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And you thought your winter was bad ! A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their  35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband"  said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II luxury liner for six months  appeared in her hands. Then it was the husband's turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife  30 years younger than me." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and -poof! - the husband became 92 years old. The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful idiots should remember fairies are female.   A Woman's Random Thoughts   If you love something, set it free. If it comes back,  it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it  was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in  your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your   food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and  doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free, you either married it or gave birth to it.   Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day,   someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.   My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.   The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.   The nice part about living in a small town:   When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.   Amazing! You hang something in your closet   for a while and it shrinks two sizes!   They keep telling us to get in touch with our  bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I  heard from it the other day after I said, "Body,   how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?"  Clear as a bell my body said,   "Listen fatty ... do it and die."   I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying,  and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day. Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen  window watched as they checked her meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came tearing up to the truck, they realized the lady of that end house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you were,"  gasped the woman,  "I figured I'd better run, too!" Old Speeders An elderly couple were driving across the country.  The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the  highway patrol. The officer said,  "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks,  "What did he say?"  The old man yelled, "He says you were speeding!" The patrolman said, "May I see your license?"  The woman turned to her husband and asked,  "What did he say?"  The old man yelled, "He wants to see your license!"  The woman gave him her license. The patrolman said, "I see you are from Arkansas.  I spent some time there once and went on a blind date  with the ugliest woman I've ever seen." The woman turned to her husband and asked,  "What did he say?" The old man yelled, "He thinks he knows you!"     Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.   The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began.  "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France ."     The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.     "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."           There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds.  The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds.    All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.    Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what's wrong?    The nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby boy."    So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "Well it's obvious that you should put him into a mental institution."    "Why," asked the head nurse.    "Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him.  The boy is obviously half nuts." Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small black bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The bear said,  "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."  After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.  Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead.  Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said,  "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you."  Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.  Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?" A male patient is lying in bed in  the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical  procedure.  A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.  "Are my testicles black?"     Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,  "I don't know, Sir.  I'm only hereto wash your upper body and feet."     He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"  Concerned that he may elevate his  vitals from worry about his testicles she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.  She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a  close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"  The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much.  That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......     "A r e - m y  - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"   Well, it must be SOMEBODY'S birthday ! The Drunk  (An oldie but a goodie) A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push, "he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!" The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?", calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

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