Many thanks to all and to
Youniqu101, SlingoGMa, CLRiley, Trish, AngOBri, 
Nekia, Tootsie, Sheri, Philalakes. MRuss74101
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

APRIL  
No one goes hungry
All people are fed
The oceans are clean
Lake Erie's not dead.

The Irish aren't fighting 
The Arabs love Jews 
The Swords are now Plowshares
Now ain't that good news?

The water's delicious
The air is so clear
On top of a mountain
You see to next year.

Couples stay married
Children are jewels
Sure got you going!
APRIL FOOLS!
                                      Jean Wells Rogers

  Do You Remember Sam Levenson?

Remember Sam Levenson? Not enough people do.
He was such a clever man  but time has diminished the
memory of his wit. I thought I'd resurrect him, as his
words today are as pithy as they were
when he wrote them.

"Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don't compare
with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest."

"The first screw to get loose in your head is the one
that holds your tongue in place."

"A goat also has a beard, but that doesn't make him a rabbi."

"You're only young once. After that it takes some other excuse
for behaving like an idiot."

"Even if the majority agrees on an idiotic idea,
it is still an idiotic idea."

"The greatness of this or any country may still be measured
by the number of people trying to get IN vs.
the number trying to get OUT."

"The best defense of our country is to keep it at all times
WORTH defending."

"War doesn't prove who is right; only who is left."

"War is better at abolishing nations than nations are
at abolishing wars."

"You can't shake hands with a clenched fist."

"The U.N. has been as effective against war
as foghorns have been against Fog."

"There are more important things in life than money.
The trouble is they all cost money."



The judge asked the prostitute,
"So when did you realize you were raped?"

The prostitute replied, wiping her tears,
"When the check bounced."

Indian Chief, "Two Eagles," was asked by a
white government official,
"You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.
You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events,
in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly replied.
"When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes,
No debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water,
women did all the work, Medicine Man free.
Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing
and all night having sex."
  
Then the chief leaned back and smiled.
"Only white man dumb enough to think
he can improve system like that."

Insults that might come in handy!
Add these to your own list!
>><<
- You've got a face like a squeezed tea-bag

- Go play in traffic

- If you had a brain you'd be dangerous

- If you went to a mind reader there would be no charge

- I know when you are lying, Your lips move

- The lights are on, but no one is home

- You are as much use as mud guards on a tortoise

- The Wheel's moving but the hamster's dead

- You are as much use as a chocolate teapot

- You are one sandwich short of a picnic

- A pity your brain isn't as big as your bottom



A man walked into a tavern to have a cold beer
and sat next to a blond at the bar.
The Rams-Bears game was showing on TV.

He asked the blond: "What's the score?"

She said, "20-14."

"Who's winning?" he asked.

The blonde: "20."

What's WRONG with this picture?

She's NOT wearing a helmet !
(How long did it take YOU to notice? lol)

Q & A For Those OVER 60 yrs of Age

Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men,
     who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the
     basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a
     mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term
     memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds
     when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".



Did you hear about the blonde
who got a Toy Poodle for her Birthday??

She Killed It Trying To Get The Batteries Up It's Ass!

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the
Empire State Building..... How do you tell them apart?

The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.



Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the
past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one
notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other,

"Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her.
Don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says,
"Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me."

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says,
"I'm sorry. Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and
I'd rather sit than dance."

So the man humbly returns to his friend.

"So what did she say?" he asks.

"She said she's constipated on macaroni and
would rather shit in her pants."



Brooklyn Tony was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, 
he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,
'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!'

The teacher replied, 
'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. 
The correct word you want to use is 'URINATE'. 
Please use the word urinate in a sentence correctly, 
and I will allow you to go.'

Brooklyn Tony, thinks for a bit, and then says, 
'You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!'



How did you lose your job at the dress shop?" a woman
asked her friend.

"Well, after trying on about 85 dresses, the customer
said to me, "I think I'd look nicer in something flowing" -

And I suggested the Mississippi........."



Marriage is very much like a violin; 
after the sweet music is over,
the strings are attached.

"Granny, do all fairy tales start with 'once upon a time'?"
 
"No darling,.  There is a whole series of fairy tales
that begin with "If elected, I promise. . ."



10 Truths for the New Year
 Murphy's Lesser Known Laws

 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
 
 2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
 3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
 
 4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
 
 5. The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
 
 6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them,
five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
 
 7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk
left by those who got there first.
 
 8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
 
 9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.. A tax is a fine for doing well.
 
 10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself
into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough
to get out of jury duty.

More Words of Wisdom 
   
Opportunity may knock once but temptation bangs
on your door forever.

Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect,
you couldn't belong.

God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead.
So why should you?
 
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed up
and permanently set.

I don't know why some people change churches.
What difference does it make which one
you stay home from?
       
Coincidence is when God choose to remain anonymous.
       
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
          
He who angers you, controls you!

You can tell how big a person is
by what it takes to discourage him.

        
  DIFFERENT DOCTORS' OFFICES!!!
 Hits the nail on the head. 
 
  Two patients limp into two different medical clinics, 
with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking, 
and appear to require a hip replacement.
 
  The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed 
the same day, and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
 
  The SECOND sees his family doctor, after waiting 3 weeks for an
  appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
  x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week, and finally has his
  surgery scheduled, for a month from then.
 
  Why the different treatment for the two patients?
 
  The FIRST is a Golden Retriever.
  The SECOND is a Senior Citizen.

The President of Iran was wondering who to invade
when his telephone rang.

"This is Mendel in Tel Aviv.
We're officially declaring war on you!"

"How big is your army?" the president asked.

"There's me, my cousin Moishe, and our pinochle team!"

"I have a million in my army," said the president.

"I'll call back!" said Mendel.

The next day he called.  "The war's still on!"  We have now a
bulldozer, Goldblatt's tractor. Plus the canasta team!"   

"I have 16,000 tanks, and my army is now two million."

"Oy gevalt!", said Mendel.  "I'll call back."

He phoned the next day.  "We're calling off the war"

"Why?"

"Well," said Mendel, "we've all had a little chat,
and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."



If you want your dreams to come true, don't oversleep

The smallest good deed is better than the grandest intention.

Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

The best vitamin for making friends…B1.

The 10 commandments are not "multiple choice."

The happiness of your life depends on, the quality of your thoughts.

Minds are like parachutes, they function only when open.

Ideas won't work, unless YOU do.

One thing you can't recycle, is wasted time.

One who lacks the courage to start, has already finished.

The heaviest thing to carry, is a grudge.

Don't learn safety rules, by accident.

We lie the loudest, when we lie to ourselves.

Jumping to conclusions, can be bad exercise.

A turtle makes progress, when it sticks its head out.

One thing you can give and still keep, is your word.

The pursuit of happiness, is the chase of a lifetime!

A friend walks in, when everyone else walks out.

"Mommy, what's a lesbian?"

"Go ask Daddy...she'll know."

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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