWalds, Trish,
for contributing to the content of today's page.
Lady Lynx
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose,
black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a
bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up,
he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said the boy, "I challenged Larry to a duel.
And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his big sister!"
ITALIAN PASTA DIET
IT REALLY WORKS !!
1 .. You walka pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da ice cream shop.
4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county.
One day his best friend drove by his farm
and noticed his barn was on fire.
"Your barn's burning down," he yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?"
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
An elderly man walks into a confessional and starts to recount a tale.
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren,
but yesterday, I picked up two 21-year-old girls, who were hitch-hiking.
We went to a hotel where I made love to each of them three times."
"Are you sorry for your sins?" the priest asks.
"What sins?" replies the man.
"What kind of a Catholic are you?" says the priest,
clearly shocked by the man's lack of shame.
"I'm not a Catholic, I'm Jewish." the man replies calmly.
"Well why on earth are you telling me all this?"
asks the priest getting impatient.
The man responds "Father...
I'm telling EVERYBODY!"
A guy starts a new job, and the boss says,
"If you marry my daughter,
I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account,
a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."
The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"
The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.
The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly,
she's as dumb as a wall."
The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."
The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary
and build you a mansion on Long Island."
The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head
when they have sex.
About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh
and he's about to hang it on the wall.
He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife,
"Bring me a hammer."
She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer,"
and she fetches the hammer.
The guy says, "Get me some nails."
She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails,"
and she gets him some nails.
The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall,
he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"
She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."
The angry wife met her husband at the door.
There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason
for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
A mom is explaining sex to her young son. She says:
"Son a man has a penis, and a women has a vagina.
Put the penis in the vagina and you make love,
have sex and make babies."
The son says, "That's ok and everything mom,
but I was walking past your bedroom door the other night
and daddy's penis was in your mouth.
What does that make?"
"Well son," the mom says,
"THAT makes jewlery!"
A BIT OF IRISH HUMOR
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
"I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed
and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance,
say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
"It's no good, sir,"
said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher.
"I try to learn, but everything you say
goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher.
"But you only have two ears, boy."
"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made
mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
Q. A bleached blonde and a natural blonde are on top of the Emprie
State Building. How do you tell them apart?
A. The bleached blonde would never throw bread
to the helicopters.
It was fun being a baby boomer - - until now. . .
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their musical hits
with new lyrics to appeal to baby boomers
(now approaching their golden years).
Herman's Hermits - - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees -- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin -- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr -- I 'll Get By With a Little Help From Depends
Roberta Flack -- The First Time I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash -- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon -- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores -- Once ...Twice ...Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye -- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts
Leo Sayer -- You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations -- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba -- Denture Queen
Tony Orlando -- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Willie Nelson -- On the Commode Again!
Two worms in a graveyard.
One says to the other:
"The hell with this!
Let's go and make love in dead earnest."
A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace"
for her husband's tombstone. When she later found
he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted
to get the engraver to change the carving.
This was impossible; the words were already
chiseled and could not be changed.
"In that case," she said, "please add
'Until We Meet Again.'"
Military Man
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant,
was telling the new recruits how he handled officers
during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General,
an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the
young soldiers remarked.
"What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
We
All Still Have Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
"
WOW "
http://www.thecopymacheen.com
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BARNEGAT
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"OLD
BARNEY"
Long Beach Island
Barnegat Light, NJ
BARNEGAT, NEW
JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore
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