Many thanks to all and to
AngOBri, Philalakes,Trish, EWalds8131, MRuss74102, 
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

Talking Shop
<>
Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop...

"I operated on Mr. Lee the other day," said the surgeon.

"What for?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000," said the surgeon.

"What did he have?" asked his colleague.

"About $6,000," answered the surgeon.

Timing is Everything!
 
A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he
wants six girls for the evening.
 
The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that
there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.
 
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that
he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning
the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.
 
Confused, the man asks,
"I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free."
 
"That's right," replies the madam,
"but on Tuesdays we're on cable."



LAST WORD

After discovering her young daughter playing
doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry
mother grabbed the boy by the ear and
dragged him to his house and confronted
his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to
explore their sexuality by playing doctor at
their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled.
"He took out her appendix!"

INSURANCE COMPANIES
where each salesman works 
- -
Sleeps with own wife
That's  "Home Insurance"
-
Sleeps with girl friend
That's  "Mutual Benefit
-
Sleeps with chorus girl
That's  "New York Life"
-
Sleeps with secretary
That's  "Employees Mutual Benefit"
-
Sleeps with hotel maid
That's  "Travelers Aid"
-
Sleeps with woman next door
That's   "Royal Neighbors"
-
Sleeps with old maid
That's   "Prudential"
-
Sleeps with grandma
That's  "Old Age Assistance"
-
Sleeps with nobody
That's  "John Hancock"
-
Sleeps with anybody
That's   "Metropolitan"
-
Sleeps with boyfriend
That's   "Odd Fellow"
-
Sleeps with Charlie McCarthy
That's   "Lumbermans Mutual"
-
In case anyone gets pregnant from all of this,
He works for   "Industrial Accident"

A Good Pun Is Its Own Reword
- -  
  A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

  Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

  Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.

  A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

  Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

  Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

  Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

  When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

  A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

  What's the definition of a will?
  (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  A backward poet writes inverse.

  In democracy your vote counts.
  In feudalism your count votes.

  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

  With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

  Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft,
  and I'll show you a flat minor.

  When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

  The man who fell into an upholstery machine
  is fully recovered.

  A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France
  would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

  Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

  He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

  Every calendar's days are numbered.

  A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

  A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

  He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

  A plateau is a high form of flattery.

  The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison
  was a small medium at large.

  Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

  Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

  When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair,
she thought she'd dye.

  Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

  Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

  Acupuncture is a jab well done.

  Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

  The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine
  and made a spectacle of himself.

Hanging Out

George, Bob, and Tony were driving along in their pickup
when they spied a sheep caught in the fence
with its hind end up in the air.
 
Bob said, "I wish that was Heather Locklear."
 
George echoed, "I wish it was Pamela Anderson."
 
Tony sighed, "I wish it was dark... "



CHINESE  LOGIC
- -
Man  who run behind car get exhausted.

Man  who run in front of car get tired.

Man  who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man  with one chopstick go hungry.

Man  who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball  is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties  not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War  does not determine who is right, war determine who is  left.

Wife  who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat  house.

Man  who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It  take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill  it.

Man  who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man  who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man  who live in glass house  should  change clothes in  basement!

Man  who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man  who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded  elevator smell different to midget.

Woman  who fly upside down have crack-up.

The Human Race

A little girl asked her mother:
"How did the human race appear?"

The mother answered:
"God made Adam and Eve and they had children
and so was all mankind made."

Two days later she asks her
father the same question.

The father answered:
"Many years ago there were monkeys from which
the human race was developed."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says:

"Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race
was created by God and Papa says they were
developed from monkeys."

The mother answers:

"Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the
origin of my side of the family while your father
told you about his side."

Engineering Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says:
“Ah, you’re an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup
company and got rich. You’ve had too good of a life,
so now you can’t come in here.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort
in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets
and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are
speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks
on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer,
“So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got
air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers
are faster than ever and we’ve got music in every room.
There’s no telling what this engineer is going
to come up with next.”

God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer?
That’s a mistake, he should never
have gotten down there!
Send him back up here, now.”

Satan shouts back, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff,
and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers,
“Yeah, right… and just where are YOU
going to find a lawyer?”

NOTHING POLITICALLY CORRECT HERE
(got everyone of us with these)
<>
Q. Why is it that most Italian Men are called Tony?
A. When they boarded the boat to America, they stamped
To NY [Tony] on their foreheads…
- 
Q: Why are black people so strong?
A: TV's are getting heavier.
- 
Q. Why is it that Italy is shaped like a boot?
A. Do you really think they could fit all that shit
in a tennis shoe?
- 
Q. What did one gay sperm say to the other?
A: How are we ever gonna find an egg in all this shit?
- 
Q. What did the black man say when he slid down the zebra?
A: Now you see me now you dont.
- 
Q: How do you know an Asian has robbed your house?
A: When your computer is upgraded, homework is done,
and the chink is still trying to back out of the yard.
- 
Q. How do you sink an Irish Submarine?
A. Knock on the hatch.
- 
What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus?
A: Who knows? But it could sure pick the shit out of lettuce.
  -
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree?
A: Wave to him.
 - 
What is the definition of black power?
A: Four black men pushing a stolen car up a hill.
- 
Why did the jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
A: Someone dropped a quarter.
- 
Q: How come there aren't any Mexicans on Star Trek?
A: They don't work in the future, either.
-
Q: Why do black people put their trash in clear bags?
A: So the Mexicans can go window shopping.
-
Q: How do you starve a Mexican?
A: Hide the food stamps under the soap.
-
Q: What are the first three words of the Mexican National Anthem?
A: "Attention K-Mart shoppers"
-
Q: Why do Mexicans have tamales for Christmas?
A: So they have something to unwrap.
-
Q: Why don't Mexicans have an Olympic team?
A: All of the ones that can run, jump, or swim have already
made it across the border.
-
Q: Why do Mexicans refry their beans?
A: Have you ever seen a Mexican do something right
the first time?
-
Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!
-
Q: What happens when you stick your hand in a jar full of jelly beans?
A: The black ones take your watch.
-
Q: Why do white people like to have sex in front of the mirror?
A: Objects may be larger than they appear.
 -
Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs?
A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.
 -
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?
A. The least hairy of the three!
-
Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil?
-
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
A: Turn off the carousel.
-
Q. What’s an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.

After Chelsea returned home from a date, 
Hillary asked her if she had a good time.

Chelsea said she had a wonderful time and thinks 
she's in love.

Hillary said, 'You didn't have sex with him, did you?'

Chelsea said, 'Not according to Dad.'

Little Sandy was with her father when they stopped by
the beauty shop to pick-up her Mom. She wasn't quite ready,
so they sat down and waited.

Without any warning, Sandy goes over to her mom's stylist
and blurts out,
"My Daddy says you're a fairy. May I see your magic wand?"

"Oh, Edward, I love you so much. I've
dreamed of this day ever since I was
a little boy."

Backwoods High Tech
<>
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pit bull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior’s party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba’s favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak’s Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.

"I was wondering sir, what
first attracted you to a career in art?"

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting with a very
attractive looking Chinese girl.
 
She appears to be all over him and soon asks him
back to her place "for a coffee".

When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink
while she slips into something more comfortable.
 
Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress
returns wearing only a see-through negligee.

"I am your sex slave!" she says,

"I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want"

Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise
and can't believe his luck. so he says:
"I really fancy a 69".....

"Fuck Off" replies the girl.....
"I'm not cooking at this time of night!"

Hillary says . . .

                                    No kidding! 

and This One says . . .

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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