At a paternity trial, Judy's lawyer asked,

"On the night of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 PM,
in a street known generally as 'Lover's Lane,'
did the defendant have sexual relations with you?"
 
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
 
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your
knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued.
 
"Oh no," she replied,
"nothing fancy like that. He just had a Ford pickup truck."





Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question.
"Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied,
"Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
 
"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage,"



~ ME MUDDER ~

Who tucked me in me widdle bed 
And when me prayers were poorly said 
Spanked me till me widdle arse was red, 
Me Mudder! 


Who took me from me cozy cot 
And put me on the ice cold pot 
And made me pee when I could not, 
Me Mudder! 

And when the morning light would come 
And in me crib me dribbled some 
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum, 
Me Mudder! 

Who would me hair so neatly part 
And hug me gently to her heart 
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart, 

Me Mudder! 

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit 
And nearly have a king size fit 
When in me Sunday pants me shit,   
  
   Me Mudder! 

When at night her bed did squeak 
Me raised me head to have a peek 
Who yelled at me to go to sleep, 

Me Fadder!



In a physics lab, which involved light, electricity and
magnetism, one requirement of the course was to read the
week's experiment before coming to class. At one lab session
the instructor wanted to see how many people had
actually done so.

       "What are the two types of light?" he asked.
  
       The lab fell quiet until Pauly raised his hand and said,
"Uh, Miller and Coors?"

   I've tried it several times and it worked every time -
I even tried it again this morning !!!





 
Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60
and heading towards 70!
-
01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03.. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way..

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who
  walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance
is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists
than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because
can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Finally a caution,
you must remember the following!
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative on the same night.



Ads Gone Wrong
- -
For sale:
Antique desk suitable for lady with
thick legs and large drawers.
-
Wanted:
Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
-
We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.
-
For Sale:
Eight puppies from a German Sheppard
and an Alaskan Hussy.
-
Toaster:
A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
 Automatically burns toast.
-
Sheer stockings:
Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that
lots of women wear nothing else.
-
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
-
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
-
Man, honest. Will take anything.
-
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.
-
Used Cars:
Why go elsewhere to be cheated?
Come here first!
-
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
-
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Blue Cross and salary.


 
The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband,

"Is this your wife?"
 
"Yes," he replied.
 
"Did you kill her?" they asked.
 
"Yes," he replied.
 
"It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. 
Is that correct?"
 
"Yes," he replied. "but can you put me down for a five?"

The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace
when there came the sound of a key in the front door.
 
The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.
"Oh God," she cried, "it's my husband!
Quick, jump out the window!" 

The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,
then stopped. "I can't," he said, "we're on the 13th floor."

"For chrissakes," cried the young lady in exasperation,
"do you think this the right fuckin' time to be superstitious?"

i6
Tweety Bird
is 60 years old this week!

It happens to all of us...

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies,
'Your eyesight's damn near perfect!'
He never knew what HIT him !
 


John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
Give me one last request, dear,' he said.
  
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'

'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.

With his last breath John said, 'I do!'