Optical Illusion

I have no idea how this works because I have never been very good
at these optical illusion tricks but if you stare at it long enough,
you should be able to see a mask and a pair of blue flippers

Stumpy, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor
To get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw
Stumpy walking down the street with a gorgeous
Young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the
Doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really
Doing great, aren't you?"
 
Stumpy replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor:
'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
 
"The Doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said you've
Got a heart murmur. Be careful.




HEATING OIL

I overheard two guys at the table next to ours at a Pub yesterday
talking about a problem one of them had.

"I'm really pissed off, damn it. Two times this year somebody sneaked
onto my lawn at night and siphoned every drop of heating oil
from my tank. And I've got the cap hidden under a pot of
flowers but that didn't help."

His friend said, "I had the same problem.  But I fixed it.  I bought a
big red plug and put a bright white card marked
"HEATING OIL" on top of it."

"What are you crazy?" his friend said, taking a soothing sip from
his glass of beer, "that just makes it easier for them."

"Crazy like a fox...the new red plug isn't over the oil tank...
it's on my septic tank.  My unknown friends have
emptied it three times in the last six months."

  A teenage girl came home from school and asks her mother,

"Is it true what Rita just told me?"

"What's that?" asks her mother.

       "That babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

       "Yes it is dear!" replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up  and that she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

       "But then, when I have a baby," responded the teen-ager,
"won't it knock my teeth out?"


       THE FIRST BLOW JOB

MEDICAL RESEARCH

Remember this the next time
you have major surgery and need
a blood transfusion!! This is good to know!!

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that  patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving chicken blood
rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky
and the women lay better!!

Just thought you'd like to know.

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,
FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

You know you’re getting old when you wake up each morning
and think the furnace has stopped working.
 Romain Gary (1914-1980)  a French novelist

A man sitting in a movie theater notices that there
is a big ole grizzly bear sitting next to him. Finally he
turns to the bear and says,

"Pardon me for asking, but aren't you a bear?"

The bear nods; then the man says,

"So... tell me, what are you doing at the movies?"

The bear replies. . .

"Well, I liked the book."



An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m.
and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse
and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture
at this time of night?”

The man replies, “My wife"

Smart Dog

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note
in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the
money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes
the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light,
look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives,
he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.
After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button,
then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes
back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!-
against the door. He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head
against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A gal
opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the gal:
"What are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

The owner responds, "Genius, my butt. It's the second time
this week he's forgotten his key!"



The Horny Mermaid!

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window
onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead
in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could
she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband
awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too
began to see the hopelessness of the situation,
and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!),
and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.

When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
She said:

"I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you
have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore
your parents and the cow to you."

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable
to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what
had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him:
"If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."
And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough
to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow
in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a
hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river
to throw himself in.

And there he also met the mermaid.
"I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right
if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said,
"Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was
reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said,
"Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me
thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young son asked,
"Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you
like it did the cow?"
                                                                  He's still running that farm!

"On a trip to Israel, Sarah Palin asked the Israelis why
 they're apologizing all the time. They responded saying, 
'Because we told everyone Tina Fey was coming.'"
- -
"She visited the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem. There was an
 awkward moment when she said, 
'So this is what keeps the Mexicans out?'" –Conan O'Brien

Crawl Back In Bed!

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a fanatic golfer.

Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time, gets up very early and
is golfing all day long. Well this one Saturday morning, he gets up
early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet,
and goes out to his car to drive to the course.

It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain
and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel.
From there he finds it's going to be bad weather all day long. So
he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses
and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his
wife's back, and says,
"the weather out there is terrible."

To which she replies,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

'STUPID' DOESN'T KNOW THAT . . .