How to Guess a Woman's Age
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving she says to the clerk,
"I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50,"
the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter
girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29."
The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter
to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds,
"I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,
"Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under
your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY
how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until
curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,
"Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts,
removes his hands, and says.
"Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,
"That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise! I won't" she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

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Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, 
but I wouldn't want to own one. 
                                                                                   W .C.  FIELDS

Don't let your worries get the
best of you; remember, Moses started
out as a basket case.

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The good Lord didn't create anything
without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

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Some minds are like concrete
thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


 


World's Most Used Lies
- - -
It's a good thing you came in today. It's the last one we have.
-
You made it yourself? I would have never guessed.
-
Go ahead and tell me, I won't tell another soul.
-
It's delicious but I can't eat another bite.
-
The doctor will call you right back.
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You don't look a day over 50.
-
Your baby is just beautiful.
-
Put the map away. I know where we're at.
-
Having a great time. Wish you were here!

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said,
'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before
making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because', said Mick 'all the street was laughing
when they saw you making love yesterday.'

Mick said,
'Silly buggers - the laugh's on them.
I wasn't home yesterday!!'

Gentle Thoughts for Today
- -
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
by then your body and your fat have gotten to be
really good friends.
(How true!)

The easiest way to find something lost around the house
is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody,
you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong,
you have someone in mind to blame!

Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "Theirs."

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about
your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

You know you are getting old when everything
either dries up, or leaks.
 
Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down!

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks,
it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
 
Lord,
Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand
over my mouth....AMEN





A blonde was swerving all over the road and
driving really badly. She got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked,

''Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?''

The blonde said,
''I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree
in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!''

The cop looked at her and said,
''Lady, it's your air freshener!''

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WELFARE OFFICE
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A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"WOW!" the social worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?''

"Yep, they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having
heard that question a thousand times before.  She says,
"Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up.
I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named 'Leroy'
and the girls are all named 'Leighroy'."

In disbelief, the case worker says,
"Are you serious?
They're ALL named Leroy?"

Their momma replied, "Well, yes. It makes it easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school,
or when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy !' an' they all comes
a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street,
I just yell Leroy' an' all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,
namin' them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles
her forehead and says tentatively,
"But what if you just want ONE kid to come,
and NOT the whole bunch?"

"No problem.
Then I calls them by their LAST names."

The Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee
when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse
was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind  him, a short distance back, were about
200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully
approached the man walking the dog and said,
'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen
a funeral like this.  Whose funeral is it?'

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying
to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence
passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

The man replied, 'Get in line'.